The Empirical Manifesto

Needs are interesting things when viewed from various perspectives - psychological sustainability to generational trauma, to learned behaviors, and no doubt as varied and unique as we are; no two are likely identical. Using that as a starting point, perhaps we can become less judgmental, and more compassionate. I tend to sort things not in binary categories of, "good" and, "bad," but rather, "sustainable" and, "non-sustainable" with the understanding these are fluid spectrums, not rigid, stovepiped containers. I often fall into the trap of polarity nonetheless.

There are a handful of people with whom I have surrounded myself that aspire to finding their person within the upper echelons of hierarchal needs, and being the people we are, we're willing enough - or desperate enough - to try. We seek connection. Awkwardly (and through much gnashing of teeth), how we define "connection" also seems to be as varied as we are. This leads to one of the most oft-repeated quotes I hear: "Is it even possible that someone else so freakishly aware and intuitive could exist, and match it?" I have to believe - statically speaking - that yes, it is possible. Just....well, not necessarily simple. Or easy. And we may have to travel far from our comfort zone to find it.

It might also be messy.

I've learned that the scaffolding each of us constructs around ourselves contains its own microcosm of syntax and healthy coping mechanism which can be permeated and synthesized via use of synonyms, and patience. Thankfully those who operate in this echelon are more than capable of navigating both. That's the good news. The bad news is the tools we employed to survive the onslaught of life are often the last to fall. These are our commonalities; what we bring to ourselves, each other, and our communities. Our differences are in what each of us seeks in another. Do I have all the answers? No. Do I communicate clearly and directly exactly what it is I am looking for while unwaveringly and unapologetically living my truth? Also no.

There are limitations of course to how each of us chooses to seek connection; religious, cultural, financial, geographic - to name a few. Some of us are only limited in what we choose to accept. The holy grail (so to speak) is of course finding someone who feels about us the same way we feel about them. In lieu of that, I require only one who challenges me. It is that which is my white whale, and nothing more. Yet understanding that the passing of time allows intervals for experience; experience may yield lessons; lessons afford us the opportunity to learn; learning expands knowledge; knowledge which can be utilized grants us wisdom; and wisdom cannot not irrevocably change us. I've learned the most difficult way possible that I would rather live a life being challenged than being reciprocated. This is something I did not previously know, and I grieve for this new knowledge and how it came to pass both.

We talked for a long time about not wanting to be with those who didn't want to be with us - like, what would the point of that even be? To live some sort of shadow life in a disconnected relationship for no purpose other than to living some sort of shadow life in a disconnected relationship. Of course by, "long time" I mean damn near a decade; both before and during to level check our understanding and goals were aligned. It was comforting and reassuring that we were always on the same page, which is where re-evaluating without provocation comes in: To reset, realign, or renegotiate as needs change or evolve. We were in lockstep agreement that sometimes people change, grow, and evolve, as do situations and we've both been in enough relationships to discuss all of this beforehand in order to mitigate any surprise reactions. We often asked one another our thoughts on not only what we thought we would feel, but how we would manage those emotions. These conversations often resulted in agreement of acting in love and respect toward the other person no matter the eventual outcome not only because of who we are, but who we wish to be, and what parts of us we wanted to reinforce in order to continue growing. None of it was ever about selfishness, or pettiness, or intentionally hurting the other person. Longevity in sustainable relationships is being honest about ourselves - and our intentions/motivations - in such conversations. How can we expect any semblance of success in any part of our lives if we're dishonest about intent? How is that even remotely sustainable? Anything gained through subterfuge will eventually collapse.

