ehowton ◾ ◾ Entries tagged withbehavior

2024-03-13 10:54

If you took a large, flat balloon out of its package and drew squares over its surface, filling those squares with words such as, "motivation" and "behavior" and "attitude" or even "wonder" the balloon remains still, and flat. But stretch the neck of that balloon against a helium tank marked, "passion" and watch as all those squares grow and expand and change as they lift up towards the heavens.

The problem as I see it, with trying to excise a specific passion, is that the requester believes it to be akin to targeted brain surgery - where the scalpel is inserted into a tiny opening looking to cut away just the part which bothers them - assuming passion for all other aspects of life remain otherwise unimpacted.

Sadly, that's not anywhere near how passion works. Once the scalpel touches the surface of that taut balloon, zest for everything attached to it is also destroyed...in an instant.

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2014-05-24 00:00

Those who've spent any amount of time online are no doubt aware of Godwin's Law which loosely states if an internet discussion goes on long enough, someone will eventually draw a parallel to the Nazis - its a unique phenomenon until diversity of the various parties involved is factored in. Then it makes perfect sense. Nonetheless, an interesting cultural occurrence.

Riding on the metaphorical coattails of Kathryn Schulz (were that she wore such attire), I therefore announce the "Pinhole Perspective" which is simply, both side of an ideological disagreement will eventually cite Schopenhauer's logic as their own burden of proof, no matter the subject being discussed.

Which really, isn't proof at all. Schopenhauer states,

All truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed; Second, it is violently opposed; and Third, it is accepted as self-evident.

Dismissing the improbably that all truth goes through these stages, simply stating Schopenhauer's logic isn't a presentation of evidence! One cannot just lay it out there and suddenly one group capitulates to the other; its not proof of anything, least of all justification for a belief that one group is right and another group is wrong - especially when both groups are using it to punctuate their side. How is that supposed to work?

And yet that's what run into time and again. Vigorous debates to determine who is right and who is wrong rather than a compassionate appeal to one side or the other - a compassionate appeal which includes accepting not everyone will agree with our point of view, no matter how right we think we are. They're allowed to do that. To not agree with us. Additionally, when we're so very sure of our own opinion, it makes it more difficult actually consider the other side - we may become blind to any other perspectives other than our own. Difficult? Absolutely. But required, I think, in order to grow.

The more often we believe a thing to be true, the deeper we unconsciously etch into our minds that we're right about it. This is how beliefs become immutable, no matter the argument.

If we truly desire knowledge, our minds needs to diffuse that "Pinhole Perspective" and live as prismatically as we claim. Our actions and behavior rises above the din of our words.

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behavior

2013-11-21 00:00

One of the most painful parts about a relationship with a narcissist is the accusations and labels the narcissist puts on you. During your relationship with the narcissist you were probably accused of doing and being all sorts of things that you know at a logical level you certainly would never do or which ran antithetically to your nature. Such as being close-minded, pessimistic, angry, unemotional, simple-minded, temperamental, unhappy, selfish, ("It is all about you!"), "You don’t treat me like an equal!" et cetera.

Today I want to explain how when a narcissist accuses you of such atrocities he/she is actually speaking to a MIRROR. Sooner or later the narcissist is not appeased enough. The narcissist will perceive something you did as ‘wrong’ – because you ‘critiqued’ ’questioned’ or ‘didn’t agree’ with him or her in some way. Then the mask cracks, and the adoring person you believed was in love with you sacrifices everything to prove they are right about you.

Understandably you will be shocked, reeling, and incredibly distraught because the behavior the narcissist employs is incredibly pathological, cruel, and without remorse. You will confront the narcissist with “Why are you behaving like this?" and this is when the projections erupt. The harder you try to make the narcissist accountable for his or her atrocious behavior, the more pronounced the projections.

When you point out these shortcomings to the narcissist, to them it feels like emotional annihilation. It is unthinkable, unbearable and will be avoided at all costs. Non personality-disordered people do not have this issue. They are capable of accepting being ‘wrong’ and ‘imperfect’ and realize it is a part of the normal human experience. ‘Normal’ people may not necessary like it – but they can accept it and take responsibility for it. Naturally when you confront the narcissist about his or her deplorable behavior you create the same situation. The narcissist then goes into automatic deflection and projection - its a necessary emotional survival mechanism - he or she will inevitably assign these parts on to you.

The narcissist will use any method available to project. This means fabricating, distorting, assigning significance to, or exaggerating what you said or did as ‘evidence.’ You will be astounded after stating the facts and gaining some sort of sensibility (forcing the narcissist after a mammoth battle to admit the ‘truth’ regarding these fabrications) when at a later date the narcissist will deny all of that and default back to his or her fabricated version of projection. You will also be amazed at how the narcissist lies about an ‘event’ that you were present to and upholds it as absolute truth regardless of the fact you were there! I promise you this: Narcissists actually believes their fabricated versions. You need to understand that the narcissist’s thinking and brain-wiring is so disordered that when he or she uses a deflection to avoid his or her disowned parts – this becomes real to the narcissist. They honestly believe their imagination is what actually transpired. The narcissist’s accusations about your character and what you ‘do’ are exactly what the narcissist feels internally about him or herself and how he or she operates in the world.

Anyone who has ever lived through the projections of a narcissist knows the insanity, the crazy-making, the intense struggle to try to prove yourself as innocent, the incredible twists and turns that the narcissist will perform to avoid accountability, and how any accountability or ‘safety’ gained from these tussels can fly out the window at a moment’s notice and return to the pathological versions. You will be astounded, heartbroken, and dismayed how these fabricated versions are worth so much more to the narcissist than maintaining a healthy relationship with you, JUST to remain non-accountable and keep blaming you. You feel like you’re going insane trying to get this person to JUST act like a decent and ‘normal’ human being.

- Adapted and abridged from: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-the-narcissist-projects-hisher-behaviour-onto-you/#sthash.9Gc0JAwy.dpuf

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2013-11-20 00:00

Accusing a non-narcissist of being a narcissist:

Who me? Surely you jest. I can't imagine what you're even referring to. Now don't be silly and tell me why you think that :)

Accusing a narcissist of being a narcissist:

NO I'M NOT! FUCK YOU! YOU'RE THE FUCKING NARCISSIST DON'T YOU TRY TO DENY IT, I KNOW YOU ARE!!!

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2013-06-07 00:00

I remember when my son was born. I was mortified at the thought of raising him to be confident and polite. I mentioned this to my Allstate agent's wife in Irving, TX who replied, "Oh, that's the easy part." I was shocked she could so easily dismiss my distress, yet with two grown boys of her own, I assumed she knew a trick - she did, and I have found it to be some of the most useful advice I've ever received:

Live your life as an example to how you want them to live theirs.

Simplistic, and effective. Leading by example over the DO-AS-I-SAY-NOT-AS-I-DO of old returns real, actionable results. I couldn't be more pleased with the outcome.

It can be a struggle sometimes, to exude the behavior you want others to see when you aren't in the mood to do so, but imagining the catastrophic results of not doing so is usually fair motivation to continue. The wonderful part is how easy it becomes with just a little practice - always doing the right thing becomes an addictive game - leading you to always do the right thing. This is how the whole "mood" thing is overcome; it becomes habit. When your default action is to always do the right thing/behave the right way, its no longer dependent upon how you feel - and this reaches far past your children and becomes something everyone can see.

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behavior,
kids

2013-05-31 00:00

Having maladaptive coping mechanisms isn't anything to be ashamed of. We all, to one extent or another, rely upon them from time to time whether we're aware of it or not; ways in which we cope with external circumstances that have worked for us in the past are usually pretty solid whether they are healthy or not. Besides, having maladaptive coping mechanisms doesn't mean we're stupid - it simply means we're unaware of a better way - due to any number of circumstances. Again, nothing to be ashamed of.

Getting angry, however? That is stupid. And something to be ashamed of.

The thing is, it decidedly doesn't take a genius to not get upset about things - no matter what it is. There are other ways. Smarter ways. Less angry ways. Anger is not just unflattering, we may miss something very important through the blindness of our anger. Additionally, those who get angry are usually thought of by other people to be generally incapable of constructive thoughts/behavior - their anger proves it; sane, well-adjusted people rarely get externally angry. So while it doesn't take a genius to not get upset, the inverse absolutely seems to apply more often than not.

If we consider ourselves capable of thought, let's think about choosing to not be angry. Its *actually* a choice. Those who get angry, however, don't believe this. Isn't belief silly? Furthermore, I've compiled a comprehensive list of what shitty behavior nets us:

Not a goddamn thing

Funny, huh? All that anger gains us nothing. I'm not talking about the good kind of self-anger which can help us learn and grow, or a healthy expression of anger as an outlet. Mature, self-aware people wield that type of anger like a tool, something to be used appropriately, and never taken out on other people. I'm talking about selfish, childish anger that can't really be described any other way.

