The Empirical Manifesto

poly (Greek) for, "many" and amorous (Latin) for [sexual] "love" was a term coined circa 1990 to denote, "loving many." While at face value a cheater could be seen as also loving many, I would argue sex outside a loving relationship isn't love at all, instead something very different, which is why I prefer the term ethical non-monogamy. Even using this term in that way seems counter-productive given monogamy (Greek) for "single+marriage" as we practice it today only became a popular configuration for 0.28% of the time we have been on this earth. People who practice monogamy (ethical or otherwise) would be the clear outlier - even according to the Bible and its variants; a common pseudo-authority people enjoy misrepresenting for the argument of their position on the subject. But this isn't about the Greeks, the Italians, or even the Bible. Rather, a look into how each of us justify living authentically while attempting to adhere to the nonmaleficence principle.

This exercise requires shelving malum prohibitum focusing instead upon our individual value system, expectation management, conflict resolution, and communication skills, as would be required in any relationship regardless of sociosexual configuration. Ethical non-monogamy requires all of these skills to be performed out in the open, transparently, eschewing subterfuge. Reviewing a list of 419 values suggests we, collectively, do not maintain identical values as unique individuals. Throw into this already chaotic mix of diverse values with the understanding they should evolve as we experience, learn, grow, and change, and quite suddenly navigation through the knowns and unknowns appears even more precarious.

Tricky things values as they are wedged distinctly between beliefs, which form them, and behavior, which is their visible manifestation. This is how those with whom we interact can determine what we believe without us ever vocalizing it. We may also notice the goals which were most important for us to obtain in our 20s may differ from our goals in our 30s and again in our 40s. The values we embody will no doubt closely reflect those changing goals, and given how linear time works, this scenario would be applicable to the eight billion people upon this earth at any given time.

Within a percentage of that population, there are those who are seeking reprieve perhaps, in one form or another, and cheat on their significant other. This is an emotional or sexual affair which is kept hidden - an earmark of cheaters. Commonality among reasons exists for cheaters, most (not all) of which are heartbreaking, but the number one reason is lack of connection; creating, maintaining, and nurturing a connection within the relationship itself. A tall order to be sure. Serial monogamists often try another approach, having a string of lovers one-at-a-time which may better mesh with their personality or lifestyle, or within the confines of their pursuit of values. Often serial monogamists don't consider themselves ethical non-monogamists though the argument could certainly be made, and since the prior relationship is effectively over, neither do they consider themselves cheaters, as there is no need for secrecy. But all of these disparate behaviors are subject to our own, personal values.

Is it also then possible that the personal values of someone whose priority is connection may wish to engage in loving relationships with multiple people simultaneously, without getting tangled in the relative morality of either cheating or serial monogamy? Cheaters and serial monogamists both are chasing after their own needs looking to be fulfilled - we fault them while simultaneously endeavoring to fill our own needs. Our opinions of them are rooted solely in our own worldview, from which we judge. We endeavor to do no harm through transparent dialogue, vulnerability, and reciprocity. Yet when opposing values meet, we turn to them again as our authority to justify that judgement. Interesting things about values - none of them are more right or more wrong than another, yet when based upon our, "strongly held beliefs" we often cannot be otherwise persuaded.

Good session this time around - I had lots of ground to cover and Tess was instrumental in helping figure everything out, so all good things!

Let's begin, shall we?

Last week I experienced an acute, consuming, lust-filled desire for my wife's BFF. It rocked me, and I was so taken aback by it, I didn't mention it to either her, or my wife, wanting to wait until I got a chance to talk it over with my therapist. So the first thing I asked her was, "What the hell flipped in my Neanderthal lizard brain," followed with, "How can I prevent this from ever happening again?"

When she was done laughing at me, she explained (in so many words) that's not how life worked, and that not only was she unsurprised by it, she has been expecting this conversation. Tess then laid out my "sexual template" something with which I was unfamiliar, concisely summarizing everything.

