Fades to Black

[ehowton]

My God Fades to Black was a heart wrenching one to author and produce. It killed me. Rather than fight with the intertwining threads of two different grief cycles, I instead just wove them together to get everything out once and for all. So even though some were applicable only to my ex-wife, and others attributed elsewhere, I nonetheless combined them into this powerhouse, and it totally works. This was my therapist's favorite at its time of release (and honestly mine as well). It is still in heavy rotation on my playlist. Some of these lines still sting even four months later despite having listened to it hundreds of times. Really the whole thing is just heartbreaking. While the primary theme is more or less the kind of slow abandonment which masquerades as something else entirely (and the feigned shock which follows reaction to that behavior), duplicity is a strong secondary theme woven throughout.

I struggled with balancing the access I offered being taken advantage of and not setting clear enough boundaries for that to not happen, but my therapist explained first that, even unstated, entering into a relationship with someone carries with it the expectation of honesty and not being taken advantage of, (the defense of course being, "Oh, I didn't know that's what we were doing?" (feigning ignorance)). She then explained, When you open yourself up so completely to someone, and they mismanage your vulnerability, that kind of hurt is particularly devastating and stays with you.

We set our own priorities
We focus on what we choose
And when that isn't one another
Both of us will lose

We think they'll still be waiting there
When our care and feeding lack
But every unattended thing
Eventually fades to black

Comparison and self-doubt
Becomes a wall
Nobody notices the moment
Until they notice - nothing at all

Fades to black
Like a dimmer switch on the wall
Once your hand reaches for it
That begins the fall

Fades to black
Like the curtains being drawn
Once you block the light
The warmth is gone

You would've been my muse forever
My inspiration and my joy
But love is equal parts decision
And surrender to the void

You cannot starve a living thing
Then ask it not to crack
Every garden left untended

Eventually fades to black

I told you that I didn't own you
You were free to choose your way
If jealousy appeared in me
That was mine to navigate

You told me, "I will never give
The same as you give back"
And years later I realized

You meant exactly that

You wanted all the warmth I brought
Without the weight of giving
Wanted all the fruits of love
Without the work of living

Fades to black
A second coat of paint
Only cov'ring up the cracks
But its really just a feint

Fades to black
You let the shadows overtake
A poor temp'ry solution
A permanent mistake

I allowed you full access
Gave you everything I could
You promised me forever
Then told me I misunderstood

You said I'd given you too much
I thought that was absurd
Until I learned what you were saying

Through actions, not through words

Your smile would've been payment
That was all I ever lacked
But somehow even that became
Too steep a price to ask
You used my vulnerability
To make me pay for that
Funny thing about the truth

It always travels back

You loved the songs
The poetry
The way I saw your light
You loved the way I made you feel
When everything felt right
But when the dream approached the shore
You cut the anchor line
Then watched it drift into the dark

And called it bad timing

Your words could mean a hundred things
That was always your defense
Plausible deniability
Wrapped up as innocence

Fades to black
You took my access for granted

Fades to black
Everything you never planted

Fades to black
You used to live inside my thoughts
At the forefront of my days
Now you're just another silhouette
Dissolving in the haze

Fades to black
I would've stayed and helped
I would've torn down every wall
But the final stones are settling
And soon there'll be no light at all

Fades to black
Where no one can perceive you

Fades to black

Not even you

We set our own priorities
We choose what matters most
And every neglected miracle
Eventually becomes a ghost