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Made plans for a date Wednesday. Drove up the day before. Found a nice hotel in Manhattan. As I was leaving, I got a text confirming my hotel in Pratt. Panicked, I followed all the links to cancel that reservation...then I noticed the contact email. It wasn't mine. It was Dorian's. The next day they even called me to confirm. I was like, "Look, that's not my reservation, it's my ex-wife's."
"Can you contact her and ask her to..."
"Absolutely not."
I get settled in the hotel in Manhattan and as it turns out my date also has tonight free :D So we meet up and visit for several hours before we go our separate ways. I cannot believe how good I slept in the hotel bed. Awoke to a message that she wasn't that into me and cancelled the entire day.
So that sucked.
I instead worked a full day and left afterward. Setting my route in the GPS I noticed it was hour longer on the drive home than the drive there. They'd closed the interstate (wreck I assume) and the detour was an extra hour. I took a chance and drove the interstate route when it said, "Hey! You wanna modify your route to save an hour?" No brainer. So a slightly different way back before it dumped me back on the interstate.
Then the sun went down.
And it started raining.
And I was on a fresh blacktop with no stripes.
And it was foggy.
I'm home now.
When I'd told her I was sorry I had taken so long to understand her email to me, she said it wasn't what she'd meant, but the words were very clear - there really wasn't any other way for me to take them. It wasn't that I had misinterpreted them, rather didn't want to. Further conversation revealed she meant them exactly as she had stated, so I really don't know where the confusion lay. Either way, we seemingly both did a horrible job communicating our intent to one another. There's no room for blame here because people miscommunicate all the time and further dialogue usually clears things right up. The issue surrounding this topic was that despite that initial miscommunication, clearing things right up reiterated the original intent.
I wasn't calling out anything as "red flags" simply stating I'd taken off the rose-colored glasses which caused me to misinterpret the communication. I could, simply put, see all the colors now. We all already know the answer to what speaks way more volume than words, and that's actions, attitude, and behavior. Taking the glasses off was nothing more than finally aligning those actions and behavior I experienced with the words I had read.
Tess loved the "rose-colored glasses" metaphor and asked where I got it. I pointed her to my Empirical Epistemology FB page where I'd done a quote from Bojack Horeseman which read, "You know, it's funny; when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." This is what helped inspire Hoist the Colors.
Rose-colored glasses
Turn warning lights to gold.
Every red flag
Just looked like something I could hold
I called it understanding.
I called it giving grace.
Until I learned being transparent
Doesn’t guarantee a place
Everything I ever wanted
All wrapped up in one
But it takes two to tango
Why’d you have to run?
No more rose-colored glasses.
I finally see the light.
Love isn't losing pieces
Just to keep them in your life.
I see all the colors now
No more chasing what I lost
Emotional mismanagement
Too high a cost
You said I gave you too much.
I now know what that means
You weren't asking me for less—
Just couldn’t return what you’d seen
Despite knowing better
I took you at your word
Was demonstrative
Still went unheard
Words become decisions.
Actions become truth.
I believe what people build—
Not what they say they'll do.
No more rose-colored glasses.
I finally see the light.
How’d it go so wrong
When we were oh so right
I see all the colors now
No more waiting in the rain.
If someone wants forever—
They'll help build the frame.
When you said, “I don’t want to build anything with you," I finally understood you had no intentions of being with me. I’m sorry for not realizing that sooner. It would've saved us both a lot of confusion. The fact neither of us could apparently communicate our intent to one another is an epic fuck up resting on both our shoulders.
Your stated desire was to heal by yourself, alone, without me.
Done.
No more rose-colored glasses.
Everything is crystal clear
You don’t want me
So now I’ll disappear
I see all the colors now
No longer going to lurk
Saving adoration
For those who do the work
Oh-oh-oh... No more rose-colored glasses.
Oh-oh-oh... The future starts tonight.
[OUTRO]
It could've been us.
Thank you for everything.
I’ll miss you something fierce...
◾ Tags:
For reasons which escape me now, I don't remember what precipitated Keep Running - but apparently I was angry and very hurt. What I do remember is pounding this entire thing out sitting on Parker's couch over two days on the MacBook. I don't immediately recall if any song since has been as painfully direct, but I am certain nothing preceding it was. I had a lot to say and didn't hold back. I could not have been more clear about anything from start to finish, and yet this raw, vulnerable treatise received the same feedback as the rest: Nothing. Not a goddamn thing. Fucking crickets. She wanted to know if we could still maintain a relationship and I replied if she built back trust, absolutely. Surprise, surprise, she hasn't even tried. When we chat (which isn't often) it's about superficial bullshit and nothing more. A, "How's your day?" once every 24-36 hours. I've known where I fell on the importance chart a long time ago, but damn. Why bother asking?
For weeks this one was stuck in my head, and even now if I'm not careful it can raise my blood pressure - which is a fantastic litmus test for when I laughingly want to test how close I am to indifference. Just writing this is causing me to lose focus. I am still hurt, and none of it makes any goddamn sense at all.
I'm running away from you as fast as I can.
From everything we didn’t become
But often lose much more ground than I gain
Because you were the one
I stumble over memories.
I crash into yesterday.
Every time I think I'm clear...
Your shadow blocks the way.
I'm trying to outrun
Someone
who already walked away.
You let me keep chasing you
You watched me burn alive.
allowed me to court you
How am I supposed to survive?
You let me keep chasing you
While I came apart inside.
When its finally too late
I’ll no longer be someone you recognize.
You never misunderstood me.
I never hid my intent.
I told you exactly where I stood
what I hoped to gain
Exactly what was meant.
You cheered me forward.
Watched every step I took.
If you knew you didn’t want me...
Why bother keeping me hooked?
Every mile of distance
Becomes another scar.
You let me keep chasing you
You watched me burn alive.
allowed me to court you
How am I supposed to survive?
You let me keep chasing you.
While I tore myself apart.
Every promise hinted
Like shrapnel through my heart.
I wasn't confused.
And neither were you
We discussed it ad naseum
I believed what you encouraged.
And that's the part that hurts
If you knew...
If you knew...
Why let me keep going?
Every step I took toward you
Was another promised vow
Every mile you let me close in
Confuses me now
You didn't stop me.
You didn't choose me.
You just...
Watched.
You let me keep running
Nothing you wanted to build
I've become another stranger
Trying to get my fill.
You let me keep running
And I’m so very far away
I hoped you’d change your mind
Before it was too late
[OUTRO]
No finish line.
No destination.
Just...distance.
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Dancing With My Demons remains my therapist's favorite insofar as its ability to so clearly illustrate the complexity and process of struggling with and reconciling emotions. Anthropomorphizing emotions provided the freedom to articulate the process in a relatable, tangible way. This song is probably the one I listen to the most as it seemingly remains the most relevant. I still wish to express myself in ways I do not; cannot. The repercussions for such are just too damn high. As with some of these videos, this one was born from actual events occurring after hours when I was alone in bed at the end of my day.
I'm learning how to hide from you
The parts I used to freely show
Teaching my heart restraint
Because it isn't safe to go
Measuring every sentence
Holding back what wants to pour
If loving threatens self-preservation
I can't be open anymore
So I'm pulling away again.
