When we fuck up, we apologize. Sometimes that apology is accepted, but that's not always the case. We wonder if the offended party maybe doesn't have as much grace as we'd hoped, or perhaps they're not as close of friends as we'd hoped or assumed. But is that really accurate? Depending on either the severity of our fuck up, or their interpretation of it - perhaps even in offending or damaging something in them in which we're not even aware - all plays a part. For example, the fuck up most certainly broke trust at some level, and our apology doesn't repair that trust, nor does it remove the aftereffects of our transgression. Both those things take time, and understanding. And let's be honest, most misunderstandings are simply a breech of unstated expectation - so who's responsible in that case? Both parties. One for admitting the unstated expectation, and the other admitting their actions weren't in alignment with it - not as an excuse, but for the purposes of mutual understanding. This is where flexibility comes in. If we have an all-or-nothing zero-sum attitude about dynamics, we'll likely find ourselves unfulfilled (and confused about why we're always unfulfilled) in all aspects of life. If however we go about mutual understanding in the spirit of collaboration and cooperation as opposed to one-upmanship, or winning, the benefits will be magnified, not diminished. Those who are hell-bent on the win, will absolutely lose something much greater long-term, and most likely eventually, themselves.

Let's say we're trying to adhere to a pre-set agreement. There's this little thing which occurs naturally with being exposed to a new, repeatable process as we experience it; I call it, "life" and if we're not willing or able to acknowledge its existence in dynamics, there's no point in going further. Admitting it exists however can be a wonderful thing as it allows us to modify and adjust our expectations and limits for variances. In short, for everyone involved in the process to allow for flexibility as it arises, and arise it will, so being forewarned is forearmed! A lot of the issues which occur surrounding changes in agreement is becoming combative at them because they're seen as limiting, when in fact, from just a single perspective outside our own, we may find them more freeing if we can embrace them within the spirit they are offered. In this vein we should always start out amenable to these adjustments and embrace change. After all, it is inevitable.

We all experience struggles in our life, and yes, some things can get to the point of being overwhelming. Guess what? We alone are still responsible for our behavior - no one else. In fact it would be ridiculous to even suggest responsibility could fall to someone else - yet in many disagreements, this is seen as an acceptable deviation from our normal behavior, making our words or actions inadmissible as offensive. It doesn't matter if we were high, drunk, or angry, the Devil did not in fact make us do it. Yet from the same people who refuse to play victim and will wholeheartedly accept responsibility for their actions, we still hear them attempt to place blame upon some mysterious extrinsic force when faced with the consequence of their behavior. And while likely true, invoking it will chip away at the trust required for honest conversation. After all, if we're unable to reign-in our own behavior in extradorinaiy circumstances, how is our apology meant to be taken seriously when the dotted-line conclusion is that it will happen again (and again) each time that specific set of criteria is met? Why would we expect to be taken seriously? Would we allow ourselves to be treated as we have treated others under the same circumstances more than once were the situation reversed? Probably not; we'd choose to protect ourselves, and our peace. That's easy enough to understand is it not?

Yes we all have off days, but what to people see when we're having one? Our actions, attitude, and behavior. I honestly don't want a relationship with anyone who is calm, collected and a joy to be around only on their good days. Fuck that. True character is only ever revealed under duress. I want to see behavior when they're overwhelmed. Angry. Hurt. That's where we'll find truth. All relationships can be boiled down to some semblance of risk vs. reward, and no one else can influence how much of either we should or should not subject ourselves to - without the need of an explanation. If we truly want people to respect us without fully understanding our every motivation, hidden or otherwise, we need to give them the same level of respect. How we choose to do so will be different for everyone, but a lot of that which is visible will be riding on the choices we make, and again, we are solely responsible for those as well - even ones which may unwittingly place us in a situation where life does become overwhelming, and our only recourse out will be our actions, attitudes, and behaviors toward both ourselves, and others.

I apologize if I'm making this sound fun, or easy - it's not. But only by diligently practicing it can we make it work. And let's go ahead and place a buffer in for failure, because we're going to do that too. Awkwardly, we can't use our failure as an excuse, lest we become the very thing we despise. Forgive others as we would have them forgive us, but also hold ourselves to the standard we expect others to hold themselves.

