Wholly Me

[ehowton]

Now that I am no longer under the influence from the flood of chemicals in my bloodstream, I will admit to being a little surprised that my feelings on the matter have remained relatively unchanged. Which means from this point forward, I am acting on free agency. I still love her fiercely, but am no longer being held hostage by these feelings - I am now effectively able to wield them appropriately and to completely control my words and actions. This is a net win, and something which will hopefully improve upon our friendship rather than strain it. As usual, I am hopeful for the future no matter which guise in which it may present. I do still miss her terribly as there's something infectious about our mingled joy. It's a mystery to me she doesn't feel it as well - or feels it and is using a different toolset in which to deconstruct it - which brings me to another point:

Having the toolsets I myself utilize is apparently both a blessing and a curse, as some things appear so mind-boggling simple to me when I pull the out for use; tools others understandably may not yet have - which is what I've come to believe in my relationship with her. I've come across a handful of memes which seemingly (or at least that's what I read into them) intimate [the psychological defense mechanism] projection as the cause for jumping to conclusions where others may be concerned. I applied this scenario to my imagined relationship and determined its less DSM-V and more having a wider array of toolsets in which to utilize. When one has access to wide array of tools at their disposal, more options are available, and when more options are available, stress, confusion, panic and anxiety are lessened because forcing use of the wrong tool is basically a proverb (if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail). I would illustrate this example using both Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions - things go smoothly when you're aligning everything correctly. But I am finding when one has toolsets another does not, it can be...challenging.