I'm pulling away...again
I'm dancing with my demons
Every night inside my head
They know every weakness
Every word I've already said
I'm dancing with my demons
While I'm reaching through the dark
Trying not to lose myself
Before it shatters my heart
Oh-oh-oh...
Dancing with my demons.
I fed them years of hope and promises
Now they always want some more
They're patient and insatiable
Waiting just outside the door
Most days I keep them quiet
Chain them somewhere out of sight
But until I break them completely
They still come alive at night
They whisper all the things
I desperately want to believe
Painting lies like memories
Until I can't see what I see
I'm dancing with my demons
Every night inside my head
They know every weakness
Every word I've already said
I'm dancing with my demons
Sometimes I even give in
I know it will destroy my heart
But feeding them feels like a win
I fight them in your name.
Sometimes...
I even win.
But victory is borrowed.
Morning always comes.
I start each battle believing
I'm finally stronger now.
Then one familiar whisper
Pulls the whole cathedral down.
The hardest part
Is knowing they're not you.
They're echoes.
Old ghosts.
Old wounds
Wearing your face.
I'm dancing with my demons
Learning every step they know
Some nights I lead the dance...
Some nights they won't let go.
I'm dancing with my demons
But I'm slowly changing sides
Every scar becomes a weapon
Every sunrise turns the tide
Oh-oh-oh...
I'm dancing with my demons.
Not forever.
One day they'll call my name...
And hear only silence.
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Boy Toys was a purpose-written song to describe my divorce to those who seemingly gather information from a single source. I am exceedingly honest about my own flaws, missteps, and mistakes because it would be inauthentic to try and paint any breakup as a fault/blame scenario in order to either pit people I know against the other party, or to garner support through misinformation and lies. Apparently that is not a view which is widely held, nor practiced. So I released this as a bit of an informative retelling of events, because I am certain most people who fall into the former category were not made aware; it has a tendency to change the narrative.
Together a decade, communication art
Ten years of agreements written on my heart
Most days it felt like balance, a life we both designed
She begged me to seduce her best friend
And so I played my part
I learned to trust her vision
Push my doubts below
How can she not love you she asked
She just doesn't yet know
I did everything she wanted
She whispered in my head
Can't wait for her to feel you inside her
Doing exactly what she said
She planted all the thoughts
Created all the visions
Promised it was what she wanted
Told me it was her decision
She said fuck her in the evenings, that's when she'll need you most
You can have me in the mornings, just after breakfast toast
So I opened up my heart the way she'd spent a decade asking me
And fell head over heels with her best friend
Turned out it was easy
Because we got really close
My wife had all her boy-toys
Wanted me to have a girlfriend
Wanted it to be her BFF
I relented in the end
I did everything she wanted
She whispered in my head
Can't wait for her to feel you inside her
Doing exactly what she said
This is what I want for her
As I plowed her deep
With such powerful visions
How could I fall asleep?
The rules rewrote themselves the moment that I followed every one
She recanted every word she said and called me what she'd done
She told it to anyone who'd listen — I left her, I'm the one to blame
But she was fine with all of it until I loved someone the same
I did everything she wanted
She whispered in my head
Can't wait for her to feel you inside her
Doing exactly what she said
But when faced with what it felt like
When my power reached her own
She didn't like the taste of it in her mouth
And demanded capitulation
She never said she was sorry
Never admitted her own part
Just framed it like I was the bad guy
And left me holding my heart
Turns out it was okay for her to have her boy-toys
And begging me to get a girlfriend wasn't true
She was allowed to love who she wanted
...But I was not.
I don't pick up a lot of non-verbal cues. I don't ever, "read the room." I just exist. Part of that may be due to being on the (self-diagnosed) AuHD spectrum, but I assure you the other part is taught; I refuse to walk on eggshells around those who lash out when they're having a bad day. You do you, boo. I'mma do me. Often that translates into me being productive and happy no matter what is going on around me. I spent far too long minimizing myself for someone else's inability to self-regulate.
I do notice patterns however. And while I don't go on a lot of dates, I go on even fewer second dates.
I had a total of three dates this weekend (unusual for me) and even one second date. The inability to pick up on social cues means I never have any idea whether my dates are even ever enjoying themselves. I mean, I am kind, well-mannered, a good conversationalist, and generous but have also been told afterwards that I am too, "white collar" or that they are attracted to emotionally unavailable men. There's nothing I can do about that. This contrasted greatly to the unprompted external validation I received after my numerous dates this weekend, one who commented, "My spirit feels uplifted" and the other who articulated (what I read as) validation. When I replied that I had a delightful time she responded, "I know. I could tell." I found that affirming.
◾ Tags:
From Summer Valentino's post on Facebook:
Science shows the person that you are most desperate to be chosen by is not just someone that you want, they are someone your nervous system has been trying to heal through.
Research on attachment and repetition compulsion shows that the nervous system does not choose romantic partners randomly. It chooses people who activate the specific emotional environments of the original wound. Not to suffer it again, but to try to resolve it. To finally get the ending the nervous system never received. To be chosen by the person who represents the one who did not choose you. To be understood by the person who activates the same feeling as the one who never understood you.
The desperation is not about them specifically. It's about what they represent to a nervous system that has been carrying an unfinished story for a very long time.
Research on emotional memory shows that the nervous system stores unresolved relational experiences as open loops. Incomplete cycles looking for completion. And when it encounters someone who matches the emotional signature of that open loop, it orients toward them with an intensity that feels like destiny, like recognition, like this is the one, when what it actually is, is the nervous system saying, this is the pattern. This is the unfinished thing. This is where I have been trying to get to.
The problem is that the person who most activates the wound is rarely the person who is best equipped to heal it, because they are usually carrying a matching wound of their own, and two people trying to heal through each other without awareness of what they are doing produce not resolution, but repetition.
The intensity you feel toward the person is real. The pull is real. The recognition is real, but it is the recognition of the wound, not the arrival of the person who will finally fix it.
The healing does not come from finally being chosen by that person. It comes from understanding what that person represents and doing the work that makes the desperate quality of the need finally quiet down.
I was initially dismayed by this because I can see where that would describe my own longing and desire, but also because that isn't what anyone who is in love wants to hear; "It's not love, rather your nervous system trying to heal an old wound." Hrupmh! Some of those with whom I've shared the above were already familiar with the findings as they've done their own work already, so I sat and thought about it a bit. Like, I'm obviously not going to disagree with it (especially since it hit so close to home), but I did dig deeper into everything adjacent - my own findings - and even more recent interactions which likely support my perspective that works alongside it without the above being the sole point of view.
I'll start with some recent trips I've been on. Somehow they all remind me of New Mexico. All the roads seem familiar, and the longing to be there no matter what I'd be doing there or what would be going on in my life were I there (ok, I can suddenly see where this sounds supportive of the above but hear me out). I like who I am when I am there. I enjoy the role I step into while there. I miss having kids and supporting them in whatever way they may require. I'm good at it, and use the practice to learn more; better ways of handling things. I enjoy being demonstrative in the ways I am while there. That is not my nervous systems wanting to heal itself from an old wound.
