2025 - Second Session

[ehowton]

Tess had a cancellation so we had a two-hour session. Takeaway?

Love is not a feeling, its an action.

That was her view anyway. Naturally, I desired a little more specificity, on which we occasionally disagreed. She also opined that the reason I haven't gone all in with Jennifer is the dreaded, "too soon." I admitted the thought had crossed my mind, then again, that was one of the points of the experiment - to see if those pesky emotions could be processed faster with two people working on them, rather than just sitting alone, by ourselves, trying to figure out ourselves, the world, and our place in it. Jury is still out.

As I see things now, my fear is that without those feelings developing, I would be much more susceptible to influences I could otherwise control, now that I understand how my brain works. If I am enamored with those with whom I have that connection - those feelings - I know what to watch out for and presumably, wield some control over it. Without that lock in place, I feel like I would abandon everything to chase it. At least given what I've gone through in the past. That lock is the anchor which has always kept me in place; grounded me.

The reason not being ready had crossed my mind previously is a bit of a Catch-22. I am finally comfortable in my own place, alone. But that comfort came only after meeting Jennifer. I don't yet understand the dynamic, or if there even is a dynamic. The two things could be unrelated (though it doesn't feel like it unfolded that way). To add to the conundrum, if meeting Jennifer did shorten the time, that means the experiment worked in that regard (there are other parts to the experiment).

I meet with Tess again on the 4th.