110%

[ehowton]

Writing prompt:

But I do recognize it that I am hopeless, romantic and I want somebody to just be overly obsessed with me to the point where somebody else wouldn't feel anything ..."

Recruitment into polyamory, so to speak, is in a way, unethical. Problematic for those claiming to practice ethical non-monogamy. It takes a level of trust, security, and all four pillars of intimacy often not experienced by the average couple - which may be (one of numerous) reasons it is so maligned. I liken it to being fully self-actualized, which admittedly, doesn't come off to others as even remotely humble. Or as Kohlberg put it in his Development of Moral Reasoning [Stage 6], Question all societal norms. Autonomously comprehend universal rules which are rational and logical. Of course I believe psychologists place the number of Americans to reach post-conventional values [Stage 5] at less than 10% and successful polyamory requires, at a minimum I would think, that and 110% effort. Why would someone - anyone - ever sincerely invest that much time and effort into a relationship? The payoff, of course. The most perfect, fairy-tale romance ever written or experienced. Except it's nothing like in the books.

Why is that?

Well, Puritans, Quakers and their ilk if I had to assume. There is an inarguable concentration of power, misogyny, and control at the base of every Abrahamic religion, but that's an entry for another time. Suffice it to say, peddling the false narrative that our purported creator wishes us to suppress the very human nature with which she herself imbued us - over centuries to a reproducing population which scores spine-chillingly low on Kohlberg's scale - will eventually do that to billions of people which is where we find ourselves today. But again, another time.

Personal Responsibility dictates we don't rely upon other people for our happiness, that we create it for ourselves and choose to share it with others. In a perfect world, with someone who is simultaneously creating their own happiness and sharing it with us. This gets gray-area confusing for a lot of people due in part to its touching on quite a few disparate, complex topics, up to and including self-realization, vulnerability, and the Buddhist definition of attachment, all of which is messily encased in expectation. It will likely take a lifetime to unpack - which is also where polyamory can help; wisdom in a multitude of council, especially when that council is determined to apply Game Theory to the relationship; doing that which benefits both the individual, and the entire group, at every turn. Love, manifest.

Philosophically, no one really ever disagrees that it would be foolish to hang every last one of our expectations upon one other person and make them alone personally responsible for every aspect of our happiness, forever. Practically, however? Serial monogamists have been doing that for centuries with no sign of slowing, while it continues to permeate our books, films, televisions, and arcane religious institutions. Ethical non-monogamy isn't just sharing the load, it's an exponential support system with access to unmitigated validation, while delving deeply into each area of intimacy until an almost Nirvana-like state of understanding is reached, which is why I liken it to self-actualization. Its viewing things like marriage through a very different lens than what the ages have recorded, most of which is a fallacy anyway - it never really existed, yet we - for reasons we never question - strive for it as our goal.

Attachment reduces marriage to a quest for safety, security, and compensation for childhood disappointments.^*

As for me, I am not going to sit idly by for the rest of my life waiting to see how things play out - I am absolutely going to blaze my own trail. Recruitment into polyamory, so to speak, is in a way, unethical. But I am always willing to freely share its inherent strengths as I've experienced them in hopes of inspiring others to question everything, but perhaps more importantly, themselves.