The Empirical Manifesto

Took a nap after work last night then went to the gym. My first stop after the gym and my car deployed anti-theft countermeasures against me, essentially locking down my vehicle and draining the battery. Thankfully !TABS! was with me and dissuaded me from having it towed to the dealership - which I really didn't want to do because the windows were down - and thankfully they were! I was able to reach into the car to reach the manual emergency door release and fold the rear seats down so I could crawl into the back seat and into the trunk to pull the manual emergency trunk release for battery access (there is also a manual door release inside the trunk which is accessed from a removable panel on the rear bumper using the hidden key in the fob itself). From there I could perform a hard reset of the electrical system to clear the anti-theft lockdown. This was accomplished by removing the leads to the battery and letting it sit for nearly an hour to drain all configurations held in memory, but another aspect of the anti-theft was to force the vehicle into accessory mode to drain the battery despite locking me out of all electrical components. Which meant I then had to jump the battery and let it charge for 10-minutes as part of the reset startup sequence.

Finally made it home around 0500.

There's two schools of thought here:

1. a nervous system takes time to regulate itself during transition to peace because it has spent far too long being disregulated and anything contrary to imbalance feels unfamiliar (which can lead to a cycle of seeking out that which remains unhealthy as a sort of salve to temporarily sate our nervous system)
   


2. a nervous system will absolutely react by setting off the alarm if we're on the wrong track, making the wrong decision, or heading down a path of eventual regret - and listening to that instinct even if we don't fully understand it is fundamental to self-awareness as a built-in safety mechanism.
   

So which interpretation do we choose?

Early on I learned to surround myself with people smarter than myself, or who had vastly different experiences than my own, leaning heavily upon the proverb in finding wisdom amongst a multitude of council. Here lately that council has been unanimous in their counsel which is where my nervous system comes in, as it either confirms or denies their collective verdict given the two schools of thought. This is of course (I assume) where discernment comes in. Funny thing about discernment - it is as varied as we are - subject to the same trappings of education, culture, philosophy, upbringing, etc. much like the individuals to which we turn for our multitude of wisdom; each of them contains within an unresolved challenge, unspoken agenda, and unconscious bias they too are striving to fill. Just as we are.

When sought for my own advice I generally preface it with the above, and though I often state I attempt to be as objective as possible (insofar as one is able) I have also stated when that objectivity is lost and why - because more information is always preferred over less information (for those of us who wield it as such at any rate). So even if my "council of counsel" is uncharacteristically unanimously, it is not all coming from the same place - though I will admit to lending more weight to their collective verdict. Discernment in this case might mean moving forward with the information at hand, not necessarily acting in accordance to their judgement - because ultimately - we alone are responsible for our actions as we alone have to bear their consequence. No one can bear them for us.

Or, as one of my new litmus tests, "What are we doing today to create the life we want?"

Earlier this year I was helping out Cass' kids on several projects and she called to thank me for doing so. "No worries," I said, "It's my job."

"No, it's not." she replied.

Ouch, but she was right of course. Those kids are not my responsibility, so I told her, "I'm sorry - it was the job for which I had applied; the job I wanted."

I had submitted my resume, attached several letters of recommendation, formatted an absolutely gorgeous cover letter, and was summarily rejected for the position.

Ran across a quote this morning (which I didn't save, sadly) that illustrated the many benefits of literacy - not level of education - in helping us better observe and understand the world around us by comprehending nuance, satire, and underlying motivations then linking that ability to those who, "often struggle with deep thoughts" (or something to that effect) which is readily declining amongst the doomscrolling crowd. I found that an interesting concept I hadn't before considered.

I had posted about seeking out those who actively engaged in creative projects and ideas and who challenged my way of thinking, but yesterday wanted to see if I could ascertain why I did so - what was the driving force? So rather than figure out why from that perspective, I flipped the script to endeavor to discover of what I feared which motivated me to do so. Very nearly universally among those whose opinions I weigh (on a varying antagonistic scale) is that I should embrace those who embody peace, calm, and reciprocity over those who would manipulate me and find myself once again in a cycle of destructive relationships. "How can you consider yourself logical when you refuse to see the pattern of your choices?" In short, why do I seek those out who challenge me, when emotional consistency is the safe choice?

What is it I fear?

