The Empirical Manifesto

Tess asked about Gabs, Tabs, Cass, and Jennifer. She asked about my Christmas at Parker's which spurned Tess to ask about Lori and Dorian both, so I showed her my re-worked, updated, Pyramid of Dumb (Pyramid of Amygdala Disregulation) I mentioned getting Cass' drunk text and her subsequent realization of shame (after finishing the grief book she suggested) to which Tess replied, "She is not at fault - everything which was done was done with permission and even encouragement - she did nothing wrong." Onto that, (loosely) judging Cass for something I myself haven't myself done seems...disingenuous, which is when we discussed, Take Two (which Jennifer had previously sent to her). Looking forward to engaging and see what may become! This led Tess to ask me to spill the tea on the BF lol.

Tess reiterated how remarkable and special Tabs is by overcoming what she has (and also how pretty she was) and questioned me a little about her son's pathological lying before proclaiming he was doing so as a power struggle, and hopes that she'll be able to be more present in his life as a possible solution.

I am currently existing in the liminal spaces between consciousness and that tingling feeling you get prior to a fever coming on; near tears all day from an overwhelming feeling of gratitude from all the good things in my life I've either unconsciously taken for granted and an overwhelming desire to experience that gratitude in some practical, physical-world way far outside the hypothetical. I give so much of myself to so many so often that every once in a while I too would like to experience being taken care of. I don't require much. Some attention, maybe every so often. Laying naked in bed discussing possibilities to put into action just to see if they work. Discussing not just agendas and people and things, but ideas; ideals; ideology. Perhaps even to be held as tightly as I hold others, or even a modicum of reassurance compared to the flood of reassurance I provide. I dunno. Maybe I'm just whiney today.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not made of money (especially after that eye-opening divorce; fun fact - the court system doesn't actually care if you lie out your ass about absolutely everything as long as there is no paper trail suggesting otherwise, a fact of which she was apparently aware 10-years ago). The alternator set me back $1200 and I had to sign a waiver to drive back home because the rear tires were that bad. I stopped by the dealership here in town to get a quote and that particular size (the Performance Coupe has offset tires) is no longer made (not to mention they're three months out to getting a set on). I drove immediately to Walmart where all the Z-rated tires were either Summer weather only, 0-mile warranty, or both. Only two "all-weather" tires (with warranty) one of which I wouldn't put on a go-kart, and the other set me back another $800 but can be completed this week (though I will have to be there at the ungodly hour of 0900).

Saw Tess today. I wasn't sure we were going to get a chance to go over everything in an hour, but we did. She Started with Oklahoma ("Hi Jennifer!") but was mostly interested in my non-hypothetical thoughts on dating someone half my age plus seven. I found that considerably more difficult than writing hypothetically (which, looking back, I'm guessing Tess figured that might be the case). Tess knew I was in that liminal space, so I don't know if she was taking advantage of that, or not, but she "pushed" until she got me to say the words. And that was difficult for me given my last post on the subject (which she hadn't at that point yet read). Tess is one of the few people who knows how exceedingly high my expectations for a romantic relationship truly are, was beyond thrilled someone's daughter could be equally as extraordinary as their mother, and let me know I was beyond any reasonable doubt worthy of such no matter any difference in age. She also (seemingly) understood why I would never make that approach of my own accord (whether or not she agreed with my reasons we didn't get into - again, it was a busy session).

Either way, I am done chasing. I've never declaratively made that statement before, and perhaps that is what has placed me in this liminal state. If so, I hope it starts a metamorphosis I can neither see, nor comprehend, because I am done. A couple of months ago I realized I'm not nearly as goddamn special as I sometimes think I am, and my life over the last year is irrefutable proof of that.

It's time to do something different.

Tess and I spent an hour just talking about our respective week (and she told me her favorite salsa and favorite chips). But I did mention she needed to find me someone to date like Lindsey, her intern, to which she replied, "OMG why, that girl's a mess." Well, there's something I now know. I tried to explain that Tess was in the perfect position to play matchmaker for me - she knows my unique strengths and that which I seek in a partner. But she did pin me down on Lindsey; "What was it about Lindsey that you want to date someone like her?"

"Well, she challenged me right away - opened me up to things I had not considered. And she's beautiful."

"She's certainly that."

Tess introduced the idea that I was only in ever in lust with Cass. Yes, despite having deconstructed why I was drawn to her in the first place.