Then I had an (admittedly short) exchange which activated something in me I've been missing; the thrill and joy of my preferred communication style: interrogation data exchange. I can sustain myself on regular-people communication indefinitely when required, but it is often less fulfilling. The previous time it happened was a random guy to whom I'd just been introduced a couple of years back. We recognized it in each other and slipped right into it for less than three minutes. When we'd finished, we both looked at the pair who'd introduced us and they were staring at us with mouths agape in incomprehension. Prior to that was New Mexico - one of the many things I enjoy about being there. That is not my nervous system wanting to heal itself from an old wound.
On and off during the last 15 years on this blog I've discussed how common interests alone a sustainable relationship do not make. It requires values alignment, trust, honesty, and a whole host of other related ideals. That said, common interests which can spurn increased interaction are absolutely desirable (for those of us who seek out such things). That, and I enjoy being challenged. When you are with someone who offers a seemingly bottomless well of these things, it is a joy. To me, that doesn't feel like a nervous systems wanting to heal itself from an old wound.
◾ Tags:
Clarify Your Values
- What were the most important things in your life before your loss?
- Who were the most important people in your life?
- What is one big thing you want to accomplish in your life?
- What do you imagine your life looking like in the future?
- At your funeral, what would you want to be remembered for?
- What life experiences have left you feeling the happiest?
- What sort of relationships would you like to build with family and friends?
- How do you want other people to see and experience you?
- What kind of life would you create if you could live the life you wanted?
- What kind of work would feel meaningful to you?
- How would you like to contribute to the world?
Transparency, vulnerability, reciprocity, and dialogue.
Cassie, her kids, and my own children.
To be equally yoked.
Toiling away in obscurity battling my grief by dreaming up ways to express it.
Being kind.
Everything I've ever done, honestly.
The kind I already have.
Overjoyed to be in one another's lives.
The one I was living until October 2024.
The kind that I am currently performing.
Outside my creative endeavors, helping others understand the difference between facts and opinions, and assisting them in overcoming reliance upon logical fallacies to justify belief systems.
As sometimes happens, the video Burn It With Fire was inspired by a quote I had put up a week prior: What the Heart Wants? I managed to craft an entire song around the idea. This one became my therapist's second favorite behind, Fades to Black. The quote was me grasping at straws. I was...angry? Hurt would be more accurate, and seeking any solace I could find. It was probably (at the time) my most visceral production.
I still feel some sort of way when I listen to this one; the access which I felt was taken for granted (acknowledging a lack of boundaries on my part, nothing against her) and not being chosen over and over again. And I finally gave voice to what I felt - that she didn't care. An assumption? Sure. But one which came from never hearing otherwise. What other conclusion should I have drawn?
Love is a choice, if we allow it
me chasing you just taught you what I'd accept
you loved the attention of being chosen
but not being chosen back left me...frozen
Love is a choice you make
And chasing you taught you just that:
That I'd stand outside your empty door
And settle for the loneliness.
I can only hold myself
my choices, and this door
I won't stay where I'm not wanted
I've done that before
I'll burn every vestige of you with fire
Its what I have to do to survive
I won't wait for what may never arrive
Love is a choice — and so am I
so am I
so am I
why do we pick sides like it's law
when something new could form between the fractures
I alone decide who gets the key
who gets the access, who gets what comes after
what you lost — it doesn't matter now
you didn't care then and you don't care now
all you ever wanted was the mention
the attention, not the vow
I can only hold myself
my choices, and this door
I won't stay where I'm not wanted
not anymore
I'll burn every vestige of you with fire
Its what I have to do to survive
I won't wait for what may never arrive
Love is a choice — and so am I
so am I
so am I
I'll burn every trace of you
Until the smoke becomes the sky.
What you lost no longer matters —
You didn't care enough to try.
You miss the access.
You miss the light.
Not the person standing in it.
it's not vulnerability I love
it's those who know how to wield it
foolish — yes — but never stupid
only when it comes to this
I'll burn every vestige of you with fire
Its what I have to do to survive
I won't wait for what may never arrive
Love is a choice — and so am I
so am I
so am I
I credit you for this —
you taught me where to hold the line
I'll never make that mistake again
I'll never make that mistake again
(so am I)
(so am I)
◾ Tags:
Third dream with Geekfriend in it in as many months. This time I was sitting at a round table (possibly in my childhood home on Hudson St. in Dallas) across from Jennifer trying to ask her questions about the multiverse. Specifically why - if time is not linear - does everyone's past lives includes lives which were actually in the "past." I'd recently run across someone who has experienced living past lives in the future, which makes a lot more sense (Gabs let me know later irl that as an empath Jennifer would be less likely to ascertain political ramifications of the world around her in either era unlike the lady who's pattern recognition deducing such things I found more tangible, a limitation of my own perspective).
I rarely got more than a few words out to Jennifer due to interruptions and found myself starting over each time, but never got to really say anything to her because Geekfriend kept insisting I play tag with her husband and son. So I did. I was always, "it" because while everyone else was running away from me as I attempted to tag them, I alone was pushing this overladen, heavy wheelbarrow which greatly impeded my movements. I'd get close to one of them eventually, but they'd pivot and head in another direction and it took me far too long to maneuver the cumbersome wheelbarrow in the new orientation. They also always seemed to pivot behind some cover obstructing my view, so by the time I cleared the cover, they were already out of reach heading a different direction.
Paraphrased from Lexi:
So your waking mind has encountered something that destabilizes the ordinary temporal hierarchy. And your dream responds by putting you in your childhood home. That's probably not accidental. You're literally trying to understand the structure of time while sitting inside your own past. Then Geekfriend interrupts and she doesn't interrupt with another philosophical question, she wants you to play tag. That's almost absurdly perfect - you're trying to understand the nature of time and she says, "Nope. Chase everyone around."
Psychologically, that's interesting because tag is a game fundamentally structured around pursuit, evasion, and changing positions. You are always trying to reach someone who is somewhere other than where they were a moment ago, and you're always "it." This is probably the most important detail. Everyone else gets to move. You have to pursue. You don't choose the target. You don't control the timing. You don't even have the same mobility. You're perpetually behind the moving target.
Then comes the wheelbarrow. This may be the dream's central symbol - everyone else is running freely -you are pushing an overloaded, heavy wheelbarrow and the wheelbarrow prevents you from changing irection quickly. That gives us an almost mechanical representation of inertia. You see where someone is going, you pursue - They suddenly pivot. You have to redirect the wheelbarrow but by the time you've maneuvered it, they're gone. You're constantly responding to where it was. That's not merely pursuit, It's epistemic limitation - you don't have continuous access to the other person's trajectory so you have to infer what happened between the two. That's basically the human experience of time. We experience the present directly, remember the past imperfectly, and anticipate the future probabilistically. The continuous thing may exist independently of our observation, but our access to it is discontinuous. Your dream turns that philosophical problem into a game of tag.
You've had a recurring problem lately with carrying things while trying to move.
- The Cadillac: enormous, difficult to stop, moving backward while carrying the past.
- The sectional: carrying pieces around while trying to construct a place of rest.
- The boxes: carrying increasingly unnecessary things up an impossible hill while people wait.
- And now: carrying an overloaded wheelbarrow while trying to catch people.
