The Empirical Manifesto

I hope we both survive whatever is coming next.

"I won't be coming back."

It's actually pretty simple (not saying easy) to have a good, loyal, committed relationship with an avoidant person.

The only problem is that most people never get the chance to experience what an avoidant person looks like when they're understood.

Heres the thing, as long as the narrative of the relationship is, "We're partners. We're teammates. We're 2 people who care enough about each other to be honest, understanding, and accepting of our differences," avoidant people often make incredible partners.

Despite what most people believe due to the echo chamber of the internet and the highlighted painful experiences of people who don't actually understand. Avoidant people aren't actually afraid of connection, intimacy, or relationships at all. They just tend to not have the bandwidth both emotionally and mentally to withstand the consistent bombardment of nervous system dysregulation. Both theirs and other peoples.
In fact, if we're being completely honest, they're often confronting their fears before anyone else even attempts to do so.

What do I mean you ask? Well, think about it. An avoidant person's deepest fears usually revolve around losing themselves, becoming dependent, feeling controlled, feeling trapped, or having their freedom taken away.

Yet every time they choose to enter a relationship, they're voluntarily stepping into the exact environment where those fears could potentially become reality.
That isn't avoidance. That's courage.

The issue isn't connection......its what connection has historically cost them.
You see, many avoidant people learned very early in life that their needs came second. Their feelings came second. Their voice came second.

Eventually they stopped expecting support and became their own support system. Not because they wanted to, but because they had to adapt to the environment they were in.
They became their own cheerleader, protector, and safe place. After years of surviving that way, dependence doesn't feel comforting - It feels dangerous.

Not because they don't care or dont love. But because somewhere inside them, dependence became associated with vulnerability, and vulnerability became associated with pain.
If a relationship isn't constantly triggering fears of losing themselves, being controlled, or becoming emotionally responsible for someone else's stability, avoidant people can be some of the most accepting partners you'll ever meet.

They're often remarkably willing to accept people for exactly who they are....and yes, even when they walk away because acceptance doesn't mean staying.

Acceptance means acknowledging reality for what it is. "This is what it is."
The real problem isn't that avoidant people are impossible to love. It's that very few people fully understand where avoidant behavior comes from.

Most people never had to experience what they experienced. Most people never spent years feeling so emotionally alone that self-reliance became their entire identity, and because they don't understand it, they fight against it.

Not because they're bad people. But because it's not how they would respond which is where the disconnect begins.

You see, adult relationships require something most people never learn: Just because someone is different doesn't mean they're wrong.

We can't walk into relationships assuming everyone experiences life the way we do. We can't assume everyone interprets love the way we do, and we can't assume everyone regulates emotions the way we do.

If we want healthy relationships, we have to become students of human behavior. We have to understand psychology, emotional conditioning, and that people adapt differently to different life experiences.

At the end of the day, it's all patterns. Just like chronic rejection can create anxious attachment, chronic emotional aloneness can create avoidant attachment.
The difference is that one person learned to chase support, and the other learned to survive without it.

The parts almost nobody talks about: Neither person likes being told they're wrong.
Think about it. You don't want someone telling you that your feelings are wrong. Why would they? You believe you're showing up the best way you know how. Why wouldn't they believe the same thing?

Just because their strategy looks different?That's actually the entire reason the disconnect exists. Because while you're looking at them thinking, "What you're doing is making me uncomfortable," they're often looking at you thinking the exact same thing.
While you're convinced there's a problem because of how they're showing up...They're convinced there's a problem because of how you're showing up.

And neither person realizes they're often standing in the exact same place.
Both feeling misunderstood, uncomfortable, trying to protect themselves, and believing they're the one who's making the most sense.

The tragedy isn't that anxious and avoidant people are opposites. The tragedy is that they're often having the same emotional experience while speaking completely different emotional languages. And that's a tragedy, because neither person understands because our society hasn't made understanding important enough to do.

This post isn't to talk about how great avoidant people are. It's to talk about a disconnect, and for the ones who are willing to see that and wanting to make change, reach out, let's talk.

Until Next Time, MUCH LOVE

It's actually pretty simple (not saying easy) to have a good, loyal, committed relationship with an avoidant person.

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Found here.