Aftermath

[ehowton]

It's been a fortnight since I cried on the shoulder of my wife over her BFF. It feels significantly longer. I wanted to heal in the open - honestly and transparently, while maintaining everything about who am I and what motivates me to be the person I am - simultaneously being there for my wife's BFF as I had been, while refusing to jeopardize the friendship I have with her. What transpired however, was something completely different. I did it out of my love for them both, and time alone will tell whether or not it was the right thing to do.

I do believe in a multitude of council. That said, some rando's irrelevant opinion does not count. Hell, a multitude of people who have not proven their steadfastness to me do not count. I accept council only from those who have shown strong intellectual and emotional maturity. Awkwardly, these same people suggested I, "step back" and become, "less available" for a time. That is something I did not want to hear, and absolutely something I did not want to do. They were concerned for my well-being. And while grateful for their kind ministrations, I was not [concerned for my well-being]. My mind is a highly-active place filled with innumerous scenarios and compartments and even a sandbox in which to play. Point is, my cathartic weeping session was just that, and I felt I was over the proverbial hump at its conclusion with zero available directions in which to go but forward.

Two things then which influenced my decision. First, by pulling back and making myself less available, I was reinforcing to my wife there would be no repeat of the distress I put her through by crying over her BFF. She's a wonderful, strong, compassionate, smart woman, but I wouldn't want to put her through that again, and if this helped secure our relationship in her mind, so be it. Comparatively, it was very little to ask. Secondly - and perhaps more importantly - she introduced the idea of always being available as slowing her BFF's healing - and that is something I could not have on my conscious. So I stepped back, and became less available, for better or for worse for everyone involved. Including myself. I have no idea if she even noticed, and if she did, what assumption(s) she made due to it.

The sleeplessness which followed may or may not have been related; I have many irons spread across a landscape of fires and tending to them all does take energy, so any number of those could be the cause. I am trying to slowly work back into being more available since I am no longer plagued by longing and heartache. I am also (mostly) succeeding in not visualizing. I wouldn't say the infatuation has returned exactly, but I wouldn't exactly say it hasn't. I miss our interactions, our conversations; her mind, her body, and her spirit. I love the unparalleled life my wife and I have created, and feel she would absolutely blossom here. Why just last night my wife mentioned that if there ever comes a time her BFF does coexist with us, "...you can make love to her in the evenings, because she'll need you more then. Save your afternoons for me." What a cozy, comfortable thought. So yeah, mostly.