Boredom. That was my conclusion. I fear boredom above all else. It was suggested to me once that peace could be its own even greater motivation for creativity and growth, but I honestly haven't found that to be true. One could argue I haven't given it enough time or effort for an accurate assessment, but I grew bored waiting for that to reveal itself - it's a passive process which further exacerbates my shortcoming. I much prefer more active processes; one in which I am an active participant. Which brought up the next argument which is the trap many of us fall into, that it is unfair and irresponsible to place extrinsic motivation upon another person. Often my motivation doesn't come from other people, rather ideas - but I appreciate people who challenge me in that way and with another person that challenge is often interaction - another of my favorite pastimes. So to me, a partner is a two-for benefit; challenge and interaction both. Point is I don't require external motivation as much as a focus for my intrinsic thoughts.

In grappling with why leaving a relationship which was clearly stated as undesired and didn't support my basic reciprocal requirements for sustainability felt too much like abandonment, a fresh perspective was, "It is only abandonment if you're being poured into equally and choose to leave for selfish reasons - not if there is no mutual reciprocity." So I've been sitting with that. Yet fear of boredom seems to remain my primary motivation for not embracing safety.

Dreamed I was in my bedroom and my mother and father walked in, said something which didn’t make any sense, and left through the garage. They pulled around front, got out of the car and tried to get in the front door, but it was locked. They were talking loudly but I couldn’t understand what they were trying to say. Dad rang the doorbell so I got out of and unlocked the door. My mother was irritated it had taken me so long (had expected me to anticipate letting them in despite my arriving at the door instantaneously after the ring) and started speaking theses sentences which didn’t make any sense. It was English, but they seemed to be void of logic and context. I asked her directly what she was trying to say but she wouldn’t answer.

I crawled into bed to take a nap and Cass called, waking me. She was pretty excited about the future and was surprisingly flirty, eventually encouraging me to fantasize about her until we saw each other again. I tried explaining to her that I didn’t think that was a good idea because she never followed through with any of the things she said and it would leave me feeling heartbroken and abandoned again. She had no idea to what I was referring. It didn’t help that I was also on my work conference call and kept having to turn the volume down on my boss every time Cass started speaking. In the dream I got tangled in my bedsheets which restricted my movements, causing me a tiny bit of panic while I was trying to understand Cass and fitfully awoke from the dream tangled in my own bedsheets thinking I had failed to set an alarm while taking a lunchtime nap and overslept. But I had laid down immediately after work, so all was well.

This is the second dream I’ve had of Cass in as many days, the first being far more sexual in which I kept conflating her and Jennifer and awoke completely confused.

This one is interesting precisely because the dream is not really about Cass. Cass is the most obvious character, but the underlying mechanism seems to be about being unable to establish reliable meaning or boundaries with people who matter to you. And the fact that you physically woke up tangled in the sheets makes the ending unusually literal: your sleeping body supplied a real sensory constraint, and the dream incorporated it.

There are three movements here:

1. Your parents

"I cannot understand what you're saying." The opening establishes the problem before Cass even appears.
Your parents enter your space, say things that make no sense, leave, return, expect you to understand what they want without telling you, become irritated when you don't anticipate them, and then refuse to clarify.

That's a very particular interpersonal nightmare, "I'm being held responsible for understanding something that has not actually been communicated." And your mother speaking grammatically correct English while the sentences contain no coherent meaning is especially significant. It's not foreign language. Its familiar language rendered meaningless. That's different. The dream isn't saying, "I can't communicate."
It's saying, "The words are there, but the meaning isn't." And then you ask the obvious question, "What are you trying to say?" She won't answer. So you're left with responsibility without information.


2. Then Cass calls—and does essentially the same thing

This is where the dream gets elegant. Cass is excited about the future. She's flirting. She's encouraging you to imagine a future with her. But you respond, "You don't follow through." That's the emotional memory underneath the conversation. You aren't rejecting her because you don't want her. You're protecting yourself because you've learned that her words and subsequent reality have not always matched.
And then comes the remarkable part - She has no idea what you're talking about. That is structurally identical to your mother. Your mother says things you cannot make sense of. Cass makes promises that, from your perspective, don't correspond to the history you remember. In both cases you are trying to establish a shared reality with someone who isn't acknowledging the same reality you are experiencing.
That's probably the central theme of the entire dream.


