Old Wounds

[ehowton]

From Summer Valentino's post on Facebook:

Science shows the person that you are most desperate to be chosen by is not just someone that you want, they are someone your nervous system has been trying to heal through.

Research on attachment and repetition compulsion shows that the nervous system does not choose romantic partners randomly. It chooses people who activate the specific emotional environments of the original wound. Not to suffer it again, but to try to resolve it. To finally get the ending the nervous system never received. To be chosen by the person who represents the one who did not choose you. To be understood by the person who activates the same feeling as the one who never understood you.

The desperation is not about them specifically. It's about what they represent to a nervous system that has been carrying an unfinished story for a very long time.

Research on emotional memory shows that the nervous system stores unresolved relational experiences as open loops. Incomplete cycles looking for completion. And when it encounters someone who matches the emotional signature of that open loop, it orients toward them with an intensity that feels like destiny, like recognition, like this is the one, when what it actually is, is the nervous system saying, this is the pattern. This is the unfinished thing. This is where I have been trying to get to.

The problem is that the person who most activates the wound is rarely the person who is best equipped to heal it, because they are usually carrying a matching wound of their own, and two people trying to heal through each other without awareness of what they are doing produce not resolution, but repetition.

The intensity you feel toward the person is real. The pull is real. The recognition is real, but it is the recognition of the wound, not the arrival of the person who will finally fix it.

The healing does not come from finally being chosen by that person. It comes from understanding what that person represents and doing the work that makes the desperate quality of the need finally quiet down.

I was initially dismayed by this because I can see where that would describe my own longing and desire, but also because that isn't what anyone who is in love wants to hear; "It's not love, rather your nervous system trying to heal an old wound." Hrupmh! Some of those with whom I've shared the above were already familiar with the findings as they've done their own work already, so I sat and thought about it a bit. Like, I'm obviously not going to disagree with it (especially since it hit so close to home), but I did dig deeper into everything adjacent - my own findings - and even more recent interactions which likely support my perspective that works alongside it without the above being the sole point of view.

I'll start with some recent trips I've been on. Somehow they all remind me of New Mexico. All the roads seem familiar, and the longing to be there no matter what I'd be doing there or what would be going on in my life were I there (ok, I can suddenly see where this sounds supportive of the above but hear me out). I like who I am when I am there. I enjoy the role I step into while there. I miss having kids and supporting them in whatever way they may require. I'm good at it, and use the practice to learn more; better ways of handling things. I enjoy being demonstrative in the ways I am while there. That is not my nervous systems wanting to heal itself from an old wound.

Then I had an (admittedly short) exchange which activated something in me I've been missing; the thrill and joy of my preferred communication style: interrogation data exchange. I can sustain myself on regular-people communication indefinitely when required, but it is often less fulfilling. The previous time it happened was a random guy to whom I'd just been introduced a couple of years back. We recognized it in each other and slipped right into it for less than three minutes. When we'd finished, we both looked at the pair who'd introduced us and they were staring at us with mouths agape in incomprehension. Prior to that was New Mexico - one of the many things I enjoy about being there. That is not my nervous system wanting to heal itself from an old wound.

On and off during the last 15 years on this blog I've discussed how common interests alone a sustainable relationship do not make. It requires values alignment, trust, honesty, and a whole host of other related ideals. That said, common interests which can spurn increased interaction are absolutely desirable (for those of us who seek out such things). That, and I enjoy being challenged. When you are with someone who offers a seemingly bottomless well of these things, it is a joy. To me, that doesn't feel like a nervous systems wanting to heal itself from an old wound.