According to my therapist, everyone has that something which arouses them sexually; mine (as should be expected at this point) is simply different from most. In a nutshell, I experience sexual desire only after meeting a highly-specific brilliant mind which processes data in a manner similar to my own. Voila! Instant turn-on. And given my lifestyle (versus say, that of a serial monogamist) it makes perfect sense that I would want to surround myself with these people and share that intimacy with them. It's what I see in my wife, and it's what I see in her BFF. The reason I desire them both so very much, is the rarity of them, both exactly meeting my unique sexual template.

Which leads us to something I had disclosed to my wife's BFF previously nearly verbatim, but had not mentioned to Tess at all, which made her statement that much more noteworthy:

Your wife is caught up in comparing herself with her BFF by the physical differences she sees, but you find them equally sensual because you're attracted to their bodies because of their minds.

Or something to that effect. I was giddy when I told her that was how I'd explained it to the BFF! "Nice, did you also explain that to your wife?"
"I don't think so?"
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

And of course, therein lies the problem. What the fuck is wrong with me indeed.

According to my therapist, nothing. It is simply who I am.

This led to a lively conversation with my wife as I finally disclosed that day of unhinged sexual desire for her BFF. "Oh, I know," she said. I looked at her quizzically. "It's my job to know," she clarified.

She truly is way smarter than me :P

I do not know why I burn with this unquenchable desire; this longing. It does not make any logical sense, and were it to, I think perhaps I could reconcile it. Half the time I just wish to be done with this constant battle of self, the other half I absolutely indulge it in ways which possibly perpetuate it ad infinitum.

For someone who fancies themselves adept in articulation, I often find myself devoid of words to adequately express the depth of these desires in such a way to illustrate the manifestation I seek. But it's also not limited to just her; I long for my wife as well - still - after eight years together. My wife tells me the longing I have for her is connected to the longing I have for her BFF. Since falling in love with her mind, I find now I desire her greatly - lustfully so, and that fascinates me as well. "Why do you have to sleep with someone you're in love with?" my therapist asked. I didn't have an answer then. Now I do - I believe it's the manifestation of the four pillars of intimacy. Admittedly we're not there yet, but each passing day, each visit, has the potential to grow that bond, become vulnerable with one another; transparent. This happens through dialogue and fosters reciprocity.

Again, we're not there yet - these things don't happen quickly - especially after the trauma of what she's been through; going through. But to start I promised her I would never lie to her (it's honestly not in my nature), and I never will - no matter how poorly a light what I say may cast on myself. And that's transparency and vulnerability both. Someday perhaps she'll start to open up as well <3

I will love you even if we don't end up together. Even if you walk away from me, I will still love you. I will love you even if you marry someone else and on the coldest days of the year you spend your nights wishing you had married me after all, because no one knows how to ignite the fire in your soul quite the way I do.

What if I bring you into the fold and you're not enough for me?

What indeed.

The same answer if I weren't poly. The same answer I had with Dorian alone when she asked it. The same question I could equally pose to you; what if I bring you into the fold and I'm not enough for you? What if one of us grows? What if one of us finds something in which we long to pursue? What if our expectations change? What if, as we experience life and all it has to offer, our values slowly mutate over time as we learn new things? What if we mature? What then?

This is life in its entirely - without any guarantees - and the question which surrounds every one of us since the dawn of time itself, with every type of relationship ever, agape, eros, philia in all its forms and permutations. The answer remains the same regardless. Those who handle trials and tribulations with love and respect, and those who handle them with resentment and anger. In short, emotional maturity.

Life can be scary and unpredictable. I choose to align myself with people with whom I can experience an array of emotions, steadfastly, while simultaneously enjoying every ounce of life we can collectively squeeze out of it before its over <3

How my wife's BFF felt about time wasted in her marriage is exactly how she’ll feel about time wasted in the church once she eventually leaves that as well.

It's been a fortnight since I cried on the shoulder of my wife over her BFF. It feels significantly longer. I wanted to heal in the open - honestly and transparently, while maintaining everything about who am I and what motivates me to be the person I am - simultaneously being there for my wife's BFF as I had been, while refusing to jeopardize the friendship I have with her. What transpired however, was something completely different. I did it out of my love for them both, and time alone will tell whether or not it was the right thing to do.