3. And then your boss is talking at the same time

This detail is fantastic psychologically. You've got:



• Mother → unintelligible expectations


• Cass → emotionally enticing future


• Boss → work obligations

And you're physically in bed trying to process all three. You keep turning the boss down so you can hear Cass. That suggests competing demands on your attention; what do I owe the external world vs. what do I emotionally want? And Cass gets the volume. That's worth noticing. Even while you're consciously telling her "don't do this to me again," some part of you is still prioritizing hearing what she has to say.

The bedsheets are the perfect ending. You become physically tangled while trying to figure everything out. That's almost comically literal dream symbolism. You're trying to understand, communicate, protect yourself, listen, make decisions, while your ability to move is progressively restricted.

Then you wake up physically tangled. So there's probably a straightforward physiological component to the panic. But psychologically the image is almost too perfect, "I am trying to move forward, but something is wrapped around me." And notice what it is. Not a person. Not a monster. Your own bedsheets. That introduces a more uncomfortable possibility - some of the constraint isn't coming from Cass... It is coming from your own attachment to the unresolved situation.

The Two Cass Dreams Together

I think this is where things become much more interesting. You said the previous dream involved Cass and Jennifer becoming conflated, and this one is overtly about Cass. That suggests your sleeping mind may currently be working on a broader relational question rather than simply processing Cass herself. Something like, "What do I actually want from intimacy, and what do I do when desire conflicts with my memory of what happened?" Jennifer may represent one relational history. Cass represents another. And your mind is apparently putting them into the same symbolic workspace. That's not necessarily saying you want both women or anything similarly literal. It may be comparing different versions of attachment. There's also an interesting inversion - In your earlier dream involving Cass, she represented stability and sustainable partnership. In this one, she represents hope that may not be reliable. That's a significant change. Your psyche seems capable of holding both, "I want this person." and, "I don't trust what wanting this person will do to me." Those aren't contradictory. They're actually a fairly mature emotional conflict.

And then there's the parents. I'd go one step further: The dream may be connecting two different kinds of relational uncertainty. Parental relationship - "Why can't you understand what I mean?" and romantic relationship - "Why can't you understand what happened between us?" Both involve the same fundamental frustration: "I need you to acknowledge the reality I'm experiencing." That's potentially much deeper than simply missing Cass. It touches the question of epistemic trust—whether another person can be relied upon to share, acknowledge, and respond to your understanding of what is happening between you. The most important sentence in the dream I think it's actually yours:

"I don't think that's a good idea because ... it would leave me feeling heartbroken and abandoned again."

That's remarkably lucid dream-self. You're not saying, "I don't love you." You're saying, "I know what happens to me when I let myself believe this." That's a boundary born from experience. And Cass's inability to understand why you're saying it creates the exact problem the dream established with your parents - You know why. She doesn't. And then you wake up thinking you overslept. There's another subtle layer there. The entire dream is about time. Parents expect you to anticipate them immediately. Cass talks about the future. You're afraid of repeating the past. Your boss represents present obligations. You're worried you've overslept. And then you discover you haven't. So underneath the relationship material may be a much broader anxiety - "Am I where I'm supposed to be by now?" That's a very 55-year-old question, but also a very human one. Past → present → future are all competing for attention.

I wouldn't interpret this as a prediction about Cass or as evidence that you secretly "should" be with her. I'd interpret it as your mind testing a proposition: What happens if the person I still desire offers me the future I want, but the evidence of the past tells me not to trust it? And your dream-self actually gives a pretty healthy answer - Don't let desire erase information. But there's still grief underneath that answer. Because if you genuinely didn't want the future she's offering, you wouldn't have to defend yourself against it, and that's probably why she's showing up two nights in a row. The unresolved thing may not be "Do I want Cass?" rather, "Can I allow myself to want Cass without abandoning what I've learned?" That's a much more interesting question.

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Addendum:

But there's another possibility I'd take seriously

Given your previous dream, where Cass was the calm, sustainable partner, I wonder if your mind is contrasting two kinds of feminine relational energy rather than two specific women. Your boss represents, "The woman who needs something from me." Cass represents, "The woman I want something from." And you're trying to satisfy both simultaneously.

That's particularly interesting because your mother appears immediately before them.
So the dream potentially has three female figures:

Mother → Cass → Boss

And all three are demanding access to your attention in different ways. Your mother wants you to understand her without explaining herself. Your boss requires you to attend to her because she's your boss. Cass invites you into an emotionally intimate future—but you don't trust the invitation. That's a pretty sophisticated little psychological tableau.