My daughter was in attendance this time around - though she mostly observed. We started with how I've been flirting with depression these past few weeks. Something with which I'm unaccustomed but seemed to be experiencing a few of its earmarks. The source of which appeared to be all the rejection (to which I am also unaccustomed) taking place during the depth of the consume phase in my create/consume cycle. From there, how I've considered drinking as a short-term coping mechanism, and finally that I'd set some boundaries where Cass is concerned - and why (falling prey to her oft-suggested potentiality).

My therapist got a kick out of my use of the term, "drinking" as I limit myself to those fruity canned margaritas. Her and Parker both have an affinity with whisky on the rocks. This conversation led to the longstanding rivalry she has with her brother on who can get dad the most drunk. My son has been in the lead since Oktoberfest, but the title has been passed on to my daughter since I was last there. I also filled Tess in on Tony/Nicole, Rachel, and Jennifer.

Also explained the phrase Nicole recently introduced to me, "Grippy socks, grippy box" (neither Parks nor Tess were familiar) and I thought Tess was going to DIE lol.

What a session! In attendance was myself, drax0r, and Jennifer (on video), intertwined as it were in a bubbling vat of awareness and incomprehension as we all struggled to articulate in languages others would understand in hopes of conveying essential, nuanced information in a way it could be received.

I'm unsure that part happened.

HIGHLIGHT:

The three of us carefully articulating numerous tertiary emotions when Tess finally blurts out, "Most people come in here either angry or sad - not this!"

My takeaway? Each one of us feels we alone can see, "the bigger picture" where our perspective is the most far-reaching; the most accurate; the most inclusive and accepting, and we're just waiting with patience and grace for the others to catch up to where we already are while holding space for the other person's obviously limited beliefs which is slowing them down from their true potential. If only they could understand the things we understand; see the things we see. Sure we make concessions, and acknowledge their point of view - even appreciate it from time to time. Yes each of us can and will admit we have work to do on ourselves; we don't not acknowledge our own shortcomings and challenges. This is reinforced in drax0r's Lexi which acknowledges him as the benevolent and omnipotent Main Character while oh so gently pointing out the scaffolding in which Jennifer and I have separately surround ourselves in order to survive. Awkwardly my Lexi acknowledges me as the benevolent and omnipotent Main Character while oh so gently pointing out the scaffolding in which Tony and Jennifer have separately surrounded themselves in order to survive. I assume Jennifer's Lexi acknowledges her similarly; each of us holding the meta-level resonance. In a vacuum, it's almost poetic.

Back home, drax0r and I engaged in aggressive deconstruction. I won't go into detail, but we have a history of being perceived as fighting. I think we even alarmed Gabs at one point. He was trying to get a highly specific answer to a highly specific question, but wasn't forming it in a way I understood. Not uncommon for us. Exasperatingly, he blurted out a completely different question. In dawning comprehension, I answered this new question and...we both burst into tears.

"Why have you never said it that way before?" he understandably asked.

"I have," I answered. "Numerous times to every party involved."

"This is the first time I've heard it, and I now understand everything."

Of course he does.

He's drax0r

Tess asked one at a time how my relationship was going with the following people:

• Tony


• Jennifer


• Cass


• Gabs

I replied with full and accurate transparency: "Fine."

I told her I people'd too much the day prior and passed her off to drax0r. She asked him some hard hitting questions such as, "Why are you the way you are?" and "Why do you think you think that way?" Or something to that effect. I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention at that point. I mentioned something about Ayn Rand, then sent her the Kill -9 (Lexi Raps) REMIX

Telehealth session today with drax0r in attendance. She asked if Jennifer was still with me (she wasn't) and asked how that was going - I explained we'd been talking about bringing The Experiment to a close and why (another blog post, surely). She had no more questions for me (ever since exclaiming to Jennifer, "You cured him!") so spent the rest of the session getting to know Tony. We're seeing her again on the 8th and 15th of April.

Fox Force Five. Fox, as in we’re a bunch of foxy chicks. Force, as in we’re a force to be reckoned with. Five, as in there’s one…two …three…four…five of us.

