Scroll of Questing

[ehowton]

Loss has unsurprisingly been at the forefront of my mind since my session with Tess. Like grief (or perhaps due to it) the emotions (or lack thereof) surrounding it may or may not come in waves, or manifest themselves in different ways under different circumstances. Or hide themselves behind otherwise innocuous triggers; mask themselves as something entirely unrelated. It helps to be aware of the insidiousness nature of these things and not immediately jump to any conclusions as so many of those around us do time and again (while simultaneously wondering why they're such a hot mess). Don't get me wrong , some are aware. They simply cannot or will not put in the requisite work either because they feel they don't have to, or have already mastered it and are ready to tackle the next objective. Those individuals are aware of the concepts surrounding healing and growth, but feel once it has been, "mastered" (which is an illusion) it doesn't need to be constantly practiced. This is their downfall. My downfall. I generally fall into the habit of assuming I've identified the offending thoughts/behaviors, done the work to conquer it, then catalog it and put it away assuming I've reached the next level of the game without having to keep that skill in my bag of holding to further hone it throughout the rest of the playthrough. Which of course is exactly how that actually works. Leaving it in your trunk's inventory back at camp is not the answer. In order for it to be useful we must find somewhere to equip it. Often there's not enough free slots before we become overburdened which often slows forward movement and restricts ability.

Loss often carries side-quest energy - at least for me. For reasons yet unknown I don't put in the same resources I would into a main quest - the kind which further propels the storyline. Being completely honest with myself it probably comes down to ego; I simply don't let it affect me the same way it affects others. I have a very different view of the world and acknowledge loss happens whether we wish it to or not. You don't have to manage items you refuse to add to your inventory. Only...I'm beginning to think maybe life doesn't necessarily work that way. Or, to put it another way, none of us are immune from its effects. Especially long term. Or perhaps in my case, when each iteration remains unintentionally unprocessed because we weren't aware of the necessity to do so, they stack. Like finding four unblemished gems you can magically transform into a single flawless one to place in your armor socket for unparalleled protection. Except in this use case I take multiples of otherwise easily manageable loss and ignore them long enough that once I get too many they magically transform into super-grief which renders all armor null and void just as I enter a boss battle I wasn't expecting. Yes, I rely upon that armor to protect me, and would have to change everything about my playstyle to just survive the encounter. A playstyle in which I am unaccustomed because I've never had to practice it.

Because I don't do blame or fault, I generally tend to let things go fairly easily. I don't let them eat at me. Live and let live and all that. I hold myself accountable for my circumstances, not others. I've found life to be far more manageable that way. And far more fulfilling. I am also highly adept at introspection, but introspection comes with its own pitfalls; self-deception. Even being aware it can hook its tendrils into our mapping doesn't negate its effects. I've often thought of it as a litmus test, but that alone isn't always effective because of our ability to justify our own behavior. I have to apply it at every iteration, which can be exhausting, and even then doesn't mean I won't fall victim to it, which then necessitates a series of tests (which can also result in false positives) in attempts to rebalance. At what point does even a flawed solution override the energy we wish to expend? I don't know the answer to that. But I do know there's been a lot of talk surrounding, "letting go" without a step-by-step roadmap in which to follow in order to do so. Coupled with my adherence to a fantasy I've lived with so long I may believe it is instead a reality - where much of my consternation originates which (I would assume) manifests as confirmation bias. This has forced me to examine myself further - why do I believe these things to be true if they are in fact, not?

Turning this over and over in my head I start to recall things; remember things. Words, feelings, actions. Knowing who I am; how I am, I admit I can get carried away from time to time. To steel myself against embracing fiction as reality I utilize a well-honed tool I have developed over a lifetime of use: Communication, and it has (almost) always served me well. More recently I've added the requirement of supporting actions, attitude, and behaviors to my repertoire as I've been burned on communication alone. The results so far however, have been mixed due to the mercurial nature of the unhealed self. Case in point (and either I've never written this before, or somehow failed to mention to my therapist), why I believe the things I believe - and it's not just my imagination. Mostly.

You see, we talked about marriage - what it would look like, what we'd do, how we'd navigate potential obstacles - if we got married. Understandably it was never a certainly, but the conversations covered the possibility of that eventuality; she told her parents, her children, her siblings. We had the types of conversations couples who are considering marriage have. So while I may be referencing a future which didn't come to past, the "fantasy" I'm often accused of holding onto wasn't fabricated from imagination alone. For a while there, it was a very real possibility which is probably how it made its way into my head.

There were tears yet again last night as we tried to pinpoint the source of my inability to let go. If anything has gotten me in trouble over and over again in my life, it is that I love too freely; too openly; too deeply. Yet seemingly I am unable to do so now. I am guarded; hesitant. I act the right way, and say the right things, but they come across as hollow and insincere, much like someone who cannot love might go through the motions of their life. This has never been who I am, yet it appears it is who I have become. If I have truly been cut so many times that I am holding on to not lose any more than I already have, that would mean I am unintentionally protecting myself from further harm by closing off my heart and disallowing those new connections to form. Again, unfamiliar territory. This is never how I've operated - never had to. Because this isn't a conscious decision on my part, I can only assume my subconscious mind is working overtime to shield me from potential damage to my already fractured psyche additional loss may cause.

Maybe this is why I can't let go.

Because I wouldn't survive it.

My psyche is pulling out all the stops to protect itself as I once again charge face-first into the only thing which could destroy me.