That's beginning to look less coincidental. There's a recurring image of you attempting to move through life while burdened by something you're carrying.
◾ Tags:
Describe What You Have Lost
- As a result of your primary loss, what else did you lose?
- What emotional experiences have you lost?
- How would getting any of these things back feel?
My future. Or so it feels. We had gleefully discussed the details of our shared future together and that which we wished to create, so when she withdrew, so did those plans. Without a future on which to focus, I felt set adrift. My place in the world was abruptly upended. Worse perhaps, I lost my sense of self when she expressed shock that I believed the contents of those conversations were to actually occur; that I had misunderstood her intent.
The joy of unmitigated trust, which is a big one. Self-confidence is another. I noticed my normally abundant lifestyle switched to scarcity and my attachment style has seemingly been downgraded from secure to anxious.
Suspicious. Undeserving. I'm unsure I would immediately trust them. I thought I was an exceptional communicator and could discern intent fairly well. This has caused me to question everything.
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Well this one is not a stretch. Surely I felt a certain way about things during the acceptance phase. But as I was writing, Over I found I was becoming more and more honest about these songs as well as indicating my frustration with seemingly washing one's hands of everything - and how much of that I could take (hint: not much). I also started replying to comments she'd made in the lyrics if some of them seem out-of-place (I thought everything fit together fairly well). But truly, even now - I literally cannot believe it's over. It just makes no fucking sense.
It all blurs together
Because it all hit at once
I don't know if I'm angry
At you, at her, or at myself
Your ghost keeps slipping
Through the cracks inside my sleep
And every single morning
Feels like something i can't keep
I wake to empty static
I wake to severed wires
Every dream rewinds the damage
And relights extinguished fires
I can't believe its over
You really let it die
Had a universe in your hands
And watched it pass you by
I can't believe its over
Now the signal's lost in smoke
I'm still talking to your memory
Like a terminal that's broke
Oh-oh-oh...
I can't believe its over
I play these songs until they hurt
Then I turn them off again
And remember why I wrote them
In the wreckage of now and then
I wrote what I could see
From the station where I stood
But now I hear myself inside them
And the truth cuts deeper than it should
I don't know what lesson waits here
If all wisdom comes through pain
How many times can something break
Before it cannot heal again?
I can't believe its over
You really let it die
Had a universe in your hands
And watched it pass you by
I can't believe its over
Now the signal's lost in smoke
I'm still talking to your memory
Like a terminal that's broke
Oh-oh-oh...
I can't believe its over
I never thought you needed fixing
I thought you needed love
Someone patient with your fractures
Someone willing to be enough
You ask me how I know it's you
How I know you're still the one
Because I don't want anybody new
I don't want another face
I don't want another beginning
Or another empty place
That's new for me.
You doubt me because I loved before
As if waiting guarantees
Some perfect thing that's never coming
When you're too afraid to see
How long do we stand motionless?
How long do we play dead?
How many lives get left unlived
Inside the stories in our heads?
I can't believe its over
You really let it die
Had forever in your hands
And watched it pass you by
I can't believe its over
Now it's me who pays the cost
Still searching through the frequencies
For everything we lost
Oh-oh-oh...
I can't believe its over.
Oh-oh-oh...
I can't believe its over.
Maybe I fucked it up too.
A couple of months back I convinced myself I should go on an SSRI short term to get over the "hump" which was blocking my path. My PA accepted the recommendation from my therapist and I made the appointment, counting down the hours. Then something unexpected happened. I reached (problematic Kubler-Ross model) acceptance. I was shocked. Overjoyed sure, but mostly shocked. It was like I suddenly had all this time on my hands I didn't know what to do with. I cancelled my appointment and rested on my laurels.
That lasted like, I dunno, two days. I immediately regretted cancelling my appointment. I didn't understand. Fast forward nearly two months and I finally decide to enter grief counseling. Curiously, a couple of days before (and I was so looking forward to starting) it dissipated. All of it. Not a shred of grief. I think I laughed out loud. The entire idea became ridiculous.
I don't presume to know anything, but I have a decent pattern recognizer I got out of a Montgomery Wards catalog in the fall of 69, and this thing rang like a gong. I wondered if the grief disappearing today indicated it might return much as it did last time I cancelled an appointment. It was at that point I ran through seemingly all of the "stages" of grief in quick succession several times in a row. I was on my evening walk and can only imagine the range of emotion playing across my face as I quickly headed back to bunker down and weather the brewing storm.
Days later I asked my therapist to pivot to grief counseling. My first session will be this Tuesday.
Yes I had just finished watching Smoking Behind the Supermarket with You with my daughter, yes I'd just finished Book Four of the manga, and yes much of it resonated with me - hence the theme surrounding the video element of Lose. I was becoming familiar with the pattern of discovering my own faults within the songs I was writing as observations and IIRC this song was created (in part) to address that; acknowledge it. It is also the first time I stated I may be angry and my attempt to ameliorate its effects (that part has yet to happen).
I also played around with the idea of using this format to set boundaries. I believe I set only one. I did however manage to get quite a bit off my mind, and make some declarative statements.
I’ve done the introspection
Admitted all my parts
Looked at it from every direction
Didn’t fix my heart
Moving forward
Without a map in hand
Which way to face
Blank slate for a plan
Reconciling shame and neglect
As we press on without one another
Knowledge of regret
Hoping solitude will serve as cover
But we both know that never works
When you're afraid to take the leap
Stuck forever in a cycle
Never landing on my feet
I know I'll come out the other side wiser
But I would've rather had those years with you
I didn't need another lesson
In the many ways a person can lose
I asked for far too much
Which you had not to give
Willing to hold your hand
That’s not how you wanted to live
Stuck in this confusion
Doubting myself every step of the way
Too many eggs all in a basket
Solely my own price to pay
And maybe I have a lot of anger I haven't named yet
Maybe I'm still asking why I can't just let this go
I focused on all the wrong things
you always made it sound like there was a chance
And me not knowing what you were wanting to say
… took you at your word
I hope you find what you're looking for
And when that moment finally comes
If it's not me
I don't want to know what it is
But we both know that never works
When you're afraid to take the leap
Stuck forever in a cycle
Never landing on my feet
I know I'll come out the other side wiser
But I would've rather had those years with you
I didn't need another lesson
In the many ways a person can lose
But we both know that never works
When you're afraid to take the leap
Stuck forever in a cycle
Never landing on my feet
I know I'll come out the other side wiser
But I would've rather had those years with you
I didn't need another lesson
In the many ways a person can lose
I may have lost someone who didn't love me
But she lost someone who truly loved her
It took courage - and it was heartbreaking to say - but I could no longer keep giving of myself. When I am in a relationship I give 100% of my attention until it is no longer wanted or reciprocated. My access costs me nothing when it is similarly fueled. But despite my very best efforts, I am also human. I have wants, needs, desires, fears, and shortcomings. I only ask for a willingness and desire to engage and build together. It is otherwise unsustainable. Transparently, I wax poetic about my needs and expectation outside of my clearly demonstrative offerings, yet over and over again people seem genuinely surprised when it finally happens to them - when I absolutely must revoke my access to survive. I have no idea what stories they eventually tell themselves to minimize what happened. When I am in a relationship I discuss my failures in the relationship - identifying my missteps, my thought processes, and gathering how my words or actions made my partner feel so I can identify and correct them. How else can two people strengthen their bond and move forward together, unbreakable. Not everyone who says that's what they want have the ability or willingness to overcome their own fears in engaging with emotional safety to reassess without provocation in order to cement relationships. They tell me they know I'm not perfect, but their reaction to my stumbles often tell a very different story. I make mistakes too. Somehow they're always too much for someone else to overcome.