I do believe in a multitude of council. That said, some rando's irrelevant opinion does not count. Hell, a multitude of people who have not proven their steadfastness to me do not count. I accept council only from those who have shown strong intellectual and emotional maturity. Awkwardly, these same people suggested I, "step back" and become, "less available" for a time. That is something I did not want to hear, and absolutely something I did not want to do. They were concerned for my well-being. And while grateful for their kind ministrations, I was not [concerned for my well-being]. My mind is a highly-active place filled with innumerous scenarios and compartments and even a sandbox in which to play. Point is, my cathartic weeping session was just that, and I felt I was over the proverbial hump at its conclusion with zero available directions in which to go but forward.

Two things then which influenced my decision. First, by pulling back and making myself less available, I was reinforcing to my wife there would be no repeat of the distress I put her through by crying over her BFF. She's a wonderful, strong, compassionate, smart woman, but I wouldn't want to put her through that again, and if this helped secure our relationship in her mind, so be it. Comparatively, it was very little to ask. Secondly - and perhaps more importantly - she introduced the idea of always being available as slowing her BFF's healing - and that is something I could not have on my conscious. So I stepped back, and became less available, for better or for worse for everyone involved. Including myself. I have no idea if she even noticed, and if she did, what assumption(s) she made due to it.

The sleeplessness which followed may or may not have been related; I have many irons spread across a landscape of fires and tending to them all does take energy, so any number of those could be the cause. I am trying to slowly work back into being more available since I am no longer plagued by longing and heartache. I am also (mostly) succeeding in not visualizing. I wouldn't say the infatuation has returned exactly, but I wouldn't exactly say it hasn't. I miss our interactions, our conversations; her mind, her body, and her spirit. I love the unparalleled life my wife and I have created, and feel she would absolutely blossom here. Why just last night my wife mentioned that if there ever comes a time her BFF does coexist with us, "...you can make love to her in the evenings, because she'll need you more then. Save your afternoons for me." What a cozy, comfortable thought. So yeah, mostly.

When I first started dating my wife, she was puzzled by the relationship I had with my daughter; when she was around I slipped into "daddy" mode, a persona (for lack of a better word) she never saw me in outside those times. She was however unsurprised when I became that same person around her BFFs three girls, "stepping into that role" as she put it. What did surprise her however, was becoming that person around her BFF - the announcement of which also surprised me. I was not only unaware that's what I was doing, I don't even recognize when I do it (but trust my wife's judgement), and have no idea what would have triggered that within me. To her, this curiosity made my falling in love with the BFF understandably problematic (e.g. possible unhealthy relationship), an interpretation I will be unable to fully disagree with until I figure out why that may have occurred, and correct it.

In my experience, the perfect triad is one of mutually-supportive dialogue, transparency, vulnerability, reciprocity, validation, affirmation, and open discussion of boundaries. Decidedly not what was unfolding real-time in front of me, despite my inability to see it at the time (forest for the trees as my wife likes to point out), so that one's on me - my bad.

Writing prompt:

Question: What are you looking for in a potential ideal partner?

My answer:
Someone with whom I can be wholly intimate with, mind, body, and soul; to explore and reinforce vulnerability, transparency, and reciprocity through meaningful dialogue in order to cement the security of unbreakable trust with a lifelong commitment of everlasting love and passion no matter the guise in which it may take as it evolves over time. I already have this relationship in spades with my wife, but have so much more to share with others to whom I am inexorably drawn.

Her answer:
Mormon and single.

When she discovers I embody every value she seeks and those who qualify as "single and Mormon" never will.

As far as my wife's BFF is concerned, I do wonder from time to time if I get dismayed wondering if I fell in love with the potential of which she is capable, or the fact that she clearly isn't there yet. I gave myself two years based on my own journey, which is but a rough estimate; some take far longer, some far less - and there's always biology to take into consideration on which I've had a multitude of council. I do try to keep my own growth in mind (back-reading my divorce tag I downright cringe at how angry I was) as well as the fact it is far easier to see the fault in others moreso than ourselves. But she's so damn close. Yes it's a never-ending journey, but she's standing on the precipice of self-sustaining intrinsic happiness. At least in my mind's eye, which to be fair, is less clouded than it was. My wife seems pleased I am able to discuss all of this more objectively than before.

