There's quite a bit going on in my head these days. While I was still dealing with the incomprehensibility of falling in love with my wife's BFF, I was finally rebuffed. It has been decades since that last happened, thus quite unfamiliar to the present-day iteration of myself. As with most things, I find it fascinating. Unfortunately, my brain chemistry finds it less fascinating.
I'll try to form some sort of semblance from the swirling thoughts these last several months.
It wasn't that I didn't think I was no longer capable of falling in love. Rather, I'm incomprehensibly happy and wasn't looking to fall in love, so when it happened, I was absolutely beside myself with shock, and as I've mentioned, quite a bit of embarrassment. Additionally, I was not expecting it to feel like it did. It was completely overwhelming and consuming. I suppose I imagined it would be more tame; less visceral somehow. Now I wonder if I'm not doomed to have a repeat of this sometime in the future. Of course people aren't interchangeable - it will likely feel completely different if/when it occurs again, thus the potential to take me completely by surprise yet again. I gotta be honest, not really looking forward to that part. Don't get me wrong - it was wonderful! I wouldn't change it for the world. But not really something I would purposely put myself through over and over again either. Though I'm likely going to miss the uniqueness of her, and how this one felt. I'm fairly certain I will never feel exactly like this again, and that's a double-edged sword.
Which brings me to a revelation - remember how adamant I was that I actually rebuff any returned feelings she may have offered, given the timing? Now I don't want to be, "that guy" but it dawned on me the inverse is rooted in the same logic, despite her well articulated protestations; they also shouldn't be trusted at this time. Which brings me to the conundrum: What happens when the time comes she's ready to move forward, and I no longer am? I'll be honest - I don't know, but already I pine for what could have been which is awfully out-of-character for me, who tries to live solely in the present. Keyword, tries. This whole experience has modified that slightly what with the manifestation visualization and all.
But throughout, my wife has been exceptional. More than that, she's flourished. Our relationship has - if possible - improved over the course of the last several months and we discuss how and why often. It's been an absolute joy and really propelled our bond in ways I hadn't expected. I've really come to appreciate her more and more as she surpasses every one of my strengths in a very visible way, being able to practically apply concepts I've only dreamed of accomplishing. It's downright inspiring.
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