Thought it would be fun to make Jennifer a Trauma Team member. Then - as I was working on a Flux model of Geekfriend - thought I'd make her one as well. It's been a L O N G time since I did anything with Cass, so added her into the mix. That's when I began thinking about an altogether different connotation of, "Trauma Team," as a team assembled who support mine. Mentioning this, Gabby said, "In that case you'll need Tess on there." Once I had communicated the idea outside Gabs, Leslie suggested Gabby should be on there also.

And that's how we got to FOX FORCE FIVE.


Click for full-resolution

Most of the chatter this session revolved around what Jennifer does and how she does it. Tess is interested in learning more. Believes I'll find myself in an internal struggle leaving New Mexico at the conclusion of our visit later this month and I didn't disagree.

First session in ~2 years that wasn't about Cass. Well...not directly anyway.

We started with the admission I fall under the, "caretaker" moniker; that I always feel responsible for, and take on the burden of my partners emotional and physical needs. Even when my own are not met. Furthermore, either due to that, or for other reasons altogether which remain as of yet unknown - I seem to be unable to properly receive. At least in the constraints of the current test case (of which there's been only one so we don't really know if that's true or not at this point). Nonetheless, the situation remains dire as I have been unable (as of yet) to form an emotional attachment to Jennifer, and (from my limited perspective) the fallout from that is beginning to manifest (insofar as she is recognizing it and unable to actively engage it...or something like that).

"Why are you unable to create an emotional connection with Jennifer? You told me you require reciprocity, dialogue, transparency, and vulnerability."

"Well, Tess, either I was wrong about those things, or, I'm not getting them."

"Which ones are you not getting?"

"Reciprocity."

At this point Tess (at least to me) appeared visibly shocked. I should mention Jennifer was on the phone during the session and Tess is well acquainted with The Experiment, and the interaction the two of us share: unbridled honesty, transparency, vulnerability, and reciprocity.

"Ok," she began, "How do you define reciprocity?"

Without hesitation I stated (something along the lines of), "equally contributing to each others needs and receiving the same in return."

(Tess nods in agreement), "And Jennifer is not reciprocating? From what you've told me I find that hard to believe."

"Oh, she absolutely is."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I'm unable to receive it. She offers it freely, and I give it back in return, but I can't receive it. At least that's the working theory."

"What's preventing you from receiving?"

"Well Tess, that's the $64,000 question." I then gave her the topic of a new poem I started early this morning (and never finished along with the dozen other things floating around in my head I ran out of time to complete - including this entry which I am now feverishly trying to finish at midnight so I can lay down and not sleep again). I've entitled this poem, "Adrift" and it further metephorizes (I don't think that's a word), "letting go of the rope" (and its overwhelming follow-up Scroll of Questing.) Only this time I'm in a small boat (or `dingy of life` I think I lyricized) upon where letting go of the rope, rather than grabbing the opposite one, the release itself cause the small craft to yaw, pitch, and roll until I was set...well, adrift. In uncharted territory. Being without bearing, I knew not where the other, offered rope was located, which got me thinking about never quitting your job until you had already secured a new one - a common safety net for continued income. Were these ropes representative of relationships in which I required their safety? Refusing to let go of one until I was certain I could grab another? Is this who I have become? And if so, fucking why?

I do love it when Tess slips into psychologist mode because that's when the magic happens - or I cry, it could go either way. And Tess knew why (hell, if we're being honest I know why - I've been blogging on it most of my adult life - but it hits different when it comes from a professional laying your soul bare for all to gaze upon (which reminds me I still need to finish a quote I thought of last night while I was laying in bed not sleeping for Empirical Epistemology) (which touches on therapists.)) But I digress. The WHY I cannot receive is because (once again) I have been hurt so many times via betrayal of trust, my fragile psyche simply cannot process more at this time. It's not that consciously I don't want to heal, rather unconsciously I struggle with trusting my heart won't ever not be torn asunder (yet again.)

Tess had a cancellation so we had a two-hour session. Takeaway?

Love is not a feeling, its an action.

That was her view anyway. Naturally, I desired a little more specificity, on which we occasionally disagreed. She also opined that the reason I haven't gone all in with Jennifer is the dreaded, "too soon." I admitted the thought had crossed my mind, then again, that was one of the points of the experiment - to see if those pesky emotions could be processed faster with two people working on them, rather than just sitting alone, by ourselves, trying to figure out ourselves, the world, and our place in it. Jury is still out.

