ehowton ◾ 2024 - Nineteenth Session (Reply)

I started with the whole "dating other people" and why specifically that is such an absolute shit show for me specifically. In a word, my demisexuality. While it's true that I first became infatuated with Cass after experiencing her personality, it was in equal parts the yoga pants she wore around the house that week. Or, to quote Cass herself directly, "You're such a guy." Yes, yes I am. A simple man, with simple needs. Either way, once I became emotionally and intellectually connected to her, she became as beautiful, and as desiring as my wife. Until my wife severed that connection. Now Cass is the stars and the moon and nothing in this 'verse could keep me from her. Except, as it may turn out, herself. Because I do not have an emotional nor intellectual connection with other women, it is impossible for me to consider them as potential partners. They simply cannot - and never will - hold a candle to Cass. I don't even, "see" them. Yet [online] dating requires I chose an overtly binary interest based solely upon a photograph. A fucking picture. Of a woman. And that's supposed to be how I - of all people - choose who to date outside of Cass. I dare say anyone who knows me understands how fucking ridiculous that is. While Tess didn't verbally say, "Calm down," by explaining once again those sites are for the majority who don't fall outside the two standard deviations, I imagine she was biting her tongue. So no, I am not - cannot - date while I remain in love with Cass. And I know Cass understands that about me. Thought that was one of the things she loved about me. Let's move forward with more things I thought...

Cass had me ask:

Could you discuss with Tess how we could have conversations that wouldn't drive you being connection bound to me, but could still be worth while conversations? Or maybe that's impossible for us.

First of all, I know to believe people when they tell you who they are. I also know love can blind you. And I have struggled to feel...valued. Not valued by the unwashed masses with their inane, pedestrian opinions, rather valued by those with whom I admire, trust, respect, and share a connection. So yeah, ouch. Tess was less gentle. While Geekfriend and Dorian see my relationship with Cass as something I've created entirely in my head while a disinterested Cass sits idly on the sidelines, Tess does not, and having sat in session with the both of us, has a better understanding of what is going on. In short, self-sabotage; something Cass has been reading up on. Nonetheless, the thing we feared may have been happening - at least according to Tess - is happening. Whether intentionally or not, Cass is leading me on, and to make matters worse, I am allowing it through my own lack of boundaries.

Knowing that I am given to certain passive-aggressive tendencies, I was regaling to Tess the first time Cass noticed it in me - I had told Cass that with the circumstances surrounding my leaving New Mexico, I would not return until invited back. Tess, perhaps a little dumbstruck at my lack of situational awareness, explained that was the healthiest boundary she'd heard me set yet, and that Cass' reaction of pointing out it as passive-aggressive was the only thing passive-aggressive in the exchange. Pretty sure I wouldn't have seen that myself. Tess further explained that narcissists are so effective because they keep their partners off-balance. And while Cass is not a narcissist, her pattern of throwing up obstacles and pushing me away every time things become too comfortable or easy was in essence throwing me off-balance. Which is probably why the Avoidant videos resonated with me so strongly. What I want and what I need are apparently two different things, as is what Cass wants and what Cass needs. Tess went back to the fantasy versus reality, with the admittance my reality was often far more engaging for me than my fantasy, again pointing out the whole "outside the two standard deviations" thing. But here's where it gets super difficult...

Dorian often told me I was slowing Cass' growth by not allowing her to overcome challenges on her own - that I was acting as her crutch. Obviously that's not something I would ever purposely do. So we did what we always do, and discussed it. Here's the thing - I love her. That surely means something different to me than it does to her, but she seems unwilling to discover how that manifests itself. And because I love her, and want her to heal and grow and become herself - and because she has said over and over and over she does not know what she wants - I need to believe her. My lack of boundaries is keeping her from discovering what it is she wants.

And that's going to be the hardest part. She's so much a part of my life, I find it difficult to imagine life without her; cannot imagine it without her. Yet if I truly love her as much as I claim, my actions must reflect that. I was looking forward to talking to her today after work as I had two questions for her:

Do you want me to not let you push me away when you self-sabotage? Do you want me to stand by you when you do so, so I am there when your cycle ends? Or do you genuinely want me to let you push me away for good?

And

If I moved to New Mexico to date you, can a part of that dating still be going to church with you and girls every Sunday?

Yet we never got a chance to connect on the phone. I don't even know if those are appropriate questions to ask at this point, because it sounds like if she's going to be interested in pursuing a relationship at all, I'll need to stop pursuing her. I've beer chasing her for so long I don't even know what that would look like. Guess I'll wait and see if I'm worth pursuing while I attempt to sever our emotional connection so I can move forward per her request. While I don't ever see us not being the closest of friends, it will no doubt look very different in this new guise and I will admit to being curious how rekindling an emotional connection would look if she does indeed choose to eventually follow-through with that. I'm not entirely sure such a thing is possible Star Trek: Voyager S2E22, "Unforgettable".

According to Tess, the anger I felt the other day (for lack of a better word), comes from my closely tying together physical and emotional intimacy, both of which I have been starved for far too long, and it is beginning to manifest itself. I don't see that changing anytime soon.