Also, I regret to inform the 10% who know what I'm talking about, that the other 90% will get angry reading this :/

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2013-02-10 00:00

I am fascinated by human behavior and attitudes, and what underlies how and why these manifest. So it was with deep interest that I read the thorough dissertation by ehowton on the subject over the last year or so. He hit the subject from all angles, researching the topic from a psychological, sociological, and philosophical perspective. My current class, Organizational Behavior, reviews how personality, attitudes, behavior, and values coupled with corporate culture play out in the workplace - and how this interplay affects the bottom line.

It should come as no surprise that increasing employee satisfaction correlates positively with increased profit. The big question therefore becomes how to increase employee satisfaction. While there are some obvious considerations like job security, adequate pay, and how managers' treat employees, companies are also concerned with matching an employee's temperament to the job requirements. Consequently a number of companies do personality testing on prospective employees.

Myers-Briggs personality testing was one of the first tests used. However, while it turned out that Myers-Briggs is incredibly helpful for achieving personal understanding, it does not predict employee attitudes and behavior well. Enter "The Big Five," a measure of core personality traits that holds true across cultures with a strong degree of biological origin. Twins separated at birth have been found to have more similarity in personality than siblings raised together in the same household.

How is personality defined? According to the textbook, practically speaking, personality is the sum total of the ways one reacts and interacts with other individuals. And the Big Five?

From Wikpedia (since I can't copy and paste from my text):

Openness to experience – (inventive/curious vs. consistent/cautious). Appreciation for art, emotion, adventure, unusual ideas, curiosity, and variety of experience. Openness reflects the degree of intellectual curiosity, creativity and a preference for novelty and variety. Some disagreement remains about how to interpret the openness factor, which is sometimes called "intellect" rather than openness to experience.

Conscientiousness – (efficient/organized vs. easy-going/careless). A tendency to show self-discipline, act dutifully, and aim for achievement; planned rather than spontaneous behavior; organized, and dependable.

Extraversion – (outgoing/energetic vs. solitary/reserved). Energy, positive emotions, surgency, assertiveness, sociability and the tendency to seek stimulation in the company of others, and talkativeness.

Agreeableness – (friendly/compassionate vs. cold/unkind). A tendency to be compassionate and cooperative rather than suspicious and antagonistic towards others.

Neuroticism – (sensitive/nervous vs. secure/confident). The tendency to experience unpleasant emotions easily, such as anger, anxiety, depression, or vulnerability. Neuroticism also refers to the degree of emotional stability and impulse control, and is sometimes referred by its low pole – "emotional stability".

It is easy to see how the interplay of these traits would make one more or less suited to a particular job position or working environment. To be a good accountant or banker, a high degree of conscientiousness would be required. For sales, extraversion would be a must. In fields that continually undergo change, those open to experience are going to cope more effectively than their lower scoring counterparts. And so on.

However, the textbook indicated that given that employee satisfaction is a factor in profits, and those who score low in neuroticism tend to be happier and more optimistic in general, those employees with a low neuroticism score are desirable regardless of position.

Naturally I had to see how I scored

Open to experience: 70
Conscientiousness: 97
Extraversion: 59
Agreeableness: 83
Neuroticism: 3

Curious about your own scores? You can take the test here.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

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2012-12-30 00:00

Understanding that saying the right things mean absolutely nothing without actionable follow-through is a necessity for those of us who speak. What you say is meaningless without actually doing it.

Words! Words! Words! I'm so sick of words! I get words all day through;
First from him, now from you! Is that all you blighters can do?

Herbert Hoover is quoted as saying, "Words without actions are the assassins of idealism," but while the pursuit of the finished product is obtained through action, I don't think conceptualizing an idea is, in and of itself, a textbook case of assassination. The apostle Paul quotes, "My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth." (Just to ensure I'm covering all my bases). Even Buddha said, "An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea." Of course Buddha is the same guy who compared happiness to a candle - one which can light a thousand candles without being diminished. Some people see happiness as a glass of water; share too much of it and you have nothing left for yourself, so whatever. The point is, its a universal understanding, devoid of politics or religion or socio-economic status.

Philosophically the question then becomes, "How does one define action?" Using the root of the word we find that to act is anything done, being done, or to be done. So doing. Some may consider writing or communicating ideas as an action - and while it certainly is that, we're back to ideals. At some point something has to actually happen in order to pursue that ideal. The start, I believe, has to take place as a change in attitude and behavior, without which, action will never take place. Concerning this I have two quotes by Former President Richard M. Nixon on the matter. First, "People are persuaded by reason, but moved by emotion." Moved to what? Action of course. Second, "The man of thought who will not act is ineffective; the man of action who will not think is dangerous." So surely we require both to pursue our goal - words and action (or less ostensibly ideology and behavior/attitude supporting that ideology) - else there will never be any results.

I see real, actionable change through the metrics of behavior and attitude. For some, those are elusive immeasurable beasts. For me, its the key to unlocking everything else life has to offer.

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2012-11-03 00:00

I apply, or attempt to apply, the Nash Equilibrium to my everyday life, in every interaction. Its become a sort of philosophy for me. "Altruistic objectivism" if you will, as I don't subscribe wholly to any singular thread of philosophical debate - I don't have to - the best of many in an ever evolving comprehension of life far outweighs the limits imposed upon any single ideal.

Hiroshi Mikitani, CEO of Rakuten Inc. recently posted,

There is no such thing as common sense.

In fact, the only real truth in business is that all ideas are relative. Every manner of thinking has some strong points and some weak points. Nothing is ever set in stone. This is the nature of our world.

What’s important, therefore, is to progress forward while constantly adapting to new situations...Nothing is ever finished or fixed. Therefore, no one can ever declare his or her idea absolutely right. There is no absolute. Only the evolution of ideas.

Be suspicious of common sense and those who cite it to convince you to avoid progress. Do not fear going against common sense. Ideas evolve while being constantly adapted.

It dawned on me quite suddenly that Nash's equilibrium is, in essence, a practical application of Lawrence Kohlberg's third-tier of his Development of Moral Reasoning. Simply pointing out that learning to balance your own needs along with the needs of others as a postconventional value can be seemingly elusive and without form, but when coupled with making one's best response to the actions of the other players who are also [rationally] vested in a holistic solution both individually and collectively, then you have a workable, teachable, repeatable theory.

Adam Smith said the best result comes from everyone in the group doing what's best for himself, right? That's what he said, right? Incomplete. Incomplete! Because the best result would come from everyone in the group doing what's best for himself AND the group. Governing dynamics, gentlemen, governing dynamics. Adam Smith, was wrong!

The vernacular used here gave me pause to additionally consider the practical application of postconventional values in accordance with integrative bargaining over compromise; which at first glance utilizes the Nash principle, leading me to believe all conflict can be resolved through those who practice postconventional behavior. Again, rationality is stressed, for any sub-optimal decision by a "player" ends up hurting everyone, including themselves, in order to "win." When winning in the game of life is perceived as everyone finishing in first place over any single individual, our own personal accomplishment will mean that much more, and that's an ideology I can support. Fulfillment can only be reached by giving of oneself. It will never, ever come, by individual "winning."

Concisely, the Nash Equilibrium is a practical application of Kohlberg's postconventional values in the Development of Moral Reasoning which is integral to conflict resolution.

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2012-09-13 00:00

Having discussed Tony Robbins "Personality Needs" in HEXAREQUISITE, its time to address the last two, what he calls Needs of the Spirit. I don't put much stock into that voodoo that you do and I roll my eyes at the new age passivity of the public face of peace. I marvel openly at those who practice both individual spirituality and organizational religion - as well at those who do not, and I giggle to myself when anyone attempts to instruct me on their polar vies of politics much as an armchair quarterback confidently critiques a televised billion-dollar glamour industry play in four-quarters. I am gentle with my children when they need me to be and hard on them when required. Knowing that many different people do many different things for many different reasons isn't enough. Knowing why unlocks compassion. The "golden-rule" is flawed, but its a fantastic starting point. Sociology isn't in the knowing that cultures differs, its in endeavoring to know why. Only through knowledge can we begin to understand not only ourselves, but others - and this solves a whole host of both existing, and potential problems.