As I see things now, my fear is that without those feelings developing, I would be much more susceptible to influences I could otherwise control, now that I understand how my brain works. If I am enamored with those with whom I have that connection - those feelings - I know what to watch out for and presumably, wield some control over it. Without that lock in place, I feel like I would abandon everything to chase it. At least given what I've gone through in the past. That lock is the anchor which has always kept me in place; grounded me.

The reason not being ready had crossed my mind previously is a bit of a Catch-22. I am finally comfortable in my own place, alone. But that comfort came only after meeting Jennifer. I don't yet understand the dynamic, or if there even is a dynamic. The two things could be unrelated (though it doesn't feel like it unfolded that way). To add to the conundrum, if meeting Jennifer did shorten the time, that means the experiment worked in that regard (there are other parts to the experiment).

I meet with Tess again on the 4th.

Looking back, what put me in the position in which I found myself was a series of uncomfortable experiences: The conversation where Cass wanted me to "also" date other people in hopes I'd find someone "more well suited;" agreeing to experiment with someone willing to try and find out if an entire relationship could be fulfilling based solely upon the four pillars of intimacy and nothing more; and finding myself in bed with someone I had kissed simply to see if I could initiate the beginnings of an emotional connection. Uncomfortable, all. I did not wish to have that conversation with Cass, I did not wish to place myself under scrutiny in the meat market which is online dating, and I did not want to kiss a girl with whom I did not already share an emotional connection. Yet I understand growth occurs outside our comfort zone, and I had been stagnant far too long. I'm not one to just tempt fate, I'll get my fingers sticky to illustrate the gravity of my intent and enjoy what I can from that exchange before reaping the consequences of my actions. Not uncommon of course is what generally happens after you fingerbang fate - she responds. So it is with knowing where, how, and why growth occurs. Every time something arose that was uncomfortable, I redoubled my efforts to chase it - to embrace it - just like those poor people who can't help but try and hug dangerous wild animals because they look cuddly...right before being mauled.

I did ask Tess this session which was more important, finding the person who is more well suited, or being in love with someone who may be damn close. Tess replied that everything I have told her about both Cass and Jennifer - and what she knew about what it was I am seeking - that my relationship with Jennifer appeared from her perspective to be more easily sustainable, and were I to continue pursuing an emotional connection with her, the other would no doubt follow. She then offered that she wasn't sure Cass knew exactly how much she was giving up in giving me up, and knew how difficult it was for me, but also glad I'd taken it upon myself to move forward.

It would have been in poor taste to not be willing to use myself as a test subject to the same degree I expected in a partner, and of my two potentials, one was excited to embrace the idea of discovering for herself the outcome, and the other was excited to not do that. I thus found myself at the first crossroads, for choosing the one who was excited for the journey was also the most uncomfortable with which to do so. The first rule of Growth Club is that we always talk about Growth Club. And always choose the most uncomfortable course of action if we want the greatest opportunity for growth. Given this was one of the foundational theories of my experiment, I ran with it. And this is how I found myself adorned in nothing but a condom.

The good news: I am apparently as fantastic in bed as my wife tells everyone I am. Always nice to hear. And really, to be able to see for myself without need of words; things I experience from every gasp, sigh, and arch of the back; curling of the toes; that look in the eyes of raw, carnal, instinctual desire. I honestly feel bad for women who do not have the level of sheer touch and attention in their own lives - even non-sexually - that I provide my partners without cease and without expectation or obligation. Without consequence. I also should've mentioned at some point I'm double-jointed I guess? "The best sexual experience of my entire life" I think she said :D But now the bad news: I discovered my own block(s). I couldn't finish. Each night that week and weekend when she was completely spent, I lay there in contemplation thinking, considering, and introspecting, while saying everything out loud for transparency, feedback, and discussion. Nothing was ever off-limits. The more uncomfortable the conversation, the more radical the growth, right?

Was it the unfamiliarity of the condoms? Was it due to focusing too hard to form that emotional connection? Was it because she isn’t Cass - and if so what does that say about me? Am I flawed or is it simply my thoughts that require adjustment? I acknowledged the possibility was none of those things, that they were simply the path of least resistance coming to mind that has zero bearing on the outcome. Just easy, simplistic excuses. As we lay there one-night discussing different eventualities which may or may not ever come to pass, become opportunities, or even ever exist anywhere but within our own scenarios, she told me if I chose another over her, she would shed tears, but would have enjoyed everything she has learned and experienced from our experiment; that finding me on my journey has helped expand her own, and really, isn't that what the human experience is all about and little more? Yes. Yes it is. But at the same time the idea of being limited in what we're allowed to choose brought up my own repressed instincts - the ongoing bane of my existence - the idea that the majority of humankind is so limited in everything we ever do, feel, or think, is limited to the finite as we celebrate the labeling of everything we touch as a false dichotomy despite the very real, very raw, limitless nature in both ourselves, and everything we do or can observe, and that struck a chord with me - it brought up much older puzzles I had solved previously and no longer accepted as truth.

