2025 - First Session

[ehowton]

As the experiment unfolds, I am still seeking that emotional attachment. When pointed out that I am saying and doing things that would reveal an already present emotional attachment, I respond those are just things - merely words and behaviors which can be said and acted out without true feelings behind them (though that's not what it feels like according to Jennifer - more on that later). My therapist reminded me we act following our thoughts - from which emotion is derived - and wonders if I am conflating emotion with physiology. Yes. Yes, I am because it is what I also so desperately desire. Which brought us back to infatuation again. Thinking about it, she actually baited me into telling her that relationships built upon practicing the pillars of intimacy were far stronger, more sustainable, and more fulfilling than those based upon a random physiological response. She looked decidedly smug when I proved her point without her having say a word. Hrumph! Jennifer proposed I may already be emotionally attached and simply hadn't acknowledged it. Tess found that idea delightful and furthered stirred the pot by asking if I was simply afraid to acknowledge it to keep myself from being hurt.

When she asked Jennifer what she thought my deal was, Jennifer replied, "Choice." That I had yet to choose. Convieniently, Jennifer had to leave after dropping that mic, so Tess asks me, "Have you?" I admitted I had not - but only because it wasn't as simple as making one. God knows I've tried. To spare myself the cursing and gnashing of teeth; the needless bloodshed. "I'm not a lightswitch," I retorted.
"And we both know choosing in matters of emotional connections are more difficult," Tess replied. Much later, on the phone, Jennifer took exception to my articulation of her view and corrected me, "I didn't say it wasn't difficult, I simply pointed out it doesn't have to be." Once again, she was correct. I was reminded of that quote attributed to Buddha who stated, "Only the resistance to change is painful."

I'm surrounded by smartasses.

Then Cass called and we chatted for two and half hours. The kind of conversations we used to have. There was no oddness or weirdness or pressure or anything remotely heavy intermixed through our conversation (though I do recall being flirty once - but only because it was super funny). The whole thing was efforless and hearkened back to the days we first explored our new friendship. Two and a half hours of conversation we haven't had in quite a long time; reminiscent of how things used to be. We both sounded far more at ease at the end, with the lightness of how we first came to be upon our lips when we finally hung up.

And then I wept. Finally. But it looked nothing like I had expected. Rather than tears of grief from loss, for the first time in my life, I cried tears of joy. Happiness for reconnecting with the friendship I'd lost with Cass when I fell in love with her, and it was wonderful. Not the sobs I thought I wanted, but the tears I was surprised I needed. I felt rejuvinated; lighthearted...Hopeful.

I wonder what changes this might bring in my life moving forward?