There's a lot of talk surrounding boundaries these days as it becomes both more mainstream, and accessible. What I keep running into however, are those who misunderstand (and I'm being kind here) how boundaries work. Why there always seems to be a contingent of people who universally desire utilizing new tools or new ways of thinking to fool themselves into reprehensible behavior using only a pedestrian understanding is beyond me, and again, not a sustainable solution. When it fails (and it will), this is why. What I see when the peripherally aware use the word, "boundary" is - correctly - not allowing themselves to be treated a certain way, but only under the guise of control; to control the other person's actions/attitudes/behaviors in such a way as to force expected conformity. Awkwardly, that's not even accidentally how that works, and it seems to me why so many people remain angry, and frustrated, and unfulfilled - because no one will just do what they want when they want. Again, not how boundaries work. Their assumed expectation of how boundaries are supposed to work is the antithesis of what boundary-setting is; the opposite of what is supposed to happen. To add insult to injury, these same people feel comfortable in loudly articulating their new set boundaries - a largely unnecessary (and if we're being honest, again antithetical) action which has the effect of furthering any animosity which may have had a hand in prompting the necessity of boundary-setting in the first place. Think of it this way - people who don't respect us aren't going to suddenly, magically start respecting us because we've vocalized a defined boundary for ourself. Want our boundaries to be noticed? Acted upon? Respected? Let's try shutting the hell up, and quietly removing ourself from the equation. That is how boundaries work; why they're so successful (when done right). It requires almost zero communication.

The inverse of this stratagem is the fallout of standing firm in the stated/perceived/set boundaries. When boundaries are practiced correctly, they require action on the part of the one who creates them to change their ways - not the other way around. Setting boundaries isn't getting other people to do what we want them to do - it is removing ourselves from that which triggers us. Let's be honest, if our boundary is to find inner peace by not allowing certain behaviors around us, and the person who is propagating those behaviors chooses to respect our boundary by disassociating themselves from us, it worked. Just not perhaps in the way we may have expected - it all comes down to expectation management. Well, that and not twisting boundary-setting into some kind of perverted power move. If we're attempting to use it to control other people, we're doing it wrong. Use it to control ourselves instead. Not only is it far more likely to work, we'll be much less frustrated in nearly every aspect of our lives because trying to control other people's actions, attitudes, and behaviors has never, and will never, be a sustainable solution.

And yet...

Once again (or so I am told) there is someone else in my life who (seemingly) craves my attention without wanting the romantic/emotional relationship, and I have to admit, I'm stumped. To date, no one who has articulated this dynamic to me has been able to explain to my satisfaction why this dynamic even exists in the world. Like, what is gained? What is the goal? What is the motivation for curating and feeding such a dynamic? Often the answer is simply, "They enjoy the attention." I guess I need to know in what way is it enjoyed? What do they gain from it? What motivates them to crave my attention outside that romantic/emotional relationship? From that perspective it seems a vapid pursuit. Do people really get a sense of worth from external validation?

I get people have platonic friends - hell, even I have platonic friends (encompassing the entire gender spectrum no less) - but I don't crave their attention. I don't require their validation. I do appreciate their perspective and insight and enjoy our time together, but bring zero expectation to those friendships.

I've posted in the last year or so (perhaps two) on the re-awakening of the hopeless romantic in me. It was (as most are) an interesting and curious journey, fraught with hairpin turns, hazards, and jump scares. I'm kind of speeding down the straightaway now (if like, motorsports were my thing - they're not). And while we can all agree that the heart of the hopeless romantic is, "love conquers all," in reading up on aspects of hopeless romanticism, I've run across various viewpoints in definition - not all of them favorable. So if we're going to discuss individual nuances in our own interpretation or practice of it, I'll mention something I found most relatable - hopeless romantics are optimists :D

Going down the long list of connotative perspectives, I find I don't adhere to most of them. I don't believe in soulmates or love at first sight, I am exceedingly aware (well, now) of the wide array on the spectrum of red where flags are concerned (including infra-red which as we know is invisible to the naked eye), and I don't have short-term romantic relationships - all my failed relationships are LTR thank you very much. No, I tend toward the Idealistic view with romantic concepts. Why? Because I've seen them in action; performed them. And they are glorious. Sadly, that optimism is what hurts the most when your partner stops participating altogether. Looking back however, I'd still fall in love over and over because I've seen the other side, and it has zero wonder or joy or fulfillment. It simply is, and we are here to experience the full spectrum of it <3