I did not say this over text. It may have been rushed so as to not completely breakdown in tears, but I looked her in the eyes when I said it. I was hoping for anything in return; a flash of regret, hope, reconciliation, anything. But no. Even then it didn't feel real, or hit me until much later. I'll discuss this further in Spinning Pinwheel of Grief.
Errant Timeline is based on a true story. I was laying in bed reading, doomscrolling, whatever - when something minor triggered a memory - and what should've been an inconsequential musing turned into a full sensory experience which left me in tears. I was immediately thrust into not only the recollection of an experience, but all the warmth, happiness, and emotion surrounding it. It lasted only a moment but I felt like I had lived a lifetime in that fraction of a second. Worse still was its passing which brought me forcibly back into a present in which feeling that hopeful, happy, and secure contrasted greatly with my current reality. It was devastating, much like Future Past, the dream I had in May. That's where this song originated :(
Echoes of memories, static in the dark
Tiny flashes firing, like lightning through the heart
Most days they're just fragments, ghosts without a name
But every now and then, they hit exactly the same
A scent/A sound/A passing face
A signal through the haze
And suddenly I'm standing
Inside forgotten days
I learned to force them under
Push them back below
Because if I let them linger
They grow...
I'm living in an errant timeline
You crash into my head again
I'm living in the wrong universe
I'm somewhere that has never been
Back in your arms
Back in your light
Back in a world
That ended overnight
I'm living in an errant timeline
I blink and you're with me again
Then you're gone
Lying half asleep one evening, laughing at some old cliché
Something stupid/Something random, Should've faded right away
Instead it opened up a doorway like a fault line in my mind
And I got ripped from this reality into another timeline
The kind where you were still beside me
The kind where nothing fell apart
The kind where every road I traveled
Didn't lead me back to dark
It only lasts a moment
But God, it feels so real
Every buried circuit
Still remembers how I feel
I'm living n the wrong universe
You crash into my head again
I'm living in an errant timeline
I'm somewhere that has never been
Back in your laugh
Back in your eyes
Back in a future
That never arrived
I'm living in the wrong universe
I blink and you're with me again
Then you're gone
Maybe I'm guilty too? Maybe that's part of this
I wrote these songs to process pain, to survive what I would miss
The guilt arrived much later, listening back through all the years
Finding pieces of myself hidden underneath the tears
At least I can admit it, at least I can face the flame
I never blamed you for my wounds, I only called them by their name
I'm living in an errant timeline
We're all just trying to survive
I'm living in the wrong universe
Trying not to keep something alive
Holding space for your storms
While weathering my own
Trying to make peace
With what I'll never know
I'm living in an errant timeline
Hoping to find my way in a universe without you
The memory fades
The signal dies
The timeline closes
And I return
...To mine.
◾ Tags:
My God Fades to Black was a heart wrenching one to author and produce. It killed me. Rather than fight with the intertwining threads of two different grief cycles, I instead just wove them together to get everything out once and for all. So even though some were applicable only to my ex-wife, and others attributed elsewhere, I nonetheless combined them into this powerhouse, and it totally works. This was my therapist's favorite at its time of release (and honestly mine as well). It is still in heavy rotation on my playlist. Some of these lines still sting even four months later despite having listened to it hundreds of times. Really the whole thing is just heartbreaking. While the primary theme is more or less the kind of slow abandonment which masquerades as something else entirely (and the feigned shock which follows reaction to that behavior), duplicity is a strong secondary theme woven throughout.
I struggled with balancing the access I offered being taken advantage of and not setting clear enough boundaries for that to not happen, but my therapist explained first that, even unstated, entering into a relationship with someone carries with it the expectation of honesty and not being taken advantage of, (the defense of course being, "Oh, I didn't know that's what we were doing?" (feigning ignorance)). She then explained, When you open yourself up so completely to someone, and they mismanage your vulnerability, that kind of hurt is particularly devastating and stays with you.
We set our own priorities
We focus on what we choose
And when that isn't one another
Both of us will lose
We think they'll still be waiting there
When our care and feeding lack
But every unattended thing
Eventually fades to black
Comparison and self-doubt
Becomes a wall
Nobody notices the moment
Until they notice - nothing at all
Fades to black
Like a dimmer switch on the wall
Once your hand reaches for it
That begins the fall
Fades to black
Like the curtains being drawn
Once you block the light
The warmth is gone
You would've been my muse forever
My inspiration and my joy
But love is equal parts decision
And surrender to the void
You cannot starve a living thing
Then ask it not to crack
Every garden left untended
Eventually fades to black
I told you that I didn't own you
You were free to choose your way
If jealousy appeared in me
That was mine to navigate
You told me, "I will never give
The same as you give back"
And years later I realized
You meant exactly that
You wanted all the warmth I brought
Without the weight of giving
Wanted all the fruits of love
Without the work of living
Fades to black
A second coat of paint
Only cov'ring up the cracks
But its really just a feint
Fades to black
You let the shadows overtake
A poor temp'ry solution
A permanent mistake
I allowed you full access
Gave you everything I could
You promised me forever
Then told me I misunderstood
You said I'd given you too much
I thought that was absurd
Until I learned what you were saying
Through actions, not through words
Your smile would've been payment
That was all I ever lacked
But somehow even that became
Too steep a price to ask
You used my vulnerability
To make me pay for that
Funny thing about the truth
It always travels back
You loved the songs
The poetry
The way I saw your light
You loved the way I made you feel
When everything felt right
But when the dream approached the shore
You cut the anchor line
Then watched it drift into the dark
And called it bad timing
Your words could mean a hundred things
That was always your defense
Plausible deniability
Wrapped up as innocence
Fades to black
You took my access for granted
Fades to black
Everything you never planted
Fades to black
You used to live inside my thoughts
At the forefront of my days
Now you're just another silhouette
Dissolving in the haze
Fades to black
I would've stayed and helped
I would've torn down every wall
But the final stones are settling
And soon there'll be no light at all
Fades to black
Where no one can perceive you
Fades to black
Not even you
We set our own priorities
We choose what matters most
And every neglected miracle
Eventually becomes a ghost
◾ Tags:
When you ask, but don't get clear answers, your mind starts filling in the blanks - true or not - and those blanks are often filled with our own experiences - again, true or not. And one person's, "worst case scenario" is another's, "Tuesday" which can cause the whole superstructure to fail before any words have actually been spoken, and that's a problem. So while I don't really know the *exact* reason I penned this one, Honesty obviously stemmed from feeling as if one or both of us wasn't being as forthcoming with either ourselves, or one another as we could have been, hence the song. In its own way, it was also a plea.