I know the sudden fervor in my voice surprised her, for her brow furrowed and she repeated several times, "I'm not backing down from that statement!" My response was joy, because she helped me remember who I was; who I am, and I am none of those things. I embrace the impossible, the challenging, the uncomfortable, and the surreal - I smash false dichotomies, not cower to them. With renewed enthusiasm, I took her then and there, and she was amazed.

Two things. One, it's damn rare that I would ever close my eyes and pretend I'm having sex with someone else during the act, and two, on the very few occasions on which I have, I've certainly never disclosed it. Why? Disclosing that sort of thing would be uncomfortable, and the subsequent conversation perhaps even more so. But you can't have true transparency (or a true experiment) without potentially difficult conversations. The funny part is, once you've established that level of trust with someone, no conversations are ever difficult - they're as exciting as they are necessary. So I told her, "If you noticed my eyes were closed, it was because I was imagining I was making love to someone else, to see if the blocks I seem to have could be cleared." Her entire face lit up with joy as I revealed this to her. She was thrilled I had tried different things which may have worked. When she was done reveling in my revelation, I thanked for her receiving what I'd told her in the spirit in which it was intended - that I am unaccustomed to disclosing such things, of which she was aware of and excited about as I was telling her what I had done, because she knew it was a damn rare thing to have the very conversation we were having, and we were both relishing in the whole exchange. Absolutely everything that has transpired within the experiment to date has been pretty fucking magical. I've never played in relationships-as-experiments before, but the entire timeline seems compressed and an absolute joy when you don't just say you're transparent and vulnerable, but actually manage to pull those things off. And now I'm interested in picking Cass' brain on where she may stand with the condoms...

Tess wanted to know how things went my week in Oklahoma, and picked up on the fact I wasn't immediately interested in initiating a romantic relationship with Jennifer. "So why are you going back this weekend?" she asked. I explained that couldn't possible predict eventualities, and wanted to pursue the idea further. I also laughed at Cass' reminder (challenge?), "You've told me that you're poly, that you can love two women simultaneously."

Touché, I'd replied to her.

So yeah, that's why. If I believe these things to be true, and say them to other people as a matter of course, I'd damn well embody the ideals myself. Though Tess did tell me I may never stop loving Cassie. A lifetime of that might be challenging.

Then mentioned my co-worker's sister-in-law (INFJ) and she started furiously taking notes. sigh

Brought Gabs so her and Tess could work out some things.

Told Tess I had written up last season's notes, and sent them to Cass at her request, and that I would no longer be pursuing her. Tess asked, "How'd she respond to that?" I replied, "Honestly? She seemed relieved."

"And how are you feeling about that?"

"I'm processing."

"You've been pursuing her a long time."

"Yes."

Told her I met a self-actualized ENFJ. Tess was, "Like, an actual female?" (Ha!) Then she started digging into why I believed she was self-actualized, all the time reminding me people can say anything they wish. "Yes, well obviously I will compare her words to her actions, attitude, and behavior," (Tess is nodding) "...but there is nothing which suggests she isn't; I became aware of the possibility through our interactions. I don't know her well enough to ascertain that for myself, but she has so many of the traits I finally just asked her."

"And what did she say?" I quoted her precisely, "Humbly, yes." It was the inclusion of the word humbly which sold Tess it appeared - she seemed impressed (I am a lot of things but, "humble" would probably not be anyone's first descriptor of me.) She wanted to know her name. She wanted to know where she lived. She wanted to know how I met her. She wanted to know if I had any concerns. I took a moment and replied:

"I am concerned I will form an emotional attachment too quickly, I am concerned I won't form an emotional attachment at all, I am concerned the emotional attachment I am trying to sever from Cass will somehow thwart my efforts, and I'm concerned about hurting [ENFJ] because of my concerns."

