Metamorphosis

[ehowton]

I am currently existing in the liminal spaces between consciousness and that tingling feeling you get prior to a fever coming on; near tears all day from an overwhelming feeling of gratitude from all the good things in my life I've either unconsciously taken for granted and an overwhelming desire to experience that gratitude in some practical, physical-world way far outside the hypothetical. I give so much of myself to so many so often that every once in a while I too would like to experience being taken care of. I don't require much. Some attention, maybe every so often. Laying naked in bed discussing possibilities to put into action just to see if they work. Discussing not just agendas and people and things, but ideas; ideals; ideology. Perhaps even to be held as tightly as I hold others, or even a modicum of reassurance compared to the flood of reassurance I provide. I dunno. Maybe I'm just whiney today.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not made of money (especially after that eye-opening divorce; fun fact - the court system doesn't actually care if you lie out your ass about absolutely everything as long as there is no paper trail suggesting otherwise, a fact of which she was apparently aware 10-years ago). The alternator set me back $1200 and I had to sign a waiver to drive back home because the rear tires were that bad. I stopped by the dealership here in town to get a quote and that particular size (the Performance Coupe has offset tires) is no longer made (not to mention they're three months out to getting a set on). I drove immediately to Walmart where all the Z-rated tires were either Summer weather only, 0-mile warranty, or both. Only two "all-weather" tires (with warranty) one of which I wouldn't put on a go-kart, and the other set me back another $800 but can be completed this week (though I will have to be there at the ungodly hour of 0900).

Saw Tess today. I wasn't sure we were going to get a chance to go over everything in an hour, but we did. She Started with Oklahoma ("Hi Jennifer!") but was mostly interested in my non-hypothetical thoughts on dating someone half my age plus seven. I found that considerably more difficult than writing hypothetically (which, looking back, I'm guessing Tess figured that might be the case). Tess knew I was in that liminal space, so I don't know if she was taking advantage of that, or not, but she "pushed" until she got me to say the words. And that was difficult for me given my last post on the subject (which she hadn't at that point yet read). Tess is one of the few people who knows how exceedingly high my expectations for a romantic relationship truly are, was beyond thrilled someone's daughter could be equally as extraordinary as their mother, and let me know I was beyond any reasonable doubt worthy of such no matter any difference in age. She also (seemingly) understood why I would never make that approach of my own accord (whether or not she agreed with my reasons we didn't get into - again, it was a busy session).

Either way, I am done chasing. I've never declaratively made that statement before, and perhaps that is what has placed me in this liminal state. If so, I hope it starts a metamorphosis I can neither see, nor comprehend, because I am done. A couple of months ago I realized I'm not nearly as goddamn special as I sometimes think I am, and my life over the last year is irrefutable proof of that.

It's time to do something different.