The Empirical Manifesto

Awoke early for non-prod maintenance and finished before noon. The house skipped church today but Cass' mom sent her a text of her expectations of Cass' day, mostly revolving around running errands for her and doing things complete with an expected timeline of events. The only thing I have to do today is laundry and pack the car. I'll get up when Cass leaves for work to say my goodbyes before I drive back to Kansas.

Ran to Smiths to pick up a prescription for her folks and filled her car while I was there. Cyra left for work while Cass went to...enumerate her tithes with the Bishop or some such. I stayed back to perform the aforementioned tasks I need to accomplish. I wanted to shoot the ABQ Temple (it's a gorgeous cloud day) however, if I get the opportunity to return, I may do it then. That said, since we didn't get around to it last night, Cyra proposed they get dressed up in their costumes this evening to take Halloween photos. I am absolutely in support of this idea!!

While everyone was gone from the house I also took the opportunity to shower. Both the employer and client laptop are packed, freeing very nearly all the counter space I was taking, and the only platform which remains is my personal, and everything except the camera and my clothes in the dryer are in the car. Met Cass and the girls at Cyra's work where we visited for just a bit before we went to pick up her dad's meds a third time at the pharmacy, and for the third time, we didn't get them. This time however, her brother dropped her dad off at the pharmacy where he and the pharmacist discussed whatever it was that was going on before taking him back home and picking up the girls.

When we finally returned home again, I finished reading aloud The Little Prince, Cyra came home, it rained on and off again, and the girls seemingly changed their mind about costumes and photos but also couldn't ever agree on which boardgame to play (update, we played Coffin Quiz) then watched the b-movie Lo and ate hamburgers.

Afterward the girls dispersed and Cass and I watched A Room with a View.

It was an exceedingly slow day at work, and for the first time since I arrived I was completely alone in the house for the majority of the day. Spent most of that (as Cass put it) hyper-fixating on our kiss. Perhaps, but I also took the opportunity to shower and dress for the day. Eventually the girls arrived home, then later, Cass.

Abbs went to spend overnight with her father (who ended up leaving her at home alone most of the evening), Cyra went to work, and Kaylie retired to her bedroom. Cass and I ended up ordering craft pizza and cannoli's, snuggling on the couch, and watching Johnathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. As is often our pattern, we paused the show numerous times to engage in conversation, and this was no exception. We strayed deep into our relationship which, I believe, left us both feeling....frustrated for lack of a better word. We got dressed and went to bring Cyra dinner while she was at work. As we walked in Cass saw a couple she hadn't seen in the better part of year (and as the wife had a sweatshirt emblazoned with BYU across the chest) I extricated myself from her waist as she approached them. Cyra was behind the counter staring intently at me with a mix of surprise, and concern.

"What's wrong?" was the first words out of her mouth. I smiled, "Nothing? Why?"
"Something is wrong."
"How do you mean?"
"Your body language."
I explained how I didn't wish to make her mother uncomfortable in front of people I didn't know by fading all over here, especially given the spurious nature of our relationship.
"That's not it."
"How do you know?" I queried.
"Your body language, I pick up on it because of growing up with father."
"Ah, trauma response."
"Exactly. So what's wrong?"
Using a Star Wars reference I replied, "Your mom and I were engaged in aggressive negotiations."

The fact that she could read my emotional landscape so well despite my masking everything else was a surprise to me. A rather sad and unique gift I was unaware she possessed. Later, this lead to a longer-conversation on body language. Having watched so many police procedural shows and YouTube interrogation videos, I wondered if I myself, might display unwarranted signs - the answer is obviously yes - but I told them I often cross both my arms and legs when I am in fact, not being, "closed off." They had both noticed and explained it was a self-soothing technique, not uncommon amongst those on the spectrum. So that was fascinating to discover as well; it's simply an anxiety response.

We were back on the couch by the time Cyra returned home from work. Cass asked me to make her a Blue Bell back cherry milkshake, so I pointed at the wall behind Cyra and asked her, "What is that?" She turned around and I kissed Cass; the first time I've done so in front of a daughter (and then only after finding out she told the couple she met we were, "kinda" dating.)