Speaking of wife, we've started painting miniatures, which affords us ample time to visit in the evenings and therefore have opened up the proverbial dialogue floodgates, of which no topic is off-limits. Its been a veritable never-ending stream of consciousness as we discuss our past, present, and future ad nauseam; mostly surrounding the experiences, challenges, and solutions which form our current selves and possible directions in which to grow. It's been absolutely delightful. I do wish her BFF were with us to participate in this mix of creative and cerebral evenings we share prior to the subsequent carnal punctuation which invariably takes place afterward - a perfect world were I able to create one. Yet admittedly one in which she is not quite ready. I do feel proximity would be manifest in that growth, yet here we are.

Is that just ego speaking, though? I'm not sure. Being aware of the diverse nature of people and their motivations, desires, and goals surely helps to avoid that trap, but I will admit to being curious if modifying one's worldview has a direct correlation to the type of outcome I envision, or if its as unique and varied as we are. My thoughts are this: If one's worldview is based upon a lifetime of bad information, incorrect assumptions, and best guesses - and can be updated and practically applied to the real world - how much baggage has the potential to be introspectively addressed when the domino effect is initiated? For myself it was unfathomable. Is that experience universal?

I'm not entirely sure what I want to do next with my life at the moment, but am enjoying the relative peace and contentment which comes with the life I am currently living.

Now that I am no longer under the influence from the flood of chemicals in my bloodstream, I will admit to being a little surprised that my feelings on the matter have remained relatively unchanged. Which means from this point forward, I am acting on free agency. I still love her fiercely, but am no longer being held hostage by these feelings - I am now effectively able to wield them appropriately and to completely control my words and actions. This is a net win, and something which will hopefully improve upon our friendship rather than strain it. As usual, I am hopeful for the future no matter which guise in which it may present. I do still miss her terribly as there's something infectious about our mingled joy. It's a mystery to me she doesn't feel it as well - or feels it and is using a different toolset in which to deconstruct it - which brings me to another point:

Having the toolsets I myself utilize is apparently both a blessing and a curse, as some things appear so mind-boggling simple to me when I pull the out for use; tools others understandably may not yet have - which is what I've come to believe in my relationship with her. I've come across a handful of memes which seemingly (or at least that's what I read into them) intimate [the psychological defense mechanism] projection as the cause for jumping to conclusions where others may be concerned. I applied this scenario to my imagined relationship and determined its less DSM-V and more having a wider array of toolsets in which to utilize. When one has access to wide array of tools at their disposal, more options are available, and when more options are available, stress, confusion, panic and anxiety are lessened because forcing use of the wrong tool is basically a proverb (if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail). I would illustrate this example using both Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions - things go smoothly when you're aligning everything correctly. But I am finding when one has toolsets another does not, it can be...challenging.

Writing prompt:

But I do recognize it that I am hopeless, romantic and I want somebody to just be overly obsessed with me to the point where somebody else wouldn't feel anything ..."

Recruitment into polyamory, so to speak, is in a way, unethical. Problematic for those claiming to practice ethical non-monogamy. It takes a level of trust, security, and all four pillars of intimacy often not experienced by the average couple - which may be (one of numerous) reasons it is so maligned. I liken it to being fully self-actualized, which admittedly, doesn't come off to others as even remotely humble. Or as Kohlberg put it in his Development of Moral Reasoning [Stage 6], Question all societal norms. Autonomously comprehend universal rules which are rational and logical. Of course I believe psychologists place the number of Americans to reach post-conventional values [Stage 5] at less than 10% and successful polyamory requires, at a minimum I would think, that and 110% effort. Why would someone - anyone - ever sincerely invest that much time and effort into a relationship? The payoff, of course. The most perfect, fairy-tale romance ever written or experienced. Except it's nothing like in the books.

Why is that?