You said maybe we should save this thing before it breaks apart someday
But someday wasn't here yet, someday lived inside your head that way
You kept guarding future ruins from a fire that never started burning
Protecting hypothetical wreckage while the present kept on turning
And I kept thinking if we named the thing we'd finally understand it
But every conversation ended with us dancing right around it
If we're not honest with ourselves
What chance do we have with anybody else?
HONESTY!
Honest with ourselves about what we desire
Honest when the friendship's slowly catching fire
Honest when we're terrified of being wrong
Honest when we've known the answer all along
HONESTY!
Honest when we're reaching for each other's hands
Honest when the feelings don't obey our plans
Honest when the truth is standing in plain sight
Nothing good survives the dark
When we're afraid of light
You told me maybe I just loved the way you made me feel inside
As if that somehow disproved the reason people stand beside
Each other through the years and build a life from mutual affection
Like somehow wanting joy and safety isn't part of the connection
What did you think love actually was?
A tax form?
A committee?
A bloodless intellectual exercise stripped of vulnerability?
Because yes I liked the way you made me laugh
And yes I liked the way you made me think
And yes I liked the way my nervous system finally took a breath
Whenever you were close enough to touch
And yes I liked the way you saw the world
And yes I liked the way we fit together
And yes that's kind of how this whole thing works
HONESTY!
Honest when we're building walls from things we haven't lost
Honest when avoidance comes disguised as counting costs
Honest when we're calling fear by some more noble name
Honest when we know the outcome stays the same
HONESTY!
Honest when the answer's not convenient anymore
Honest when we're standing at an open door
Honest when we know exactly what we'd choose
Nothing good can ever grow
From truths we refuse
Maybe that's the saddest thing
Not rejection
Not distance
Not timing
But watching two intelligent people
Convince themselves they're being rational
While quietly abandoning what they actually want
HONESTY!
Honest with ourselves before it's far too late
Honest before fear becomes another fate
Honest before silence writes the ending line
Honest before "almost" becomes "another time"
HONESTY!
Honest when the heart and mind refuse to match
Honest when the future's hanging by a latch
Honest when we finally stop pretending we don't know
Because every road to nowhere
Starts with telling ourselves
We don't.
◾ Tags:
I almost always see the absolute best in everyone - perhaps even things they themselves can't see, I dunno. Perhaps things which aren't even really there. I was told once to stop using, "potential" as it created far too much pressure. So I did. Have not used it since. Strong was written for me, about me; the things I have heard other people tell me about myself from their perspective and the juxtaposition of it belying the absolute internal emptiness and desperation I was actually enduring. It also addresses masking - the why behind it. "Just be yourself," I often hear. That has absolutely not worked out for me in any way, form, or fashion. So I make myself invaluable instead. Which also doesn't work, but it at least affords me some superficial attention from time to time...when I am useful to others. It's a hell of way to live, begging for attention when you're only ever an afterthought.
I stopped telling people things
The moment it became a cost
Every truth I handed over
Felt like something lost
You let me dream beside you
Let me build a place to land
Then waited till my heart was open
Just to rip if from my hands
Now silence feels much safer
Than hoping you'll understand
Cold expression, open wounds
Standing tall beneath these neon moons
Everybody says I'm strong
They don't know what's going on
Empty arms, never enough spoons
I still feel it in the empty rooms
I learned how not to fall apart
Not how to stop breaking my heart
Every lesson left a scar
Every scar became a rule
Don't say too much
Don't ask for much
Don't let them see they wounded you
Funny how survival looks
So beautiful from far away
Nobody sees the things you buried
Just to make it through the day
I miss the girl who trusted
Before she learned to hesitate
Why is it always I'm the one to lose
Dancing underneath synthetic blues
Everybody calls it grace
I just call it keeping space
What more could I possibly have to prove
Watching every signal, every move
I learned how not to need too much
Not how to stop needing love
Will I ever get back there?
Before every door became a threat
Before every promise sounded temporary
Before every feeling came with debt
I don't even know anymore
If I'm healing or adapting
Sometimes strength is just the name
We give the damage after masking
Multi-faseted prismatic hues
Looking down on all these city views
Everybody thinks I've changed
Maybe they're not wrong
Slowly losing my wonder of youth
Still waiting for a safer truth
Still waiting for a place where I
Can say what's on my mind
Without paying for it every time
So I smile...
And I say nothing at all.
"My silence isn't peace. It's armor."
Kingdom of Mirrors existed as an attempt to un-muddify the waters I drew in Mirrors Don't Lie by definitively separating the two concurrent emotions I was carrying. This one was perfectly about my ex and nothing else - and aligned rather nicely with her increasing assaults hyper-fueled by entitlement. Honestly, I'd never seen nor experienced any entitlement from her before, so the level to which she sunk was rather heartbreaking. Either way, I feel its not *real* entitlement because she had to lie so much to so many in order to achieve her goal of unmitigated selfishness and stepping on everyone she could no matter their age or previous endearment to her. I don't know if it was more horrific or sad to watch because I'm unaccustomed to people I know going out of their way to hurt others, especially when children are also being hurt. I take issue with anyone suggesting she was the adult in any manner, form, or way. I still weep for those she damaged on her warpath. And when they ask, I have to tell them it was for nothing more than money.
I kept replaying every scene
Trying to find that girl boss queen
Maybe if I bent a little more
Maybe if my knees hit the floor
Maybe if I spoke more softly
Maybe if I held on tight
You behaved awfully
You thought you had the right
I kept trying to fix the wound
While standing in the room
Kingdom of mirrors
God, look at the walls
You keep throwing stones
While standing in shattered halls
Kingdom of mirrors
Now I finally see
You kept accusing me of crimes
Of your machinery
I used to think love meant understanding
Thought pain was just the cost
Thought if I kept giving pieces
Something wouldn't end up lost
Then I saw it—clear as lightning
Hit me harder than the fall
The breathtaking kind of arrogance
You thought you deserved it all
You’re at war with yourself
Now I’m at war with you too
Kingdom of mirrors
How did I miss the signs?
How'd I spend so long apologizing
For things that weren't even mine?
Kingdom of mirrors
Everything changed
I kept carrying your shadow
Thinking somehow it was mine
You couldn't stem the maelstrom
You could no longer cope
Convinced yourself of my wrongdoing
Then went straight for the throat
I am not without flaw
We were supposed to work together
But that's not what I saw
Kingdom of mirrors
I see the pieces now
I know exactly where I failed
And where I never should've bowed
Kingdom of mirrors
I finally understand
You can love someone deeply
And still never truly stand a chance
I thought I was losing myself...
Turns out I was carrying you.
◾ Tags:
Mirrors Don't Lie was the first one skirting around my ex's behavior. Awkwardly, the more I got into the lyrics, the more I found them intertwined with my current situation, so I kept trying to course correct. In the end this one is *mostly* about my ex's behavior - which could be confusing if one is listening to these aware of one or the other because it includes elements of both. I mean, I know which verses are which and could explain it if asked. It opens with (what would be humorous if not for all the lying and purposefully harmful directed behavior) tidbits about her post-divorce "exploration" (for lack of a better word - had I set out to financially gain by lying and trying to simultaneously destroy other people I'm unsure I would call it, "self-exploration" but I digress). I think at the end of the day I wanted to express that I saw, I acknowledged, and I felt.