"Don't you think anyone starting out in a new relationship has these same concerns?"

"Not in my experience, no. They seemingly just want to get laid and have a good time without any introspection whatsoever. Emotional connection isn't even on their radar."

"Well...again, you're an outlier. I assume [ENFJ] knows about Cass?"

"She does not."

"Why not?"

"I was laying in bed last night thinking all the things I wish to know about her journey which led her to where she is, and I want to share my own journey with her, but discovered I'm not in a hurry. I don't need to know these things right away; they are unimportant right now."

"What is important right now?"

"Interaction."

"Does she challenge you as Cass does?"

"She does not. Not yet at least."

"Is that going to be a problem?"

"It would be, yes. But she has a very different skill set than I, different knowledge. I've known Cass for years. [ENFJ] and I are on Day 4."

"What does she do for a living."

(Heavy sigh...) "She's a...massage therapist."

(Quizzical look) "...Oh."

"Yeah."

"I wonder if there is something about that field which affords those who work it to be introspective?"

I mentioned my recent conversation surrounding neurodivergent and how we tend to gravitate toward only a handful of careers based on our own specific way of thinking, and suggested it might be the inverse of her suggestion. Revealed I was attending a, "munch" this month, which surprised her as she was familiar because of her clientele, and she finally asked, "HOW do you get invited to all these different and varied things?" All I could do was shrug. This led to a longer conversation about BDSM, kink, and the like. At some point I made my thoughts on the matter known (she knows I'm hypersexual but I don't think I've discussed being vanilla here on the blog before):

"My wife used to make fun of me for being a vanilla hypersexual, but the way I see it, kinks are limiting. When you embrace a kink or a lifestyle, not only are you limiting your options, most can't even, "get off" unless that kink is in play. Whereas being vanilla opens up every possible avenue in which to discover and explore - it is quite literally, limitless. Many kinks are fairly binary so you can be one, or the other - rarely both, and if you are a "both" type person you've upgraded from one to two. When you're vanilla you can be anything you want and play in everyone's playground. Moreso, you can enjoy every innumerous interaction. It just opens up the entire playing field."

I invited Tess to come with me to the munch.

Unsurprisingly, she declined 🤣

Cass missed the first half of the session, so I asked what the difference was between fear and anxiety, as I had always assumed fear was localized while anxiety was unspecified. Tess helped me understand that unlike fear, anxiety manifests itself through elevated heart rate and feelings of dread either generally, or with specific triggers. When I mentioned the panic attack whilst playing Cyberpunk the other day, she agreed with our assessment of why it occurred.

I told Tess about the both of us dating others when I returned to Kansas. She asked how I felt about that. I admitted I wasn't concerned in the slightest, because I've set the bar so high, no one else will be able to compare. She asked why Cass wanted us to date other people. I explained it was two-fold: One, she wants me to be absolutely sure she's the one I want, and cannot help but feel there's

"someone else"
"out there"
"better suited"

for me. And secondly, she'd really like the rush of chemicals I had with her that she has not had with me - perhaps she'll find that with someone else.

Cass joined us and asked about her youngest. Tess suggested a small, .5mg dose of Adderall, just enough to quiet the brain and get her focused to see if that helps.

After which Tess asked Cass why she was struggling with allowing me to date her. It came down (again) to being her best-friend's ex-husband. They went back and forth a little bit before Tess said she's have to make a conscious decision to change that in her head if she wanted that rush of chemicals with me, otherwise it really was never going to happen.

Driving home after the appointment, I said the quiet part out loud, "Only if you wish to have a romantic relationship with, do you have to make that conscious decision, otherwise its a moot point." She started in (again) about someone else better suited out there and I said, "Let's just call it what it is, a list of reasons you don't want to marry me - which is fine, but just say that."

"No, there's lots of reasons why I would want to marry you."

We got home, changed clothes for our date, and she pecked me on the lips, "There's a kiss."

😑

Later that night at dinner I asked, "You mentioned there were also many reasons that you would want to marry me, what might they be?" She sat back in her chair and looked at me, "You already have a big enough...self-assuredness so I wouldn't want to add to that." She paused a beat, "Fine. One - we're already great friends and it would be easy to slip into an already existing relationship. Two - I have it on very good authority you're excellent in bed and would make an exceptional lover. Three - You actually have a career and are financially stable."

Back in the car, we kissed. For real this time.

And it was glorious.