NEEDS OF THE SPIRIT - unlike personality needs, which we all find a way to fulfill in one form or another, while essential to human fulfillment, not everyone finds a a way to satisfy these, although they are necessary for lasting fulfillment:

GROWTH:
The first one is growth, which is one of the most powerful needs. Simply said, if you are not growing you are dying. Unused muscles and neurons, atrophy; unused knowledge and skills, forgotten. If you help others to be fulfilled, you will be fulfilled. Friedman (2005) observes:

“When you have a pathway to be The Man or The Woman, you tend to focus on the path and on achieving your dreams. When you have no pathway, you tend to focus on your wrath and on nursing your memories.”

Yet, it is also true that with reflection — the analytical examination of our memories, we can choose the right pathway to fulfilling our dreams, otherwise we could only be repeating the same mistakes we made, never really learning the lessons we ought to have learned. Problems, adversities and challenges make us grow strong, but it is the decisions we make that are the bedrock of our own individuality. It makes us, who we are!^*

CONTRIBUTION:
Robbins’ second primary need is the need for contribution. Often, we will do more for other people than what we will do for ourselves. To meet this need on a higher level we need to be willing to consistently give to others that which you wish to receive. A possible rewording of The Golden Rule: do unto others what you like others do unto you? Thus, to have a rewarding life, we need to go from being “culturally successful”, to being fulfilled. To help others when and while we can is even more rewarding than helping ourselves to fulfill own desires, wishes and dreams while trampling the humanity of others.^*

When our needs for love, growth and contribution are satisfied, they tend to encompass all our other needs. When we focus on something beyond ourselves, most of our problems and sources of pain become less significant. Contribution is the human need that effectively regulates your other five needs - If you are focused on contributing to others, you have the certainty of being able to contribute (there is always a way); you have variety (contribution is highly interactive); you have significance because you know you are helping others and improving their lives; the spiritual bond created when you help others gives you a deep sense of connection; and you grow by creatively helping others.^*

It would seem that while the entire population of the earth is understandably at different levels of needs, in order to have a fulfilling, intimate relationship with someone - mutual understanding - it is imperative that the parties involved understand and acknowledge their own levels of need. Someone who's priorities are meeting personality needs will be unable to reach intimacy with someone who's goals are fulfilling needs of the spirit. Not necessarily incompatible, but as we learned about personal values this is reflected in behavior and when individuals engaged in relationships are striving for dissimilar needs, obvious conflict would deny each party fulfillment of their own needs and render them unable to meet the needs of the other.

This is not wrong, simply problematic. Seek relationships with those who's needs mirror your own, otherwise fulfillment - a rewarding life - will never be met. This is not to say that we need to strive to find people who believe everything we do and only agree with our beliefs, rather finding people who have a desire to pursue growth and contribution no matter ideologies over the pursuit of tangible goods or self-serving personality needs.

As Tony Robbins himself infers, not everyone will ascend to fulfillment because "People at the lower levels of moral reasoning tend to come up with simplistic solutions. When these solutions don't work or backfire, they become baffled.^* Given that intimate relationships are based on the mutual cooperation and understanding to equally fulfill all needs of self and all needs of others, someone in a "mixed" relationship who pursues personality needs may be incapable of balancing their own needs along with the needs of others, one of the earmarks of post-conventional values.

It is very hard to get to this level if a persons values the other human needs before contribution. Again paradoxically the easiest way to fulfill all the human needs in a positive way is to focus on the needs of the spirit first. By valuing these needs the highest you will experience love because you will be in a state of love...which will elicit the experience of love for others. There will be great variety as this is what is required of growth and you will feel significant because you are contributing, having a positive influence on those around you.^*

It all comes back to intrinsic motivation. Those of us who eschew material pursuits do so because we do not require them to make us happy - our happiness comes from who we are and out ability to positively illicit conflict resolution through a genuine understanding of ourselves, our needs, and understanding and meeting the needs of others - though I cannot resolve meeting the needs of those who's primary goal is solely having either their needs met (pre-conventional values) or only meeting my needs (conventional values). It conflicts with the symmetry and balance of post-conventional values.

If a person doesn’t value growth highly enough then the motivation won’t be there to go through the necessary challenges that come along with the journey in the new direction. When a person refuses to meet the challenges of life they develop what are called safe problems. These are lingering issues that lie within a persons control to change...They are called safe because they stop having to deal with the quality problems that require growth.

The reason why growth is often experienced as painful is because it flushes up all the old conditioning from childhood that is buried in the subconscious. This is exactly why growth is so important for a happy life because by flushing up these old, outdated patterns and beliefs they can be cleared from the mind which allows the life energy to flow freer within a persons energy system. Having access to the energy of life puts a person in a different state, a state where problems are challenges which can be solved easily and creatively.^*

In revisiting why defining values is so very important, I turned to Steve Pavlina's dissertation where he explains, "The ultimate goal of living your values is to eventually bring them into alignment with universal principles. As you experience living with different sets of values, you'll learn what's truly important to you. Your values are your current estimations of truth. They represent your answer to the question of how to live. Some sets of values will fail to produce the results you want. They may leave you feeling restless and unfulfilled. Other sets of values bring you closer to a feeling of congruence. When you act with integrity to values that are themselves aligned with universal principles, you get the best possible results."

Who EVER wants to settle for "restless and unfulfilled?" We all strive for "the best possible results." To that end I took a second look at his list of 413 values and attempted to craft my own personalized prioritization of values:

Transcendence
Curiosity
Symmetry
Knowledge
Open-mindedness

For me, these feed into each other, and through them I will gain accesses into other equally important endeavors, such as the welfare of my children. In my mind, I would be unable to focus effectively upon their welfare without first employing the above five. Ensuring their needs were met without also meeting my own would be doing them a disservice. Open-mindedness is required to absorb knowledge, knowledge assists in balance (symmetry) through which I discover by way of my insatiable curiosity: Transcendence, the ability to overcome these human trappings and become more than I am - to instruct my children in the very tangible lessons of happiness and positivity through personal development.

Personal Development^*

improving self-awareness

improving self-knowledge

building or renewing identity

developing strengths or talents

improving wealth

spiritual development

identifying or improving potential

building employability or human capital

enhancing lifestyle or the quality of life

improving health

fulfilling aspirations

initiating a life enterprise or personal autonomy

defining and executing personal development plans

improving social abilities

What is in your list? Perhaps more importantly, why? Are you waiting for it to happen to you, or are you fighting for it - joyously seeking it every moment of every day?

Live life fully while you’re here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You’re going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don’t try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human. ~Tony Robbins^*

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2012-09-12 00:00

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun - find the fun and snap! The job's a game! ~Mary Poppins

When I was a young man I never understood the Peace Corps commercials which foretold, "The hardest job you'll ever love." The two seemed mutually exclusive to me. As I matured however, I gained a deep satisfaction in helping others with my hard work, no matter what the task at hand entailed. I know those who define "happiness" as one day being independently wealthy. I explain very gently to them that if they cannot be happy with where they are now, they won't be happy when they're rich. They do not comprehend my words. Much the same way, anything I choose to "work" on doesn't automatically mean it won't be, at times, joyful for me to do so. Anything worth doing will certainly entail some challenge, but I reject the notion it can't be "fun" to "work" on something to conclusion.

Take life for example. Frought with both happiness and heartache, perhaps our attitude alone can carry us through both extremes? If we approach every job with a desire and willingness to do our best, then even if the outcome fails, our time was well spent. Our time was well spent because you can't work that hard and not invest a little of yourself in the job. I damn near preach that the journey, not the destination is what makes the destination worthwhile. I think you'd be hard press to enjoy all the destination has to offer without the fulfillment of how you got there. Then again, it may just be me.

There was a passage in the book Speak Peace which related a story about a mother who hated cooking, but felt she had to - that it was her role to fulfill. The author encouraged her to not do the things which made her unhappy. Gathering her courage, when she got home she announced to her husband and two teenage sons that she would no longer cook. They were thrilled! "Now maybe she won't bitch so much about how much she hates to cook," one of the sons was quoted in reply.

While most of the memories of my grandmother are of avocado and goldenrod appliances, fading like a yellowed photograph, I remember being five years old. It was 1974. I remember my mother and grandmother arguing over a gift my grandmother had given me for Christmas after we'd stopped celebrating it for religious reasons. My grandmother had wholeheartedly accepted my mother's choice, but wasn't aware it was going to limit what she did. It was a shiny yellow metal Tonka dumptruck. At some point, for whatever reason, my mother finally relented. I was thrilled, but also a bit guilty. I wonder if the boys from the passage in Speak Peace felt guilt at eating a dinner their mother bitched about making? Oftentimes its not what we do or do not do that counts, rather how we do it.