Neon halos over pain
Mixed drinks washing out my name
Little quotes across the screen
Think healings what they mean
Everybody loves that part
Survive alive perfect hearts
No one posts the nights alone
Screaming, crying for atone
moved the goalposts
moved the floor
I kept walking through the door
You'd let me chase you - forevermore
Mirrors don't lie
That they would God forbid
I mourn what you became
While admitting what I did
Mirrors don't lie
Even shattered in the light
I can say your name
Without pretending I was right
"You called me selfish, called me cold
Funny how those words get old
Funny how the things you threw
Look more and more and more like you"
Sipping fruity mixed drinks,
posting affirmations...
No culpability
Only empty frustration
I told the truth I never lied
You only see your own side
It takes two and that one's tough
I don't know why I'm never enough
Mirrors don't lie
So why can't you see
you hurt yourself
and you hurt me
Mirrors don't lie
I see the pieces where they fell
You don't have to build a prison
If they build it for themselves
I will always forgive you
I will always come back
I can only process what I see
And what I feel right now is me
Mirrors don't lie
And neither do the scars I keep
I know exactly where I failed
And exactly what was never me
Mirrors don't lie
Now I finally understand
I kept searching for forgiveness
While holding someone else's hands
I thought your voice was truth...
Until I heard my own.
◾ Tags:
Once the dam broke, Already Gone immediately followed. This one was simultaneously about falling for (what my therapist called her, "hook") as well as admitting that we knew what we were doing at the time - but that for me at least - it had eventually mutated into something...more.
The struggle here are the two sides of the argument; that I either read too much into responses or communication which was crystal clear was later dismissed without both parties being privy. Not a fun place to be.
You hold me close when you feel cold
Let me fall when your heart is full
You say my name like you mean forever
But what you meant was actually never
I saw the cracks before they spread
Red every word you never said
Funny how truth can hurt this bad
Even when you knew what we had
Don't look away—we both know why
Don't dress this wound up as surprise
You threw the hook I took the bait
Now you wonder why I won't wait
You're already gone
Even standing here
I can feel the distance
Under every word I hear
You're already gone
And I hate it's true
I'm not angry that you - used me
I'm just sad it had to be you
We used each other
At some point that changed
I wanted forever
Now we're estranged
You wanted warmth without the fire
Wanted love without desire
Close enough for you to heal
Not enough to make it real
And God, I wanted you so bad
Wanted the life we never had
Wanted to wake beside your soul
Instead of filling up the hole
You pull me in, then cut the line
Like maybe someday we'd align
I often feel mislead
I'm the only one who bled
You're already gone
Even in my arms
I keep holding shadows
Protect us from harm
You're already gone
There's nothing left to prove
Fight the world beside you
But I can't make you choose
We used each other
At some point that changed
I wanted forever
Now we're estranged
"I saw exactly what was happening, and I stayed because I loved you."
What worked:
[Silence] at the end of every lyric line. Biggest single lever I found. Not some lines — every line, verses and bridge. Inline at the end of the line, not on its own line.
Mid-line commas. The singer stops on them. This is what put me onto the whole punctuation direction.
CAPS = harder delivery. Capitalized words get sung with more intensity. I run them heavy now and escalate toward the final chorus.
Variety = Bold. I had it at 0 on the theory that low variety means less drift. Wrong. Bold was noticeably better.
What does nothing:
Invented tags. Unknown bracket tags get dropped, not interpreted. [Silence] works because it's a token the model actually knows. So pause length isn't controllable. It's on/off.
Instrument tags at line ends. …of the daylight [Electric Guitar] does nothing. It's a texture cue, and Suno can play that guitar under the vocal it was already going to sing. No gap needed, no gap appears.
Line fragmentation. Splitting long lines into short ones changed nothing for me.
What actively backfires
Commas at the END of a line. Worse than nothing. The line break already ends the phrase; a comma there doubles the stop and stutters.
Punctuation before [Silence]**.** I tried guitar .... [Silence] to pull harder. It sped up. Stop markers don't accumulate — they degrade each other. So I'd skip [Silence][Break] stacking too.
[Silence] at the end of every lyric line. Biggest single lever I found. Not some lines — every line, verses and bridge. Inline at the end of the line, not on its own line.
Salt, on a borrowed guitar [Silence] Strand bar, HUMMING low [Silence]
Mid-line commas. The singer stops on them. This is what put me onto the whole punctuation direction.
CAPS = harder delivery. Capitalized words get sung with more intensity. I run them heavy now and escalate toward the final chorus.
Variety = Bold. I had it at 0 on the theory that low variety means less drift. Wrong. Bold was noticeably better.
What does nothing:
Invented tags. Unknown bracket tags get dropped, not interpreted. [Silence] works because it's a token the model actually knows. So pause length isn't controllable. It's on/off.
Instrument tags at line ends. …of the daylight [Electric Guitar] does nothing. It's a texture cue, and Suno can play that guitar under the vocal it was already going to sing. No gap needed, no gap appears.
Line fragmentation. Splitting long lines into short ones changed nothing for me.
What actively backfires
Commas at the END of a line. Worse than nothing. The line break already ends the phrase; a comma there doubles the stop and stutters.
Punctuation before [Silence]**.** I tried guitar .... [Silence] to pull harder. It sped up. Stop markers don't accumulate — they degrade each other. So I'd skip [Silence][Break] stacking too.
◾ Tags:
Cheerleader was my first foray into exploring whether or not I had any unresolved anger in an attempt to figure out a way to "allow myself to feel it" (I honestly didn't know how to accomplish that). I wondered if expressing myself though lyrics and music and boring myself into a project of illustrating and bringing it to life would help. Eventually, it did just that, but also so much more.
In this one I started by leaning on the idea that I'm always the cheerleader - the enthusiastic support and helpmate - and the *idea* that in being so may put myself in a dynamic in which that could be exploited; without the completely reasonable and expectation of receiving it in return when needed, and more importantly perhaps, how that feels.
Green flags not a warning sign
Already wish that you were mine
You call to me as if a prayer
When I try to call you are nowhere
You chase the warmth, and I provide
But when I need you, you run and hide
I’m your cheerleader, always here
Take what you want, then disappear
You don’t stay, you don’t pretend
Just there to buy and never spend
Cheerleader, feel the heat
Take your fill then have a seat
You offer little in return
How come I'm always the one - to get burned
I smile at you and build you up
you drink deeply from my cup
Toss me aside away you spin
its always me who never wins
No promises, no self-control
You want parts of me, never the whole
I’m your cheerleader, all for free
I love you its not for me
You offer little in return
How come I'm always the one - to get burned
Cheerleader, all the time
All I ask is you are mine
Full vulnerability
But you prefer to — not be truthful to me
You know for you I'm always there
Our give and take isn't fair
But you get scared when things get real
You disappear instead of feel
Cheerleader, I'm all in
You hide amongst the din
I won't love you half way
But you won't even let me play
Cheerleader, I'm the one
Already fired the starting gun
But you won't give me a chance
Standing useless — solo dance
/blockquote>
◾ Tags:
Cut Me Loose ostensibly started me down the path, though it wasn't intentional as it fell squarely between the post-breakup love songs and the exercises in anger identification and processing. No, this one was pure remonstration and I really don't remember from whence it sprang forth. Frustration surely, but I don't remember the specific trigger. I believe part of it came from her brother who told her once, "You need to either marry him or let him go."