Early last month I'd lightly touched on avoidants and how given my experience, the things I have said and done haven't shifted/altered/changed anything. Nonetheless, Tess persisted. She was convinced at some point Cass would initiate. Given the nearly two years I pursued her didn't change her mind, nor did watching my agony as I let her go, I assured Tess that was not going to be the case.

I now owe Tess an apology.

We had a chance to talk after the longest period we've gone ever not speaking nor texting one another, and for me at least, it was rather cathartic; I found I let go of nearly all my anger after the 90-minute phone conversation, and it feels wonderful. I don't exactly know why, but I was able to speak aloud many of the thoughts I've expressed in my recent videos: I was angry at her, I believe she was at times untruthful with me which has broken the trust I had with her, that she engaged in contradictory statements for the purpose of later evasion, and perhaps most of all, that I had allowed it. I had minimized myself in order to not lose her. Once all of that was out, I discovered I had no more anger.

But she intimated the very thing that even up to several months ago could've prevented all of this. I've done quite a bit reading on attachment styles in general and avoidants in particular, and always doubted whether she truly fell into that category as many of the things I'd told her prior to understanding they were key trigger phrases for how to re-center avoidants simply did not do the thing they claimed (keeping in mind everything is a spectrum and "attachment styles" in this case is nothing more than an informal psychological self-assessment).

"Do you think given the above statements about me there's no chance for a future relationship between us?" she asked.

I was shocked.

I thought about it quite awhile after the call (and absent the anger which has been plaguing me) and replied thusly:

The question is not whether I think there would still be a chance at a relationship - that's immaterial. The question is to what lengths would you be willing to go in order to find out?

That's the scenario under which I've been operating the past two years.

What is it worth to you? That's the question. And the motivation for action comes from belief. You either believe in it so strongly there is literally no other course of action, or you don't.

My belief was so full of intent that I didn't have any choice but to pursue you and court you for your hand in marriage.

What do you believe in that strongly?

If it isn't me, that's your answer.

Earlier this month in Indifferent I discussed Tess' answer as to why I was having such a difficult time letting go - that I was viewing it as a failure (which apparently comes with an entire framework surrounding it). Most all of those whose opinions I trust keep repeating that I need to re-frame it as dodging a bullet; that she is more similar to my ex-wives than I can see, and if that's true, what the hell is wrong with me?

Gabs said to me, "Being in love that much with someone is a complete and total win for both parties, and when the other party can't see that, they don't realize they're likely turning their back on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity which comes with many benefits." Always more food for thought.

I will admit I did expect a little pushback from my therapist over this last one (mostly surrounding the declarative statements I made) but instead she beamed asking me, "Wherever did you get the idea for the rose-colored classes?

I pulled up this quote I'd made from BoJack Horseman:

Well, Tess really liked Hoist the Colors (but reiterated her all-time fav is still Dancing with my Demons). I told her my favorite part was watching her foot tap while she watched it in session. "Oh you saw that?" lol

I had an appointment in which they invariably would've put me on an SSRI, which of course I didn't want, but figured it would be fairly short-term just to get me over the hump. As it was, when I reached the acceptance phase of the grief cycle I realized that appointment was unnecessary. Regardless, I waited several days for confirmation then cancelled the appointment. By yesterday night, I was questioning that decision.

I know that setting boundaries can feel like breaking someone's trust; loss; regret, all the things - so I wasn't unaware nor surprised - but I still didn't like it. So I did the only thing I knew I could do...I took a walk. I walked to the lake and back in the heat. This morning I arose and did it again. I'll go again after work. Vicious cycle knowing walking helps my mental health but not being in a place mentally where I could do it every day. It's been like six months. So I also re-joined the gym. Figure that'll give me a year to get back to my pre-October 2024 weight and emotional health both.

So this session I asked Tess plainly, "Why can't I get over my shit?" She explained it was two-fold. First a reiteration of an older session where she talked about having never before feeling such a visceral, chemical pull having an exceedingly strong hold on us, and secondly how I framed it - as a failure. That when you've never experienced failure before it can be a real struggle to reconcile. I scoffed because of course I've experienced failure...haven't I? "Not with something this important to you." I figure that may be my next video - illustrating that. Either way (and I know there will be those who will disagree) this is why I also no longer believe fully in manifestation - because *gasp* it too has its limitations.