I've often said in the annals of this blog, I'd rather you not do something at all than do it with a bad attitude. That's not a trite platitude - its my way of life - and I'm a much happier person for adhering to it. Sure there are things that I must do from time to time that I don't enjoy as much as others, but I know going in if I have a bad attitude toward it, I will be that much more miserable. I simply re-frame, and continue. The job gets done and surprisingly, if I haven't learned something from it, I've at least walked away with the satisfaction that I did my best.

Sometimes, it really is that easy.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

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behavior,
nvc

2012-09-11 00:00

So often people blame events for how their lives have turned out.
Yet what really shapes our lives is the meaning we attach to events.
~ Tony Robbins

We went out to eat the other day, and was served by a bright-eyed, cheerful young lady who took the time to speak directly to us, ask us about our day AND keep our iced teas filled. "She's going places," my wife quipped. As she brought us the bill she thanked us for looking her in the eye while speaking to her, "So many customers nowadays won't even do that!" We left a 50% tip.

Attempting to connect motivation, values, goals and needs to better understand myself and others is a daunting task insofar as not only are they all separate entities, they seemingly feed into each other from a myriad of directions, making their interoperatbility a single cohesive unit.

Wikipedia defines the four as follows:

Motivation is the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal and elicits, controls, and sustains certain goal directed behaviors.

Values can be defined as broad preferences concerning appropriate courses of action or outcomes.

A goal is an objective, or a projected computation of affairs, that a person or a system plans or intends to achieve.

To most psychologists, need is a psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a goal, giving purpose and direction to behavior.

So once again we're going to tread the waters of actions and behavior. Color me unsurprised. As we've previously discussed how values and behavior are connected we'll now assume motivation is the the trigger for need and explore how behavior reflects it.

When I think of needs I immediately visualize Masolw's pyramid. And more recently Tony Robbins' "Six Human Needs" This is brought into play because...

IF:

The main benefit of knowing your values is that you will gain tremendous clarity and focus, but ultimately you must use that newfound clarity to make consistent decisions and take committed action.

Consciously knowing and living by our values is extremely important. Values act as our compass to put us back on course every single day, so that day after day, we're moving in the direction that takes us closer and closer to our definition of the "best" life we could possibly live. The "best" is your own ideal, but generally as you get closer to this ideal, you'll enjoy increasingly positive shades of "better" even if you never reach "best." And this makes sense because many results in life exist on a continuum. There are some discrete entities like being married or not married, but your health, financial status, relationship intimacy, and level of happiness are generally continuous, meaning that they can gradually get better or worse. It seems reasonable that more health, happiness, wealth, intimacy, inner peace, love, etc. is better than less.^*

AND:

Decisions shape destiny.

THEN:

Our needs are what we are pursuing by way of our decisions. Whatever our needs are at any given time, our values will shift to accommodate them and our behavior will immediately reflect to achieve it. Ergo, the future we desire!

Knowing - identifying exactly - our needs, suddenly becomes more than just an esoteric pastime. They are fundamental to not only our every day lives (as reflected in our behavior), but also to our very future, to which is tied health, happiness, wealth, intimacy, inner peace, love, etc. That is a veritable laundry list of positive items that can result from just one question. What are our needs?

Mr. Robbins separated human needs into two areas which he called "Personality Needs" and "Needs of the Spirit" which I think deserve a second look given they might help us define our future and positively modify our behavior to obtain it. For this entry, we'll focus only on the first four personality needs, linking to four different sources at an attempt at well-roundedness...

CERTAINTY:

UNCERTAINTY/VARIETY:

SIGNIFICANCE:

CONNECTION/LOVE:

While we all probably understand these things at different levels, what seems apparent is that pursing or meeting solely our personality needs will lead to attachment and suffering at one end, and mediocrity at the other. Yes we need these things to survive, but I would argue there's a chasm between those who seek survival, and those who seek to live.

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2012-08-17 00:00

The sinewy, woven threads of past present & future mock those who discredit mindfulness as a roadmap to navigating the potential butterfly-effect eddies surrounding the almost imperceptible movements of the weaving process. Understanding any one dimension of time without taking into consideration the other two has proven time and again to be a precarious endeavor - time, that seemingly everpresent irreversible succession of unidirectional duration which causality calls home, cements our cognitive understanding of the entire universe.

Intent is primarily motivated though desire and belief, two very different animals insofar as the former requires prior knowledge of a thing in order to have a longing for it whereas the latter consists of load-bearing constructs which support our limited understanding of the world and our place within; reason and (epistemological/empirical) comprehension.

A rational person is one who accepts a belief because it is supported, who rejects a belief when it is not supported, who only believes to the extent that evidence and support allows, and who has doubts about a belief when the support turns out to be less reliable than previously thought.^*

Will is an act with intent, fueled by our desires and beliefs. Action therefore is an outward attribute of that which motivates us manifesting itself most basically as behavior. I interpret behavior primary through attitude. Its not the frequency nor subject of our interaction, nor the duration or intensity - attitude alone will tell me everything I need to know; whether that interaction is mutual or not. I recently ran across a Reality Creation Mantra which I realized was a way to convey my almost eerie ability to peer into another's psyche; their soul, simply by reversing it:

Attitude reveals character, character reveals actions, actions reveal beliefs, beliefs reveal thoughts.

I know what you think because of your attitude.

And the problem oftentimes with attitude is the eternal struggle between pride and shame, two sides of the coin of self-worth. If you are ashamed of anything in your life, it will show in your words, your actions, and your attitude. Shame can be healthy in correcting wrong behavior, but knowledge of shame without correction or at least understanding is a marvelous way to stay broken, much as pride without reason, also known as beliefs. Beliefs give rise to values, values give rise to behavior, behavior is visible, as is attitude.

We cloak our true selves for fear of exposure, working hard to create a grand facade. But that often leaves us unfulfilled, because even if we create a convincing front, the message it sends us is clear—our true self is unacceptable. The message "I had better posit a facade lest I be found out" only perpetuates excessive shame. Be yourself without abashment—but with sensitivity and awareness of the effects of your behaviors on others. No shame in trying.^*

Let's read that again, more slowly. "Be yourself without abashment" often comes back to me as a willingness or carelessness to harm others. I suppose to those who can only think in extremes that might at first be the case. Thankfully, there is a qualifier here, "but with sensitivity and awareness" which can only come through mindfulness. So why be yourself if you have to apply stipulations on it? In a word, causality. "...the effects of your behavior on others." Future events being determined by present behavior. This is how life works. Future events being determined by present behavior. To undo everything you've done based upon a belief of only one-possible future is ignorant at best.

At one extreme, a belief might be one which a subject has because she has thought about the subject matter carefully, or has done some empirical investigation, and, as a result, she can see a whole host of interconnected reasons for thinking that the proposition she believes is true. In other words, the belief is robust because it is, by the subject’s lights, evidentially extremely well supported, so well supported that it stands near the core of her web of belief. Such contrary evidence as comes in would be seen as requiring adjustments not with the belief itself, but elsewhere in the subject’s web of belief.

At the other end of the spectrum, however, a subject’s belief might be robust because she is completely irrationally disposed to cling to her belief. The belief might be the product of wishful thinking, say, so that no matter what countervailing information comes in, the subject will be disposed to reinterpret that information, or ignore it, or the information will in some other way be prevented from having its proper evidential impact.

And there will be cases in between as well. A belief might be robust not because it is the product of wishful thinking, and not because the subject has thought about it and seen so many reasons for assigning the proposition believed the degree of belief she assigns it, but rather because she isn’t very good at thinking through evidence and is vulnerable to certain systematic errors, or perhaps because she is too lazy to revise her beliefs, or for some similar reason.^*

When we see that lone tendril peeking out from the surface of the tapestry of life, though we may be tempted to pick at it; pull it, comprehension of either inductive or deductive reasoning and its resulting causality would suggest an unraveling - a paradoxical self-inflicted headslap - from being unaware of the delicate relationship the three sisters of fate share with each of us, and one another.

Buddha said, "The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." Living in the present wisely doesn't mean not preparing to paying future bills or maintain an uncluttered home, it means the opposite of that - to be aware. We can be aware of both past and future without either mourning or worry, and that seems to be a most foreign concept. Perhaps Qui-Gon Jinn said it better when he instructed Obi-Wan Kenobi to be mindful of the future, but not at the expense of the moment. I understand for some that is simply too deep, and too wide a chasm.

The same point applies to fragile beliefs. Some beliefs that subjects possess are fragile because, existing as the subjects do in a constantly changing evidential situation, the changes in their beliefs simply reflect the vigilant exercise of their capacity for reasoned belief revision. At the other extreme, some subjects’ beliefs are fragile because the subjects in question simply forget what it was that they came to believe in the first place, or because the subjects are prone to make all sorts of random errors in their assessment of the incoming evidence, or because they are systematically influenced by what those who are around them think, where those who are around them vary from time to time as regards what they think.^*

Causal fallacies and the assumptions which are acted upon because of only one possible future appear with frightening frequency in my world. It takes open-mindedness and "good thinking" to understand the nature of relation; cause and effect. Too often we're destroyed by that which we thought we understood, but didn't.