Well, Puritans, Quakers and their ilk if I had to assume. There is an inarguable concentration of power, misogyny, and control at the base of every Abrahamic religion, but that's an entry for another time. Suffice it to say, peddling the false narrative that our purported creator wishes us to suppress the very human nature with which she herself imbued us - over centuries to a reproducing population which scores spine-chillingly low on Kohlberg's scale - will eventually do that to billions of people which is where we find ourselves today. But again, another time.

Personal Responsibility dictates we don't rely upon other people for our happiness, that we create it for ourselves and choose to share it with others. In a perfect world, with someone who is simultaneously creating their own happiness and sharing it with us. This gets gray-area confusing for a lot of people due in part to its touching on quite a few disparate, complex topics, up to and including self-realization, vulnerability, and the Buddhist definition of attachment, all of which is messily encased in expectation. It will likely take a lifetime to unpack - which is also where polyamory can help; wisdom in a multitude of council, especially when that council is determined to apply Game Theory to the relationship; doing that which benefits both the individual, and the entire group, at every turn. Love, manifest.

Philosophically, no one really ever disagrees that it would be foolish to hang every last one of our expectations upon one other person and make them alone personally responsible for every aspect of our happiness, forever. Practically, however? Serial monogamists have been doing that for centuries with no sign of slowing, while it continues to permeate our books, films, televisions, and arcane religious institutions. Ethical non-monogamy isn't just sharing the load, it's an exponential support system with access to unmitigated validation, while delving deeply into each area of intimacy until an almost Nirvana-like state of understanding is reached, which is why I liken it to self-actualization. Its viewing things like marriage through a very different lens than what the ages have recorded, most of which is a fallacy anyway - it never really existed, yet we - for reasons we never question - strive for it as our goal.

Attachment reduces marriage to a quest for safety, security, and compensation for childhood disappointments.^*

As for me, I am not going to sit idly by for the rest of my life waiting to see how things play out - I am absolutely going to blaze my own trail. Recruitment into polyamory, so to speak, is in a way, unethical. But I am always willing to freely share its inherent strengths as I've experienced them in hopes of inspiring others to question everything, but perhaps more importantly, themselves.

Writing prompt:

You don't know if your relationship with me, or with [my wife] would survive your jealously [in a poly relationship].

Why not?

When dating, two people generally get to know one another. Before things continue upward on the relationship escalator, each side has an opportunity, through dialogue, to outline their fears (vulnerabilities), their hopes (transparency), what they see themselves as bringing to the relationship (reciprocity), along with their expectations (also reciprocity) and any boundaries. This all occurs before anyone moves forward.

Which action(s) under intimacy do you not trust? Dialogue? Vulnerability? Reciprocity? Transparency? Jealousy is fear, and stated aloud, falls under vulnerability; meaningful dialogue would allow for transparency. Assuming you trust in jealousy (vulnerability) enough to disclose it, why would you not trust the transparency needed to assuage it? Given that you, myself, and my wife each strive above and beyond to fully flesh out - through communication - solutions to issue past and present, along with the emotional maturity to allow for trial & error, setbacks, starting-from-scratch, and going back to the drawing board until successful resolution, which part of that do you genuinely believe wouldn't survive, and again, why?

As mentioned in my hot take poly folks downright THRIVE on dialogue, interaction, boundaries, and intimacy. Jealousy actually interjects a necessary component for relationship dynamics, resulting in loving success. For contrast compare any other type of relationship without that discussion present.

I fell in love with my wife's BFF on our 3rd anniversary and the chemicals which have been coursing through my body ever since are finally subsiding. I can feel my calm, my objectivity returning. It's been a hell of a ride. Seven weeks of chemical imbalance finally coming to its conclusion. Of course this is new territory to navigate as well. At least I should be able to reorder everything with a clear mind and see what's left of the carnage.

I am no longer physically pained from the ceaseless pining and irrational cycle of grief over a relationship which never occurred; no longer being held hostage - but it has left me with a constant headache as my body reestablishes itself without the high. The void it has left won't be without its own challenges I am sure, and already my wife is now threatening to find me a girlfriend through an online dating app. "That's not how that works!" I tell her, but I am defenseless against her arguments, namely that she is now convinced everyone with ADHD needs multiple partners, and that I would be helpless if she found me an INFJ; "Pattern recognition babe, you've fallen in love with every one you've met." Alas. She's ready for another dose of reflected NRE, and (believe it or not) my hazy traipsing around with my head in the clouds.