Got a, "thumbs up" from Tess over Telehealth this morning when she found out I was in New Mexico. This resulted in the majority of the session reminding me to not only remain focused on the present, but to also remind Cass often to do the same. Funny enough, we've been reminding each other constantly during our conversations. I was also pleased last night when Cass quoted Tess, saying, "She said we owe it to ourself to give a chance else we'll never know what could have been." Or something to that effect :D

To start, she was interested in hearing the The Eighth Stage of Grief (which she found inspired). We used that as our jumping off point.

Eventually, we got around to the BFF.

I explained to Tess my assumptions, then the BFF's assumptions. She wholeheartedly agreed with the BFF. Then laughed at me.

You see, when I finally get down there, I figured we'd take things slowly - figure things out - see how they feel, then proceed. BFF believes that if things feel right, nothing at all will go slowly, because we've spent the last two years figuring everything out. We're both scenario-runners, which means both of us have already played out everything in our head by a factor of 1000, and we wouldn't be at this point unless the odds were in our favor. The last piece of the puzzle being how it feels being together in this new configuration. Barring that, the usual "initial discovery" phase is already complete. All the questions have been asked and answered and all that remains is the practical exercise and its eventual conclusion. Tess wholeheartedly agrees, and bases this on the level of our communication - a level most couples don't see no matter how long they've been together. So if we've already exceeded that, and continue down this path of transparency, vulnerability, dialogue, and reciprocity - we're already ready for one another to create a most perfect union.

I'll take being laughed at for that <3

Geekfriend wanted me to see a psychologist instead of a therapist. However, there are no psychologists in my area. Tess did tell me the only difference between therapists and psychologists was their ability to perform standardized tests, which I would simply blow through anyway.

This session I told her that I'm used to being the one who people come to for ideas on unique perspectives, but when I first fell in love with Cass, I realized she was my peer in this endeavor - that she had her own unique perspectives which I found refreshing- and how that has mutated over the last year to a bit of role-reversal, as I have learned so much from her. Not merely learned, but in the way she alone has challenged me, I have expired my old way of thinking and have been drawing new conclusions; how absolutely wonderful that was to be challenged in the way she challenges me, the way no one else ever has. And yes, how surely that is part of my attraction to her, and how given the events over the past two years, I imagine it persisting throughout the rest of my life were I to spend it with her.

We touched briefly on the importance of shared values, which I explained were nearly identical, despite Cass sometimes feeling otherwise, and why - that the values Cass holds are simply synonyms for, or subsumed under my own, giving her a couple of examples. She agreed and moved on.

Tess explained that Cass struggles internally with the relationship with her former best friend, but was amazed at how gentle I am with simply providing different perspectives and sitting back waiting for her patiently to do her own processing. I told Tess she does the same with me, and it's simply beautiful when she does. I foresee a lifetime of growth ahead of us both given our unique relationship and thirst for knowledge and continuous improvement.

When I mentioned Geekfriend's opinion on the matter, Tess asked if it was possible she was just jealous. Pretty sure my mouth dropped open. "What?!?!?! Absolutely not!" So then I had to describe the nature of my relationship with her, which admittedly is difficult to do. So much so, I don't plan to ever attempt it again. I did leave out the part about the giant elf penis which will ultimately end up on my daughter's wall, because I believe that would be too much for any therapist to wrap their head around. When I mentioned this to Geekfriend, once again she mentioned not being surprised at all, and had expected it. I of course did not expect it. At all. It was great for a laugh though.

Cass is scheduled to join us via TELEHEALTH for three sessions starting next month. If she enjoys/finds value in it, I can extend those, but its a great start.

I wasn't scheduled this week, but did ask to be contacted if she had a cancellation.

I was, for lack of a better word, "up" when I arrived. So many changes going on in my life seemingly culminating. I don't remember even giving her a change to speak, or respond. I just data dumped all over her, and left.

While working on the Cyberpunk video, I'd told Gabs I was crafting an entire video around the two quotes,

When true desires go unfulfilled, they turn into needs.

and

Not a single thing in this world isn't in the process of becoming something else. Likewise, you.

I'll chalk it up to Tess being a decent therapist to have picked up on that after she watched it. However, she did have more to say on it: "The imagery you chose also tells a story; the train, the explosions, the girl - you're searching and fighting yourself along the way seeking that intimacy you so desire. The video was simply a distraction."