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2012-06-28 00:00

I recently made the deductive statement that one's personal values surely changed as one ascended from one hierarchical need to the next, but when asked to back up my claim I found I wasn't immediately able to deduce why that may be the case. After all, aren't values inherent to who we are not only immovably individual, but also collectively cultural? This is what I have set out to prove or disprove.

In starting my search, I first had to define values - aren't they our guiding principles to differentiate between right and wrong and good and evil? Much easier to subjugate when I was younger, but now that I'm older and have my own thoughts about things, not so much. Perhaps maturity modifies ones values? After all, the passing of time allows intervals for experience; experience may yield lessons; lessons afford us the opportunity to learn; learning expands knowledge; knowledge which can be utilized grants us wisdom; wisdom changes us irrevocably. But is wisdom alone maturity?

"Maturity indicates how a person responds to the circumstances or environment in an appropriate manner. This response is generally learned and encompasses being aware of the correct time and place to behave and knowing when to act appropriately, according to the situation and the culture of the society one lives in."^* So a learned response! And what is this about behavior all of a sudden, I thought we were discussing values?

People act according to their values which come from beliefs that stem from their worldview.^*

So...values dictate to us how we act; behave. Interesting! I suppose one ought to start with their worldview in order to understand how that translates to behavior, because values seem to be affected by the beliefs which are spawned from it. So what is a worldview? James W. Sire, in Discipleship of the Mind, defines world view as, "... a set of presuppositions...which we hold...about the makeup of our world." Ah, presuppositions!

Presuppositions rest upon that which a person considers to be the truth of what exists. People's presuppositions lay a grid for all they bring forth into the external world. Their presuppositions also provide the basis for their values and therefore the basis for their decisions." ~Francis Schaeffer

Basically, your worldview is what you think the world ought to be. Where have we heard that word "ought" before? SHOULD STATEMENTS – Patterns of thought which imply the way things "should" or "ought" to be rather than the actual situation the person is faced with.

Basically worldviews are manifestations of cognitive distortion! Now we're getting somewhere.

If you deny that your worldview fundamentally affects what you think and do, then you must acknowledge that your behavior is impulsive, reflexive, or emotional at best; ignorant or irrational at worst. Assuming that a worldview can be incorrect or at least inappropriate, if your worldview is erroneous, then your behavior is misguided, even wrong. If you fail to examine, articulate, and refine your worldview, then your worldview may in fact be wrong, with the above consequences, and you will always be ill-prepared to substantiate your beliefs and justify your acts, for you will have only proximate opinions and direct sensory evidence as justification.^*

If we are supposed to, "examine, articulate, and refine" our worldview, then by default a change in our beliefs, values, and behavior will follow. Not only does it alter our values, but so does everything connected to it, every single time we reevaluate. And I aggressively reevaluate without provocation.

Like a stack of dominoes, once your worldview is modified, so then are the beliefs which are built atop it - "You want your beliefs to change. It's proof that you are keeping your eyes open, living fully, and welcoming everything that the world and people around you can teach you."^* This means that peoples' beliefs should evolve as they gain new experiences, and when a person changes one belief, a multitude of other beliefs seem also to change simultaneously and effortlessly. Dispositionalism suggests that by changing the surrounding beliefs and desires, very different behavior may result.^* As we have seen, the link between beliefs and behavior, are values.

If our worldview can and should change as we learn more, which can and rightly should then change our beliefs, then absolutely our values not only can change to match, but also should. This is covered in chapter 9 of the critical thinking textbook, Think where they discuss Lawrence Kohlberg's Development of Moral Reasoning. Development; growth, a process. Not only can values modify themselves, there is an identified, repeatable sequence - it is how we know what values are and measure them. A person's stage of moral development is correlated with his or her behavior.

PRECONVENTIONAL VALUES
- Stage 1
  - Does only what needs to be done to take care of self and avoid punishment.

Stage 2
- Satisfy own needs first, consider other's needs only if it benefits you.

CONVENTIONAL VALUES
- Stage 3
  - Put other's needs first, maintain good relationships, conform to peer norms and seek approval from others.

Stage 4
- Respect authority and societal norms; maintain existing social order.

POSTCONVENTIONAL VALUES
- Stage 5
  - Balance your own needs along with the needs of others. Obey only the social rules which make sense to you - don't follow blindly.

Stage 6
- Question all societal norms. Autonomously comprehend universal rules which are rational and logical.

Unfortunately less than 10% of American adults ever reach the postconventional level or moral reasoning; values. People with lower levels of moral reasoning tend to come up with simplistic solutions and then are baffled when they do not work. People outgrow their old way of thinking *when* it becomes inadequate for resolving more complex problems. Movement to a higher stage is usually triggered by new ideas or experiences that conflict with their worldview.

Now comes the really interesting part. You don't have to continue living by the same values. You can consciously change them - even radically if desired. You can go from a person who values peace most highly to one whose top priority is success, or vice versa. You are not your values. You are the thinker of your thoughts, but you are not the thoughts themselves. Your values are your current compass, but they aren't the real you. Why would you ever want to change your values? You may want to change your values when you understand and accept where they are taking you, and you realize that what you appear to value right now will not enable you to enjoy the "best" possible life for you.^*

Which brings us to behavior. Behavior is the visible portion of our values - which we now understand to be a very fluid thing based on our ever-changing environment and our open-minded incorporation of new data. You cannot be open-minded and remain unchanged. Because of the trickle-up effect we've just outlined, if you find yourself behaving the same year after year, month after month or even day after day you know you are close-minded because your worldview has not changed.

So what are values? Here's a list of 418 of them. The author of that list says, "The next step is to prioritize your list. This is usually the most time consuming and difficult step because it requires some intense thinking." But don't forget our magnificent ability to think we are things we are not! From my Relationships post:

But being honest with yourself is is not so easy. There's a little thing called self-deception that gets in the way.^*

I run across this all the time - people who think their values embody something like benevolence and goodwill but who's visible actions denote fear or greed. So while your behavior may be inconsistent with your stated values, there is no such thing as a right or wrong list. Just be aware that someone else's value priority may be different than your own, and this will absolutely manifest itself through behavior.

Me and my values? They are changing all the time. Every time I have a new thought, or leap to a new conclusion, or reach some personal milestone. My values these days are meta-values, those which underpin the kind of peace which can only come from a successful familiarization with one's self. In attempting to compile my list from the 418 options I was shocked I couldn't find my highest priority on there:

Symmetry.

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2012-05-19 00:00

HOW TO KILL A GOD

Deny him his nature.

`An open mind is a mind of curiosity, wonder, learning, infinite possibilities and a beautiful desire for understanding.`

The Critical Thinking Community defines critical thinking as the intellectually disciplined process of actively and skillfully conceptualizing, applying, analyzing, synthesizing, and/or evaluating information gathered from, or generated by, observation, experience, reflection, reasoning, or communication, as a guide to belief and action.

The Critical Thinking Company defines it as the identification and evaluation of evidence to guide decision making. A critical thinker uses broad in-depth analysis of evidence to make decisions and communicate his/her beliefs clearly and accurately.

CRITICALTHINKING.NET defines critical thinking as reasonable reflective thinking focused on deciding what to believe or do.

Belief.

In all three instances belief plays a role in critical thinking. Belief is a principle, a proposition or premise which is accepted as true. As belief is but the simplest form of mental representation - the lowest common denominator - it can be expanded through critical thinking. When someone learns a particular fact, they acquire a new belief.

Understand and acknowledge that facts can support beliefs, as well as disprove or nullify inaccurate or incorrect beliefs.

Therein lies two immediate issues with that:

People who "believe" only the former to be true, but not the latter.

People who don't "believe" facts.

Belief without substantiating evidence is fine; belief without personal understanding of that belief is not. WHY is it believed to be true? Critical thinking can help.

Analyzing, conceptualizing, defining, examining, inferring, listening, questioning, reasoning & synthesizing. Apply all of these to anything anyone says or any belief held and start taking personal responsibility through intellecutal independence which allows us to solve our own problems ourselves.