We were talking about people she'd dated in the past who felt comfortable smacking her on the ass and her resultant reactions to that. I let her know I would engage in no such activity without first receiving her express permission. She gave me an odd look. I was absolutely appalled to hear I'd lovingly grabbed her ass during an embrace earlier that evening - in front of her kids no less. Appalled also because I had (and have) zero recollection of that. I began apologizing profusely but thankfully she saw the entire display as a sign of how comfortable I was with her these past weeks, so she took no offense.

We fell asleep at midnight.

Was asleep by midnight and up at 0530. Sipped coffee on the back porch in a sweatshirt as it was quite cool out. Drove Cass to work, then headed back to the house to pick up Kaylie to get her to the bus stop. Despite being early, she was already walking but thank goodness she was wearing the wolf ears she got at Spirit Halloween, because it was the only way I recognized her silhouette in the morning sun. Work started promptly at its 0800 Mountain Time (which is slowly killing me) and if things remain unchanged, I leave at 1300 to pick up Cass from work. Both of us have tomorrow off.

Yet it is not yet tomorrow and today is slow. I've swapped my nightly Carmel Apple Delight tea for a Cinnamon Hibiscus while I write New Mexico, New Beginnings -Chapter 11 while listening to The Queen's Gambit. This, my last week here, and I am plagued with wondering whether or not I will spiral - perhaps just a bit - when I return., and whether or not it will bring clarity in its wake. Ultimately, none of it is up to me, so I wait. But then it gets busy at work. Such is the nature of my beast.

Picked up Cass at work and since I was driving she was able to secure us appointments for spa day and make dinner reservations. From there I dropped her off at the house, picked up Kaylie at the bus stop (we went to the local WARHAMMER store) then took her to counseling. From there I came home, made a grocery list, went to the grocery store , picked up Kaylie, got us Dutch Brothers, came home, and started prepping dinner. Yes, I finally got to eat those delicious-looking chicken salad sandwiches she was so often sending me. I ate two.

We took another, albeit shorter, hike, and I finally read her New Mexico, New Beginnings. We ended up on the couch watching Johnathon Strange and Mr. Norrell.

It's been a day of whirlwind emotions and I don't know why. I think subconsciously I'm processing living the remainder of my life without Cass as a lover, wife, and partner, which may be triggering some fear which is causing me to act slightly out-of-character. None of these are good things when you're working to establish consistency in a new relationship. So in that regard, I don't blame her. She also wanted me to stay through the next weekend - which I was thrilled to do - but now have to work what will very likely be a half day Sunday. So not only will I likely miss church, it will eat into our last day together for who knows how long. But, I'm thinking positive as we've talked about shorter, more frequent visits. Though I will have to get the Caddy serviced when I get back before I drive out here again.

And speaking of subconscious, I'm pretty sure that plays into my whirlwind of emotions. I'm still processing the divorce, and healing, and being here with her best friend of many years brings a lot of that to the forefront. It is rather humorous when she starts discussing the divorce I always have to stop her and ask, "Yours or mine?" Because neither of us ever saw this coming. We're just trying to play the hand we've been dealt, which often is wrought with uncertainty, and everything which follows in uncertainty's wake.

We still have some events planned - a formal dinner date and spa day, but sadly we're going to miss the ballet in ABQ and Vivaldi in Sante Fe. I've made tentative plans to drive to Wichita to spend the weekend with my daughter and Topeka to spend the weekend with my son next month.

After work I took the girls to dinner at Red Robin (because Weck's is closed on Monday) then the to the mall. We got home after dark. I don't remember if I mentioned this previously, but Kaylie was so enamored with Gothic Novel that she wanted to create her own mix from the story she's been writing. She finally installed Audacity and I gave her an overview of how to use the tools then she just ran with it. She's been locked away in her room ever since pounding out her own unique mix.

I started reading The Little Prince aloud to Cass this evening (I've never read it) in lieu of sitting in front of the television, but as invariably happens, we delved into deep discussion. My therapy session is this Thursday (we're both off that day so will be able to both attend) and she wants me to bring up what we talked about - that being - perhaps those things which I have been told about myself manifest as fear in believing them to be true. I hope one of us remembers :P

Getting to bed before midnight tonight which is very nearly unheard of. That said, getting up early to take Cass into work tomorrow.

Slept 9-hours straight before getting dressed and helping Cass with the AirBNB. Took a shower when I got home as it was nearing time for Production Maintenance, which, due to Mountain Time, means it will end an hour earlier for me than normal.