That said, it is nice seeing things slightly more clearly now. I wonder how I'll end up remembering this powerful, all-consuming time in my life.

There's quite a bit going on in my head these days. While I was still dealing with the incomprehensibility of falling in love with my wife's BFF, I was finally rebuffed. It has been decades since that last happened, thus quite unfamiliar to the present-day iteration of myself. As with most things, I find it fascinating. Unfortunately, my brain chemistry finds it less fascinating.

I'll try to form some sort of semblance from the swirling thoughts these last several months.

It wasn't that I didn't think I was no longer capable of falling in love. Rather, I'm incomprehensibly happy and wasn't looking to fall in love, so when it happened, I was absolutely beside myself with shock, and as I've mentioned, quite a bit of embarrassment. Additionally, I was not expecting it to feel like it did. It was completely overwhelming and consuming. I suppose I imagined it would be more tame; less visceral somehow. Now I wonder if I'm not doomed to have a repeat of this sometime in the future. Of course people aren't interchangeable - it will likely feel completely different if/when it occurs again, thus the potential to take me completely by surprise yet again. I gotta be honest, not really looking forward to that part. Don't get me wrong - it was wonderful! I wouldn't change it for the world. But not really something I would purposely put myself through over and over again either. Though I'm likely going to miss the uniqueness of her, and how this one felt. I'm fairly certain I will never feel exactly like this again, and that's a double-edged sword.

Which brings me to a revelation - remember how adamant I was that I actually rebuff any returned feelings she may have offered, given the timing? Now I don't want to be, "that guy" but it dawned on me the inverse is rooted in the same logic, despite her well articulated protestations; they also shouldn't be trusted at this time. Which brings me to the conundrum: What happens when the time comes she's ready to move forward, and I no longer am? I'll be honest - I don't know, but already I pine for what could have been which is awfully out-of-character for me, who tries to live solely in the present. Keyword, tries. This whole experience has modified that slightly what with the manifestation visualization and all.

But throughout, my wife has been exceptional. More than that, she's flourished. Our relationship has - if possible - improved over the course of the last several months and we discuss how and why often. It's been an absolute joy and really propelled our bond in ways I hadn't expected. I've really come to appreciate her more and more as she surpasses every one of my strengths in a very visible way, being able to practically apply concepts I've only dreamed of accomplishing. It's downright inspiring.

Being in love with you is multifaceted; it's fascinating to experience. So many new and complex avenues to discover!

Its like...introspection on crack.

I don't subscribe to the so-called, "law" of attraction for numerous reasons. And while I also don't purposefully engage in manifestation through visualization, my wife does to great effect as she's proven time and again. Or at least I thought I didn't. Let me explain.

I do believe in creating your own reality, but doing so through much more practical, albeit esoteric, means. From my 2012 blog entry, Creating Reality :

Watch your thoughts;
They become words.

Watch your words;
They become actions.

Watch your actions;
They become habits.

Watch your habits;
They become character.

Watch your character;
It becomes your destiny.

Consequently, I leave the manifestation of the physical to my wife, while I handle the day-to-day environment in which we thrive. It's a wondrous thing to behold; like two wizards collectively creating a universe in which to live, playing to their individual strengths in the process. Which brings me to last night. Wifey was recounting a story she'd had with a client about the power of her last visualization and how that focus played out. Aghast, I realized what I had been doing these past few weeks and exclaimed in shock, "I hadn't thought about that - I've....I've been visualizing a lifetime spent together with you and your BFF."

"Oh, I know," she replied.