Critical thinking can be applied to everything, across the board by very easily asking or analyzing; Ask to clarify indistinct or ambiguous statements, ask for verification of statements, ask for specifics, rather than use of subjective language, consider the relationship of the statement to the issue, consider the superficiality of statements which do not address the complexity of the issue - to be truly fair and unbiased other points of view and different perspectives must be considered - and the combination of thoughts should be mutually supportive and make sense both individually and once assembled.^*

But above all, be open-minded - how could one possibly think critically if the results were chosen to be ignored rather than applied? Critical thinkers are acutely aware of their own ignorance and biases and motivations and default societal rules and question it anyway, just in case they're wrong.

Its difficult at best to seriously consider ideas which may run contrary to decades of conditioning. `Humans can be very logical but more often than not are swayed from its use by many traps. Our long evolutionary history of reliance on the "herd" has compromised rational thought in favour of going along with consensus of opinion. To not do so places us outside the herd and thus into an unfavourable survival position.`^* No taboo is presently known to be universal - can the mind be expanded to accept what is considered unnatural things?

Be passionate about critical thinking! I find each irrationality a challenge to unravel! For within lies truth and truth can soothe even the most hardened of disbelief in the closet critical thinker.

`Stop worrying about what job will bring you passion. What hobby. Or even what person. Be passionate and its spirit will call itself out, attracting life to a you that is ready, willing, and able to dance that kind of dance.`^* Without a passion for effective communication and commitment to glorious mutual understanding, what else is left but confusion, and where confusion leads? Acting on a perception of what might have been said instead of asking for clarification skirts dangerously close to the opposite of critical thinking, which as I've come to understand it, is cognitive distortion.

And cognitive distortion is chock full of some of my most oft decried pet peeves:^*

OVERGENEALIZATION – Extrapolating limited experiences and evidence to broad generalizations

WISHFUL THINKING - Expectation of certain outcomes based on performance of unrelated acts or utterances

DISQUALIFICATION OF POSITIVE - Discounting positive experiences for arbitrary, ad hoc reasons.

JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS - Reaching (usually negative) conclusions from little (if any) evidence.

MIND READING - Sense of access to special knowledge of the intentions or thoughts of others.

FORTUNE TELLING – Inflexible expectations for how things will turn out before they happen.

CATASTROPHIZING -Inability to foresee anything other than the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or experiencing a situation as unbearable or impossible when it is just uncomfortable.

EMOTIONAL REASONING – Experiencing reality as a reflection of emotions, e.g. "I feel it, therefore it must be true."

SHOULD STATEMENTS – Patterns of thought which imply the way things "should" or "ought" to be rather than the actual situation the person is faced with, or having rigid rules which the person believes will "always apply" no matter what the circumstances are.

PERSONALIZATION - Attribution of personal responsibility (or causal role or blame) for events over which a person has no control.

And my personal favorite:

FALSE DICHOTOMY - All-or-nothing thinking; conception in absolute terms, like "always", "every", "never", and "there is no alternative"

More to the point, false dichotomy is generalized by BLACK AND WHITE THINKING:

What's wrong with the simplicity of black and white? To start with `using dichotomous language boosts dichotomous thinking, and the latter is a type of cognitive distortion that can negatively influence the way you feel about yourself. If you’re dealing with anxiety, casual usage of extremely polar words can lead you to magnify thoughts and events through a distorted lens that can ultimately make you more anxious.`^*

Simply put, thinking critically can save us from the ill effects of polar words which can lead to polar moods. And this is something which can be accomplished from home! I imagine that critical thinking could very well be the cognitive behavioral therapy to less-severe cases of dysfunctional emotional-behavioral issues.

`If we think in false dichotomies we will tend to draw false conclusions. Black and white thinking often reflects an underlying reluctance or refusal to deal with the uncertainly that results from complexity in an absence of definite answers. But leaping to flawed conclusions because you can't tolerate the ambiguity of not knowing is not about truth or curiosity, but comfort.`^*

Ah comfort. That warm blanket which is so effortless to draw up around us to shroud ourselves in the lazy pastime of assuming if we ignore the problem, it will surely go away. Or to even keep the pain we've so long identified with its now a part of our identity, intact.

Herein lies the crux, the everything about everything.

Most people don't care to think critically.

I was shocked by an epiphany I had concerning something I feel strongly about, that being not ever denying anyone their opinion. But if I am going to live by my own rules, I must certainly incorporate new information as it becomes available if I expect others to afford me the same courtesy. So here it goes:

If I arrive at my opinion through critical thinking and someone else arrives at their opinion though cognitive distortion, does that make their opinion wrong?

I am a critical thinker.

Its what I do.

Its what defines me.

Part time lover. Part time dreamer. Full time me.

`The process of being open-minded is tied to not judging, being flexible, learning, letting go of attachment. Those who can change their minds can change everything.`^*

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2012-03-07 10:28

After two full weeks of P90X I got one of those energy-sapping colds which on the surface was nothing more than easily-manageable congestion, but under the hood a lingering thief who deceitfully robbed me of my ambulatory motivation. I couldn't rustle up the energy to even move. As I am rarely ill, I found this excessively disturbing. To add insult to injury, it even managed to affect my mood. Surprising to be sure, as my mood is nearly unflappable.

Nonetheless, I am back. Me and my swinging terrible swift sword. And I feel magnificent.

I was watching a show the other day and one of the female characters said something along the lines of, "Men say they will change, but they never do." That got me to thinking of context. How do those who make such statements expect to see that change manifest?

Those of us who define ourselves by our role I imagine could fulfill a variety of roles and be the same person. The same can be said for our beliefs; Whether or not I am a Christian or a Buddhist or an atheist, I'm still the same person. So while its possible to change who we are by adapting to cumulative external changes via different ways of thinking as we embrace new roles, what is it other people see us as having changed?

My first thought was behavior.

How we behave in our responsibilities, our beliefs, and our interactions with others. And to a degree, I'll stick with that. But I wonder how much of our behavior is reflected in less concrete definitions, such as character. Foreign sounding words such as integrity or sportsmanship - ideas which transcend our religious-political beliefs or socio-economic status. Deep-rooted traits which, over time, can be seen by those we most interact with. Perhaps that's what truly defines us?

Why then is behavior so important? Take sportsmanship for example. Good and bad behavior both are easy to spot in competitors. How we behave when we've lost is more easily masked than how we may really feel. So while our actions may belie our feelings, its an easy one to manipulate. You may not really be a good sportsman, but if your behavior says otherwise, how will anyone know unless you are caught behaving otherwise?

I suppose then that it comes back to always being mindful. Be aware of your surroundings; your audience. Not to pretend to be something you aren't, but for the purposes of ensuring those around you can perceive who you really are. A very small, easily overlooked, yet wholly important distinction.

Concerning the pursuit of happiness, astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson said,

The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock. The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation. ^*

This is an easily understood assembly of words for a sometimes-difficult concept, and can also be applied to our character. I'm very often accused of being contradictory. That's because I attempt to define nuanced granularity, not broadly stroked ideas. Here's an example: "I don't care what people think of me. I always try to make a good impression." Contradictory or not?

People who say, "I don't care what other people think about me" are generally referring to who they are, what they believe, and how they act. But we absolutely want to be judged on some semblance of who we really are, what we really believe, and how we really act - its a way of enforcing our own belief system - withstanding judgement of it. Of course we don't care what other people think of us if they know nothing about us!

Ergo, I want to be clear in my communication, and make an impression which will allow others to correctly perceive me, so they can judge me properly. If they do not find what I present favorable, I don't care. Not contradictory. Complimentary. In fact believing one without believing the other is where the contradiction lies - within those who make the statement without understanding we alone are solely responsible for emitting a truthful facsimile of ourselves in order to be judged.

We may not always be defined by others using the same measuring stick we use to define ourselves, but self-identity is that which cannot be modified by external circumstances or judgement. Errant behavior may be a mask to hide our flaws, but it is only temporary unless we're using it as a character-building tool which can be used to actually modify our character. In other words, the only way to be acknowledged as an ethical person is not to act ethical, but to actually *be* ethical. So it is with all our character traits.

So today, go out and be excellent to each other, and trample out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored. I certainly plan to!
^{* - Thanks anakngtinapa!}

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2012-02-04 11:05

Dreamed I was back in uniform. Again. We lived in Texas and I was heading to Goodfellow Air Force Base. Again. My family and I lived in an architecturally impressive house. Like a 5000 sq/ft single-story ranch. Second dream in a row where I lived in a house like that. Contrasts greatly with the dream I had we were living in my great-grandfather's house again recently.

One thing I notice in these dreams is an inordinate amount of various emotions I seem to have. I "feel" a lot during these dreams, and they run the gamut. Emotions I may not consciously dwell upon during my waking hours. While my ability to process emotions outside externally facing behavior gives the appearance of an armored exoskeleton, it does not mean I do not feel, nor experience emotions. I wonder if these nocturnal indulgences are in fact some sort of pre- or post-processing allowing me to feel more fulfilled or more emotionally well-rounded.