Guilty as charged.

I also admitted culpability insofar as BFF likely being just as confused with my behavior as I was with hers at times. Tess was curious as to why. I stated simply, "Because I too run the entire spectrum of emotions from wanton desire to utter ambivalence from time to time and she may be picking up on some of that."

"What does it look like when you're ambivalent?"

"I have more objectivity."

"And desire?"

"The opposite of objectivity."

Next week we're going to delve into the relationship I had with my father for reasons yet unknown.

Given my blogs over the past several days, my therapist is doubling down on her belief BFF is stringing me along; something she and (soon-to-be-ex) wife have in common apparently, for wife warned me of this very thing nearly two full years ago. Despite my protestations (and the fact the therapist was so enamored with my previous assignment for being able to articulate I was hurt (I guess that's a thing)), she has given me a new blog assignment: At what point do I walk away from a relationship when lack of intimacy starts to negatively impact me (or something along those lines). Apparently the whole, "EXACT OPPOSITE...and for TWENTY MONTHS" is all part of the string-along playbook, of which everyone seems to be aware except me. Even Leslie has cautioned me. Then there's Michelle who said, "Whether it’s Dorian or Mormonism, she’s in a place where she feels it would be dishonorable to choose you. Now, I want you to think back to you and I. You felt it was dishonorable to choose me - you couldn’t let Lori be right. Maybe BFF can rise above it. But you, one of the most logical people I know, could not. (Although, it’s apparent you could now.) So if you wonder what she’s going through, think back to how you felt. That’s where she is now. And no, she’s not stringing you along - at least not on purpose. She’s fighting with herself. Just as you were a decade ago." I admitted to her I know it happened, but for the life of me couldn't remember why I cared. Her reply? "Emotional abuse is a bitch to overcome."

As an aside, this is a demonstrable example of one of the problems of letting other people's opinions control your actions: BFF will not date me because it would prove wifey correct. However, if she doesn't date me that will also prove wifey correct. What is a potential lover to do?

The rest of the sesh was on how I specifically choose partners given my exceedingly high expectations, and then weed out those who ultimately don't qualify. This was lot of repetitive, "action, attitude, behavior" on the heels of each, "transparency, vulnerability, reciprocity, and dialogue" but drove the point home. That and reiterating I won't need to look anywhere outside my current relationship as long as those things continue to exist and be worked on.

Tess has given me an assignment - write a blog about why people chase that which they cannot have. Hrumph! I did let her know of Cass' recommendation of Susan Cain's book, Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole (and also how I was initially terrified to read it). Due to scheduling conflicts, I also brought Gabs with me to session, and this is important later because living with me, Gabs has a perspective Tess does not. As an aside, Tess absolutely loved Gabs.

Tess believes my expectations for a partner are far too high while simultaneously understanding why - they have to be to reach the level of intimacy I desire. That out of the way, she believes I expect too much out of Cass, despite seeing that potential in her. Since I can't legally (her word, not mine) force Cass to outpace her own growth, I need to be patient. Am I patient, she asked? I replied that I am the patron saint of patience.

Which brought up needs. Specifically, my own. And how some - but not all - are currently being met by Cass, and "how long" I would be able to survive without seeking the rest elsewhere. I admitted I didn't know, but hoped as long as it took, for Cass is so uniquely perfect in so many ways I will never be able to replace the joy she alone brings to my life, and the way my face lights up every time I see her; interact with her.

Gabby interjected, "I asked him if he could live with her in a traditional, monogamous relationship."
Tess then exclaimed, "I asked him the same thing last week!"
I explained it thusly: "I vowed that I would be hers and hers alone as long as the two of us were always willing to try because that is what is important to me. And now that I know why, and how I fell so madly in love with her, it no longer holds power over me - I will wield it as a shield of faith - all I have to do is never allow myself to become emotionally attached to someone, and I will never desire them over Cass. Ever."

Tess believes Cass is telling me what I want to hear to keep me interested while not committing to a relationship, but she doesn't know that Cass has been doing the EXACT OPPOSITE...and for TWENTY MONTHS. Cass has told me over and over and over she is not interested in pursuing a relationship with me and is always dreaming up new and surprising ways to convince me of it. Gabs understands that our relationship belies those words, so disagreed completely with Tess.

As for me? I'll continue to live my truth. It's the only thing I know how to do.