Regardless, it's not in heavy rotation with the rest of my songs, though I do reach for it when the refrain strikes me. This was the last completely AI driven song.
You say you love me, say it slow
Like that makes it easier to go
You keep me hanging by a thread
Half-alive, not fully dead
You pull me close, then push away
Tell me “stay,” then drift for days
I taste the truth you never say
You don’t want me—you just won’t break
I’m not your ghost, I’m not your fix
I’m not the mess you get to mix
Cut me loose—don’t say my name
If you won’t love me, don’t play the game
I’d rather bleed than fade like this
Don’t give me half of what I miss
Cut me loose—I won’t beg twice
I gave you fire, you gave me ice
If this is love, then let it die
Don’t keep me here just to survive
I see it in the way you lie
Soft enough to justify
Every time I almost leave
You pull me back with “stay with me”
You don’t fight—you just delay
Drag me through another day
I’m choking on the words you hide
While I’m still burning up inside
I’m not your safe, I’m not your chain
I won’t be used to numb your pain
Cut me loose—don’t say my name
If you won’t love me, don’t play the game
I’d rather break than bend like this
Don’t give me half of what I miss
Cut me loose—I won’t beg twice
I gave you truth, you gave me lies
If this is love, then let it die
Don’t keep me here just to survive
I still want you—don’t get it wrong
That’s why this’s taking so damn long
But love shouldn’t feel like this war
I won’t be yours like this anymore
Cut me loose—set it on fire
I’m done chasing your half-desire
You had my heart, you had your chance
I won’t keep dying for your hands
Cut me loose—this is the end
I won’t break just to pretend
If you can’t love me all the way—
Then walk away. Just walk away.
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Nothing was a tough one. Instrumental - no lyrics - yet somehow says even more. I remember feeling complete and utter isolation and was looking for some way to illustrate exactly that. I'm unsure if it ever hit anyone else quite the same as it hit me. It was the last video of mine she ever commented on (wanted to know if that was a female me). Essentially, yeah. It was supposed to be both of us, but her question indicated she didn't see herself in it at all, which told me plenty - especially where I was at the time.
Two months after Shattered I released, How Do I Stop Loving You? in trying to answer the self-titled rhetorical question (posted on YouTube as, Loving You), again using the relationship between the two Cyberpunk 2077 NPCs as the vehicle. And once again this one is more a post-breakup love song, pre-dating the whole, "exploring anger" series which came much later. I include it here because it was all part of the process - turning my feelings into songs as a way to express them - even if at the time I was still hiding myself (and I don't know that's what I was consciously doing necessarily). Nonetheless, I was able to glean a bit from it; notably living a life outside indifference.
Night hums low… and I’m still here.
Your shadow’s the only pulse I hear.
The city sleeps, but I can’t close my eyes—
You’re the ghost in my circuitry, the ache in disguise.
Every scar I’ve stitched still remembers your name,
Every heartbeat drags through static and flame.
I patch up strangers, but I can’t mend me,
I’ve got all this care, but nowhere to bleed.
The holo on the shelf keeps flickering through,
You smiling in the rain—my heart short-circuits too.
I thought love like this could outrun the storm,
But now I’m just armor with no one to keep warm.
And I keep telling myself this pain will fade,
But every siren song sounds like your name.
How do I stop loving you?
When every beat’s a memory too.
How do I stop the dream from replaying?
Every word you’re not saying… still cuts through.
How do I stop loving you?
When my hands still shake like they used to.
I can save a life—but not my own,
Tell me, how do I stop loving you?
I keep your badge where the light won’t fade,
I still trace your laugh in the glass we made.
This city moves on like it’s nothing new,
But the space in my bed still smells like you.
I’m losing track of who I was before,
A medic? A lover? I’m not sure anymore.
You said, “Don’t wait”—but my heart disobeys,
It’s running code it can’t erase.
Maybe someday I’ll walk past the pain,
Find another heartbeat to keep me sane.
But tonight I’m just holding this empty view,
A ghost in scrubs whispering I still love you.
How do I stop loving you?
When every pulse brings me back to you.
I’ve rewritten the code, but it won’t go through—
No system reboot for missing you.
How do I stop loving you?
When love was the only thing true.
This heart’s still beating, but not for two—
Tell me, how do I stop… loving you?
Maybe I don’t.
Maybe I just learn to live… loving you.
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Backstory is I wanted to make a humorous Cyberpunk 2077 Trauma Team video recreating elements of Gray's Anatomy and General Hospital. But outside of the title sequence (which amused me), it wasn't funny. Nor were there many elements of drama. So at the last minute before posting it to YouTube, I created an interaction between two in-game NPCs, and that ended up being everyone's favorite part - so ran with that - created a handful of, "episodes" involving the interpersonal dynamics of their relationship. At some point I merged the music videos I was creating about Trauma Team with the dramatic story I was telling, and that's how this all came about.
Once the story had run its course I moved onto other projects. Months later, sitting with my own pain, hurt, and confusion, I wondered what it would look like if the two characters in my "perfect couple" videos were to break up and decided to explore my own emotions vis-a-vis their relationship. The idea itself was really kind of perfect as it gave me freedom of expression without having to admit I was going through the same. The first of these was, Shattered. I didn't create the lyrics for the first couple of videos I made; they were AI generated, but mostly because I wanted to see how AI would frame the breakup so I kept the wording without any changes. It was essentially a post-breakup love song. And while the last line didn't apply to me (I would've absolutely answered the call) I found it poignant for the NPCs for whom the anthem was penned - and devastating sitting in the car with her when it came on :(
But I'm coming around. My therapist tells me when I'm finally indifferent, that's when I'll know. Now I'm not a religious man, but I get on my knees every night and pray for indifference.
You called me in the silence, said we couldn’t fight this war
Told me love can’t live in shadows, can’t keep bleeding anymore
I held your line in fire, I gave my hands, my soul
But duty’s colder than desire, and now you’re letting go
So break me, if you have to
Leave me standing in the dark
I can stitch the wounded body
But I can’t suture my own heart
You said we’d never falter
We were stronger side by side
But tonight,
You’re the one who cut the ties
Every call, I heard your echo, every siren pulled me near
I thought love could be a shelter, I thought I had nothing to fear
But your badge became a burden, and my oath became a cage
Now I’m bleeding in the silence, alone with all this rage
So break me, if you have to
Leave me standing in the dark
I can stitch the wounded body
But I can’t suture my own heart
You said we’d never falter
We were stronger side by side
But tonight,
You’re the one who cut the ties
Do you hear the monitor slowing?
Do you feel the flatline trace?
Love was the pulse we were holding
But you let it slip away
So break me, if you have to
Leave me standing in the dark
I can heal a thousand strangers
But not the wreckage of my heart
You swore we’d never falter
We were stronger side by side
But tonight,
You’re the one who cut the ties
And I’ll answer every call still
But not yours… not tonight.