Of course I wasn't doing it for reasons of manifestation. It just kind of happened. While we were there, her BFF had opened so much of herself with me it felt as if I already knew her, subsequently behaving as if she were already a part of us, and always had been. I'll admit I've been living in this imaginary relationship with her in my head since we left, and it's spanned a lifetime. Since I'm not the manifestation queen, my wife explained it works with a specific, individual scene you play over and over and hold tightly onto. As I thought about it, beyond imagining the dizzying array of topics we'd discuss, reading together in the study, running the kids to their appointments, grocery shopping together, running through every step of the intimacy exercises over and over, and engaging in the art of cunnilingus, there was one "scene" which stood out among the rest and always had: Cooking together. Cooking dinner for my wife and the girls while they were on their respective computers doing their thing in the house. Above all else, that seemed to be my happy place. Our happy place.

So while not doing so for manifestation, I was apparently, in my own way, doing it nonetheless. It will be curious to see what transpires.

I am currently living my fantasy of being with someone in which we discover things about each other through discourse and shared experiences; spending time with them observing different reactions while discussing thoughts and dreams and desires and ideas together. Discussions about the future, the past, our fears, strengths, likes, dislikes, and the possible origins of our closely-held beliefs and whether or not they're right, wrong, or open to interpretation. We do this without anger, blame or jealously, and it is an absolute joy as we experience, learn, and grow, together.

A double-fantasy, if I were allowed, would be to incorporate my wife's BFF into this life we've created - a life of consistent validation and growth, of joy and overwhelming love, and of constant communication. The type of communication which incorporates full transparency, tender vulnerability, concerned reciprocity, and honest dialogue to discuss workable expectations which work to everyone's favor. To discuss equally the parts we enjoy, and the parts which with we struggle for the purpose of resolving everyone's issues cleanly and succinctly as we pave the way to maintaining our incomprehensible present while looking toward a magnificent future.

Which is where the dynamic comes in. The three-who-are-one is much greater than the sum of its parts - it's exponential - and only really understood by those who participate in it as explanations alone do not do it justice. Only recently has my wife begun to experience this phenomenon, and it is intoxicating. Every aspect of your life is increased in bountiful multitude when you're working together.

But when discussing these admittedly esoteric dilemmas to the one I would have join us I tend to speak in third person as to not press her - she needs her time to draw her own conclusions and live her own life as well. Admittedly third person can come across as impersonal and disinterested which is the opposite for which I strive and has a tendency to cloud interpretation. And yes it's still early - too early - to have these discussions anyway, but she's so damn sharp and inquisitive I just cannot help myself.

Which is where we find ourselves today. With more questions than answers, and another half-finished text exchange due to the exceedingly busy lives in which each of us, independently, leads.

Once again it has been brought to my attention that I may be acting under the guise of Savior Complex/Damsel in Distress/White Knight Syndrome. This time, in order to definitively put that question to rest, I pulled up half a dozen online checklists to introspectively compare my actions against. First, the good news! I am so far removed from most of the items on those checklists, there is no question in my mind those who so suffer from Savior Complex actually suffer - it seems to be akin to codependency - affecting, among other things, one's general well-being and life trajectory. That's not me by any stretch of the imagination and honestly way too much work involved for it to even interest me; seriously, I know some micromanagers who would flush at the amount of work involved. Level of effort my dude. Level of effort.

The sole item which gave me pause however, was to listen without coming up with solutions. As a standalone item separate from the checklist it means nothing - but the idea is just so foreign to me! My entire life revolves around finding solutions; in my work, my day-to-day life, and even fancifully dreaming up solutions to philosophical problems which may not even yet exist. I learned awhile back I am supposed to ask, "Do you just want to vent or are you looking for solutions?" I struggle with remembering to ask that, but when I do remember I *think* do pretty well? Might have to ask my wife to rate my success on that one.

Lastly (and perhaps most importantly?) I didn't mean to fall in love with my wife's BFF which, from an outside perspective I could totally see the jump to Savior Complex given the circumstances. As it was, I had been infatuated with her for several years - from a distance. I believe that was known only to my wife as it wasn't common knowledge. I had never spent any one-on-one time with her so really didn't know her. My infatuation surrounded her actions, attitude, and behavior; I was enamored. But this past visit which afforded us ample time to get to know one another on a completely different level and honestly, I wasn't prepared. I learned how she orders and processes data and got a glimpse into the intrinsic machinations which fuel her beautiful aura. So yeah, I was powerless.

Sorry not sorry.