When I was a college student, my roommate took one look at me one morning and said, "I need to introduce you to coffee." I grew up in a household where neither of my parents drank it. He brings into our efficiency kitchen, boils some water, adds a teaspoon of instant coffee, some sugar, and some Coffee-Mate creamer. He handed me the cup and life came into me in a way I had not previously experienced. He explained inexpensive coffee could be made negated by the quality of the creamer, and warned me to never cheap out on creamer. I was reborn that day, and became a fully qualified coffee drinker from that point forward.

I spent six years in tactical intelligence before being assigned to a strategic command, which broke me. I discovered I'm not very good with that; it bored me not having short-suspense mission directive in which to accomplish. This is also where I started drinking black coffee, and why.

The laid-back, lackadaisical attitude of the buttoned-up strategic intelligence crowd just wasn't fueled the same either as it turned out. They made what I called at the time, "married man" coffee. It was tepid...and weak, just like those who drank it. Getting tf out of strategic intelligence was the primary reason I left the United States Air Force. My talents would be better served elsewhere. Either way, relocation back to the states after nearly a decade overseas came with other challenges which vexed me during this transitory period, which as it would turn out, also concerned coffee. You see, my household goods had not yet arrived, and it had easily been a month without my coffee maker. Of all my friends, only one had a coffee maker at home, but did not have cream nor sugar, so I was forced to swallow the bitter, burning liquid raw and unadulterated. Black coffee assaulted all of my senses in an unfamiliar and unpleasant way. But at work, adding cream and sugar to the already diluted slightly coffee-flavored tea water they made was worse. Like drinking hot sweet cream, and not the good kind of cream - no, the kind purchased in bulk from retailers who lacked imagination and vibrancy in spirit both. Disappointing was an understatement. They say doing anything for 30-days is the key to change. Apparently, drinking black coffee is no different. By the time my household goods arrived, my excitement to make a strong cup of coffee adorned with quality powered creamer and sugar hit differently. I was sad of course; grieving what had sustained me for so long a time. But necessity is the mother of invention, and I've since embraced the dark side. The bitter. The nuance of flavors and regions which would otherwise be eradicated by the introduction of that which would dilute it.

I've been drinking my coffee black ever since.

Tess and I spent an hour just talking about our respective week (and she told me her favorite salsa and favorite chips). But I did mention she needed to find me someone to date like Lindsey, her intern, to which she replied, "OMG why, that girl's a mess." Well, there's something I now know. I tried to explain that Tess was in the perfect position to play matchmaker for me - she knows my unique strengths and that which I seek in a partner. But she did pin me down on Lindsey; "What was it about Lindsey that you want to date someone like her?"

"Well, she challenged me right away - opened me up to things I had not considered. And she's beautiful."

"She's certainly that."

Nebraska didn't play out as I would've preferred, and by the time I got back home I'd been away a bit. Finally got the motherboard in transit for its RMA, then Gabs and I sat and drank for a bit and everything started looking up once again. Jennifer came out for the weekend and we did some seriously active chilling - introduced her to Bridgerton and we watched the D&D movie. I logged into the Minecraft server running on the UNRAID box to play with Parker one evening and we discovered someone (at some point - it'd been running for months in a background Docker) had joined the server and changed all of Parker's many signs to read, "USE A WHITELIST TO PREVENT RANDOS FROM JOINING." So I did that. White-hat griefer lol.

At some point I came up with a great idea for my next project but am finding the complexity challenging. As a reminder, I'm not actually a producer, I only play one on YouTube. Add to this sting of not having my primary desktop and I'm working of my backup and tertiary boxes; the linux with the RTX3070 in it, and the MacBook Pro, which thankfully still frees up the M2 Mini for everything else because I assume it would suck as an AI-generation tool anyway.

Speaking of, AI has no idea what a "slouch hat" is (nor did I know the proper name until after a little research) so yes, I created an entire model just so could render it on my characters for my newest video (it's a documentary). I've never done a documentary before, and there's a lot of moving parts. Have been working on it just under a week so far, and I'm at about three minutes.

My gym membership expired while I was in Nebraska and I haven't yet renewed it. Work vacillates between super-busy and super-dead at any given moment, my boss is out this week, and I've been going to bed (but not falling asleep) early every night this week. At least my dreams are keeping me entertained! Just wish I could remember them when I awake.