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2012-02-02 08:15

Its easy to see the road ahead when racing around an oval track. ~ehowton

Having picked up the current periodical Psychology Today from Barnes & Noble, my wife and I shared an uneasy glance at the random cover story during checkout, "Are You With the Right Mate?" (article here) followed by a nervous chuckle. Luck of the draw to be sure. But what I was not expecting in its pages was article after article reinforcing everything I've reiterated here the past six months or so. In short, professional validation of potentially nonsensical pontification - starting with the subtitled, "Feelings mean nothing without context." (Link to my blog entry, not the actual article.)

There is no such thing as two people meant for each other. It's a matter of adjusting and adapting. But you have to know yourself. Successful couples redefine their relationship many times, relationships need to continually evolve to fit ever-changing circumstances. They need to incorporate each partner's changes and find ways to meet their new needs. ~ Psychology Today

Not that I believe context is everything anymore, at least not by itself. Here lately I've been foraying into the thick of intention - which I now understand to be related to context in a sleeping-with-your-sister kind of relationship. If context is the dynamic in which we wish ourselves to be understood, then intention is the motivation behind that communication. Conversely if the roots of that intention are misunderstood, then the context of the intent should clarify the dynamic, right?

"I don't care," is the statement I most closely associate with illuminating contextual misunderstanding or knowledge of intent - once everyone is on the same page - those who choose to disbelieve truth, despite facts to the contrary. "I don't care," really does say it all. And it speaks much more broadly and deeply about personal psychology than about the specific reason it was stated. I submit that no one can care deeply about the facts of one subject matter while entirely dismissing them in another. Facts are just that - truths known by actual experience or observation. Their reality is not colored by moods nor emotions. "I don't care" is the logical equivalent of the Dave Barry quote, “A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.” Basically, if you allow facts to change your opinion only on some things, but not others...what does that say about you? I'm not talking about disagreeing on what those facts may mean based on individual experience, only pretending they don't exist. Self-awareness is paramount for accepting change; a change which is going to transpire regardless.

I read a fascinating comprehensive article recently on the biological effects of love, sex, friendship, marriage and bonding (mostly sex) - and its surprisingly candid conclusions, which surprised me at how incompatible it was to the Psychology Today article. Basically anthropological behavior battling inter-relational behavior within societal constructs.

Due to the nature of the limbic system, you cannot will your feelings, emotions, falling in love, or staying in love, anymore than you can will your heart to beat, or yourself to digest a meal or sleep ~ Your Brain on Sex

So I get the whole Holy Roman Empire murdering heretics who blaspheme that the world may not be flat - that is about power. I get it, it makes sense to me. What I don't understand is how the "Nuclear Family" (Penn & Teller's Bullshit episode on so-called "Family Values" here) evolved to be the ideal. Between these three sources I've discovered that everything I ever thought I knew, or to be more pointed - was taught - was wrong. And I do know how that happened. Belief systems.

I first saw the Penn & Teller episode back in 2006. It talked about "artificial limitations," something I wasn't entirely equipped to absorb at the time. Fast forward six years of varied and numerous life-experiences and I reel at the glaring differences between the psychological and anthropological. I absolutely understand that both articles are presenting truth - and solutions - but from two different perspectives tackling two discrete problems. The single thread which runs through them both however, is to be mindful. Not understanding a dynamic and/or acknowledging even an imagined problem exists, by all accounts I've read, is a guarantee for dissolution. Not just in marriage, but also in life.

Non-sexual intimate touching builds self-worth and deepens bonds of marriage and friendship.

There's a lot I don't know about primitive man and the rise of nations - knowledge of which would surely belay my confusion. But I do believe this - adaptability is paramount in survival. And everything is an experiment. The idea behind Christ as a savior is brand new compared to the history of mankind, and it too will soon wane into the obscure. As will how we structure ourselves as individuals, as a family, and as a community. Much as we have gone from dwelling in caves to plugging into massive technological cities, so then shall we continue to mutate. And this will run hand-in-hand with better understanding of ourselves both individually, and collectively.

What does society gain by defining an opposition to human nature as normal then constructing an edifying framework around it?

I only know that I don't accept anyone's answers at face value. I desire to live outside the restrictive facsimile of what someone else says life is supposed to be. Its no longer enough for me to expire my own baselines, I need to test those of the status quo to ensure those who stand by it know why they do so. I wish to explore my own personal full potential, and that simply cannot be accomplished with the yoke of unquestioning acceptance around my neck.

I'm working to not care what other men do, or do not do, and I'm certainly not going to let their deprecated, archaic, uninspired belief systems judge me. They're not qualified to do so.

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2011-12-13 09:24

"Why are you asking?" I respond to my son. "Because I want to know." He replied. I explain that I knew he wanted to know by way of the question - he would not have asked it otherwise. "I want to know why you wanted to know, for therein lies the purpose of the question; without which there is no reason to ask." There was a time when my son was out of his toddler phase, and as children of that age are wont to do - very inquisitive about a myriad of things - would ask me a litany of ceaseless questions, most of which, when sufficiently answered would be followed up with,"How do you know?"

Comprehending empirical epistemology is not something I would expect from someone that young, not even my own offspring, yet the question merits an answer, even if to a small child its as comforting as, "I just do." Less comforting is that answer from an adult to another adult. Adults first have the cognitive ability of comprehension and secondly are not comforted by such hollow platitudes. When an adult asks of another adult why, "That's just how I feel" is never an acceptable answer. It can't be in order for culture to function, let alone thrive. Traditions are based upon reasons, and at some point, that reason may have changed. If it is not known why something is done, wherein lies its authority to be believed? (And for the record, "faith" is the opposite of authority - belief that is not based on proof.)

Look up the word character in the dictionary. Qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity.^* What the dictionary leaves out is that it would be foolish to define those qualities during times of peace and relative comfort. Its easy to have honesty and integrity when you're well-to-do, or courage when the toughest decision you face on a daily basis is which tie to wear to the office. No, character is defined under hardship or duress, when it goes against self-preservation or greed or hatred - a more Machiavellian causality; human nature.

If it can be agreed that the proof Job loved the Lord was in his suffering, not just because he believed it to be so, then it can also be agreed character is forged under those same conditions. Therefore, all things being equal, I submit to you happiness is defined similarly - under less than ideal circumstances; duress. Or if you prefer, Jung submits to you.^* Happiness is easy to find when everything is going great! Less so, when the source of that happiness is challenged.

"Many tend to believe happiness is a state in life without complications. How this became a predominate and vastly incorrect definition is a mystery. Who has that? Ever? Nobody. If you wait for a time in life that has no obstacles or difficulties before being happy, you will NEVER be happy."^*

So how to do you ensure that your own personal source of happiness is never threatened? YOU DON'T PLACE IT IN THAT WHICH CAN BE THREATENED! Encapsulate it intrinsically, and you will never be without it.

michelle1963 recently came across a "happiness quotient" webpage which put names to things I've been doing since my 20s, and things I have surprisingly identified in others! But within all this text is a lesson for myself as well. It would appear that though I am a genuinely happy person, only those of my own personality type recognize it, and as such I don't sometimes recognize genuine happiness in those outside *my* personality type. I would go so far as to say that I've learned that behavior I don't consider traits of happiness others do, and traits I thought expressed my happiness were taken as the opposite. In a word, fascinating!

Beware of how you interact with others, or you might be accused of the very things you accuse others of. The more I experience, the more I learn, the more I learn the more I grow. Different personality types might reflect each other entirely antithetical to our perceived projections, sometimes to our own peril. As my son might ask, how do you know someone is happy? How do you know if they're not? You don't. You can't - we, as a race, are too diverse.

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2011-12-10 08:45

I know, spirituality to you is a load of mumbo jumbo, but it does help people find peace with themselves. I'm not talking about religion. I'm talking about shedding yourself of guilt, of anger, of ill-feeling, of anything that makes you feel shame. And then you can focus all of your energy on ascending. I don't know what you truly believe about yourself. For all I know, you use your intelligence to compensate, to make yourself feel better for other things you think you may lack - I don't know. But maybe you could start reading your own mind? ~ Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Stargate: Atlantis [to Rodney McKay after he triggered an Ancient device which increased his cerebral activity and allowed him to read minds] (The Tao of Rodney)

In the not insubstantial task of attempting to catalog not only my own behavior, actions, intents and motivations but those same concepts in other key players, I have not only run across an old pet peeve, but have several times found myself spewing the same pet peeve I despise in others! I ask you, how is that even possible? Complexity. Given the complex nature of intertwined intellectual and emotional tendrils, separating them has not been a simple task. And this gives rise to sloppy secondary control mechanisms when wholly focused on completely draining primary mental activities.

