Longing

[ehowton]

I do not know why I burn with this unquenchable desire; this longing. It does not make any logical sense, and were it to, I think perhaps I could reconcile it. Half the time I just wish to be done with this constant battle of self, the other half I absolutely indulge it in ways which possibly perpetuate it ad infinitum.

For someone who fancies themselves adept in articulation, I often find myself devoid of words to adequately express the depth of these desires in such a way to illustrate the manifestation I seek. But it's also not limited to just her; I long for my wife as well - still - after eight years together. My wife tells me the longing I have for her is connected to the longing I have for her BFF. Since falling in love with her mind, I find now I desire her greatly - lustfully so, and that fascinates me as well. "Why do you have to sleep with someone you're in love with?" my therapist asked. I didn't have an answer then. Now I do - I believe it's the manifestation of the four pillars of intimacy. Admittedly we're not there yet, but each passing day, each visit, has the potential to grow that bond, become vulnerable with one another; transparent. This happens through dialogue and fosters reciprocity.

Again, we're not there yet - these things don't happen quickly - especially after the trauma of what she's been through; going through. But to start I promised her I would never lie to her (it's honestly not in my nature), and I never will - no matter how poorly a light what I say may cast on myself. And that's transparency and vulnerability both. Someday perhaps she'll start to open up as well <3