That finally answered, I required a definition for this peculiar occurrence that I was now falling prey to myself. To set some ground rules, why yes pulling this plank from my own eye first gives me jesus-authority to remove the speck from yours! Additionally (and more secularly) since I don't live in a glass house that clearly affords me the freedom to throw rocks. Hey, I didn't make these parables up, I'm simply following them. That being said, let's discuss (y)our shortcomings!

So I have this aversion to substantiated wistfulness, with a side of expectation. Its complicated. Anyway, while I myself was prone to deep pining during the Romantic Period of my life, I've grown quite accustomed to the whirlwind events of what I like to call, "life" and the many changes it brings. And I assume that everyone learns about the same lessons about life that I do, and that if they haven't yet, an explanation of that lesson should be sufficient. Not sufficient enough for it to replace their actual experience, but enough to understand where I'm coming from. They don't have to live their life the way I live mine, but I do expect them to be able to comprehend my point of view as I attempt to comprehend theirs. So far so good?

Right. So my theory attempts to minimize that woe-is-me feeling of melancholy when you are aware of the events surrounding its conception. Surely by understanding the steps which precipitated the (potential) loss you wouldn't be as prone to its influence. Or would you? If the answer is yes, we're discussing grief and while these helpful tidbits may assist in accelerating the process, it won't supplant it. But if we're not - if we're just talking disappointment, or failed expectation - then knowing the *why* ought to be enough to offset that, right?

I was working on another project today and I required an online English-to-Latin translator. I pulled up the first two which hit on google and after I put in my word, but before I hit "Translate" I double-checked that it was set to English --> Latin. It was, and I proceeded. Much to my dismay it gave me a dictionary definition instead of translating it, and I noticed it had somehow flipped to Latin --> English. I sighed heavily and opened the other tab. It did the same thing! Curious, I looked up the word to discover its etymology - yep, you guys are way ahead of me - it was a latin word already. (And because

codekitten is going to ask, the word was quiesce.) Anyway, it dawned on me^* that perhaps I was doing that in r/l too? Trying to define things which already were, as I understand them, self-defined. I don't have to explain myself to anyone but myself, and I'm finding that the most challenging of all.

^{* - What photogoot would call one of my Water Cooler Moments.}

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2011-08-18 15:45

"'And I pray one prayer--I repeat it till my tongue stiffens--Catherine Earnshaw, may you not rest as long as I am living; you said I killed you--haunt me, then! The murdered DO haunt their murderers, I believe. I know that ghosts HAVE wandered on earth. Be with me always--take any form--drive me mad! only DO not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! it is unutterable! I CANNOT live without my life! I CANNOT live without my soul!'" ~Heathcliff, Wuthering Heights

My destiny isn't a fixed point in space. Its a goddamn explosion with a thousand points of light illuminating a dizzying array of possible paths, each as unique as they can be coming from a single source, and that source is me. Yet I am as varied as an atmospheric firework; uncontainable, forcibly ever-expanding, and swinging between minutely and grossly individual each and every time.

God but I hate self-pity. I remember one time I was sullen (I can count those times on my hand) and my girlfriend at the time asked me why. I confessed I was worried about one day becoming apathetic, as I couldn't convince myself of a way to always stave it off. She sneered. "Anyone who is as concerned as you are about apathy will never be subject to it." I've never forgotten that.

The definition of a self-fulfilling prophecy in psychology is that negative beliefs predict negative behavior (or problems in life). Surprisingly, the psychological explanation of a self-fulfilling prophecy is not that positive beliefs predict positive events.

A self-fulfilling prophecy is different than the Law of Attraction. The original psychological definition of a self-fulfilling prophecy is from Robert Merton: "a false definition of a situation evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come true."

In other words, what you believe will come true because you will subconsciously and consciously act in ways that cause the event to happen. Self-fulfilling prophecies are powerful, and real.^*

The problem with self-fulfilling prophesies, as seen above is that they do not create positive change. I deftly wrap my arms around all which I am responsible for without missing a beat because I awake every morning filled with joy and wonder.

Usually.

Here lately however, bedlam! I am unaccustomed to waking filled with fear and trepidation, and found it does not bode well for me or mine, for the responsibility I so effortlessly embrace then becomes a burden, and I allow it to destroy me. Stressors which I would normally not even notice I let pick at me - rather than deflect them subconsciously I was absorbing them at an alarming rate.

So I wrote my own future.

I stripped everything away, and stood unabashedly naked - not just without the earthly raiment of this vessel I wear, but without all the magical enchantments of protection in which I clad myself. For the first time in a long time, I stood completely vulnerable.

I changed my stars.

Like CGI armor in a bad movie I'd noticed that I was involuntarily protecting myself when I entered the waking realm - after seemingly endless dreams of running, hiding, relocating, living on the run (or even the one where I went back to Germany, this time to train on the world's first stealth self-propelled artillery - which looked like a cross between a Soviet-era BMP and [G.I. Joe] Wolverine's "tank" (it looks more like a MRL to me) - only it was freaking HUGE because it was also the world's largest ground armored troop transport...) But that wasn't me. Isn't me. And something had to give.

I'm back.

With nothing left to lose, I peeled away layer after layer of disenchantment and doubt and that which remained was holy, and magnificent. Unclean to clean. I was whole again. I cycled my staff to rearm, and girded myself with the armor of the ages - for our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the unseen forces of evil in the realms of attitude and mood. To stand firm with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the knowledge of peace. Take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helm of brilliance and the sword of self-confidence!

And I shall never leave this place again.

I am now fitted with the knowledge of what has transpired, and it will forever be on my radar, never to get this close to me again.

^{* http://www.suite101.com/content/selffulfilling-prophecies-a15843}

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2011-05-25 12:00

The little things. Sweat them not. Broad strokes are ideal for general feelings of well-being. We can always control broad strokes, even when using the Butterfly Effect of Chaos Theory - changing one very tiny thing to see how it unfolds. Less simple is attempting to control the outcome of many threads simultaneously. So don't. That path leads only to frustration. Learn instead to appreciate the outcomes you can control. In a word, yourself. You are the single-most important variable to any of your scenarios. You're also the easiest thing for you to manipulate. When you are finding it exceedingly difficult to change a situation you're unhappy with, change your perspective by changing yourself. Suddenly, its no longer an obstacle. Its an assist. Wow!

No, its not magic. And sure its difficult - anything worth doing is. But only its unfamiliarity makes it so. Start small. Try it with little things. Try it on for size. See how it feels. Don't go too far outside your comfort zone, but go far enough. What do I mean? Its like this: What you're doing now is obviously not working, so you really have nothing to lose, despite the initial discomfort of uncertainty. Once you've had a few small successes - and failures, don't forget the importance of failure - you can branch out even further. Utilize your newfound power on even larger issues to tackle. Bam!

Case in point: Recently I came up against a real prick of a Project Manager. While its true that it takes a certain personality type to excel in that role, its not a prerequisite to be a dick. Nonetheless, there are those who enjoy flexing muscles they're disallowed from flexing elsewhere in their lives. Regardless, I found myself stuck with him. My first reaction I'm now embarrassed to say was overt disdain. Mind you, I also had my reasons - very good reasons. But that doesn't make how I reacted any more honorable. As things were coming to a head, I decided on an alternate strategy. I would kill him with kindness!

Respect is earned. Nonetheless, I chose to pretend to respect this man, his position, and his authority. I thought that by pretending to respect him, at some point I might trick myself into *actually* respecting him. Guess what? It was easier than I anticipated. The more respectful I became, the less of a dick he was. I also found that he was good at what he did, and a strong contender to have in my corner when things on the project temporarily turned South. The best part? My life was now much, much easier. The conflict was gone and I greatly multiplied the effectiveness, and joy, in my daily activities. All these wonderful things because I chose to not be a dick back.

Its not magic. It just seems like it because its such a foreign concept. We all wonder from time to time how so-and-so manages to always seem so content at everything life is throwing at them. Now you know. The best part? This is one of those experiments you CAN try at home!

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The Empirical Manifesto

◾ Fingering the Muse

◾ Entries tagged withbehavior

Analogy

Pinhole Perspective

Clinical Narcissim

Andecdotal Narcissim

Genuineness

Got Anger?

"The Big Five"

Show Me!

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HEXAREQUISITE, Pt. II - Needs of the Spirit

A Spoonful of Sugar

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One Possible Future

Values: The Beating Heart of Behavior

The Lovers, The Dreamers, and Me

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