In answer to my query yesterday of "...if you remain emotionally unavailable for the duration of my stay, what will there be to process?" She replied, "Why would you think that? I'll be processing your loss in my life here - whether I'm emotionally available or not, it will be felt, and require processing."

THAT SAID, I've been taking a backseat the last 10-days awaiting Cass' comfort level before I began courting her in earnest, and she's apparently been waiting for me to court her the past 10-days. We did discuss how for two communicators, we probably could've done better with that one. She attributes it to each of us following tangental thoughts to their logical conclusions missing completely the central crux of the conversation. I couldn't disagree. I've been observing, she's been waiting for me to start. When she asked me WHY I've been so reticent the last 10-days I admitted it was fear and fear alone.

Now that I have the green-light to proceed, I'll instead be leaving earlier than I had hoped. The duration of my visit has caused some issues with the youngest. Not to fear, we were anticipating this. It was, after all, a data gathering mission. I will be sad to go, but have several activities to keep me occupied/distracted while I'm away - a foundation photoshoot and a Halloween Ball to attend. Though now that I say that, I have no idea if Dorian is going to the Ball as well. That'll be...interesting. Especially given she knows exactly where I am (and probably what I'm doing here) since I posted the Homecoming photos on Facebook.

Not looking forward to the drive home, but absolutely looking forward to the drive back, whenever that may be. We've talked about a series of shorter visits more frequently to see if that helps with the youngest. One step at a time, and we'll figure it all out. Now that I have the green light, nothing in the 'verse can stop me.

Can't remember which day this happened, but was in the midst of one of our conversations when she began anew on one of her favorite subjects: there is someone out there better suited for me than her. Fine, I love waxing poetic about why I've chosen her over this non-existent magical creature. This time however, she gave actual specifics - and all of them were measurable social accomplishments; things which mean absolutely nothing to me - I do not judge a person based on these things. What's important to me is who you are are, how you think, what motivates you, what are your values and how that manifests within you. Not...social accomplishments. I let her know I was...dismayed that these things were obviously what she found important in herself and other people, and that I would be unable to work with that.

What's interesting is how much I've already learned just by being here. This is just one example. I know I can't think of everything, which is why I enjoy others' perspectives so much. I couldn't think of any other reason for her articulating the social accomplishments until she gave me one: insecurity. It was as if my eyes had been opened. It made sense to me. I better understood. And that I can work with.

I later watched a handful of unrelated videos about avoidants (Tess called it self-sabotage), and how it feels to be in love with one. Gotta say, hit pretty close to home. She's far more communicative than the examples, far more emotionally mature, and much less selfish. But I am feeling everything exactly as described nonetheless, and apparently that's an issue with my own lack of boundaries. I'm looking forward to sharing these videos with Cass to get her thoughts. To be clear, if this is what plagues us, this is something I can absolutely work with, and won't feel the need to walk away from - one of the fantastic things about my relationship with her is our ability to communicate and our willingness to try to overcome challenges. I'm very curious to see where she wants things to go if she sees us in these videos.

Avoidant future faking
Avoidants try to keep the door open after a discard
If severe avoidants were HONEST
Don’t ENABLE the avoidant!
Why are avoidants SO hard to get over?
Why is the connection so STRONG with an avoidant?
Avoidant, or just not that into you?

This next part hits a little close to home as well, and while I cannot take full responsibility for the dissolution of my marriage, I do wonder if setting boundaries may have, in part, at least extended it. Not that it was my goal to prolong the inevitable, but it is worth noting.

-- time passes --

We took Kaylie to Occupational Therapy and watched the videos in the car. I think Cass was initially aghast, but as we went through them, she could see why I thought that was hitting close to home. Yes, some of the phrases she'd used had been identical, and yes, out of that same insecurity as above, and she could also see how I correlated my own lack of defined boundaries. She then re-clarified her position, which I...may have forgotten in the intervening week I've been here.

Which led to my comment the other day that she, "didn't care whether I was here or not" which yes, she said, but that was in no way what she meant. It stung me when she said it, and stung her that I thought that's what she meant (didn't care if one was here or not [much as I do not require my children to halt their lives to be with me during holidays]). Since both of us got our feelings bruised needlessly, we've decided to not do that anymore. Abbs asked, "Isn't that just human nature?" To which Cass replied, "Sometimes, but we can strive to do better," which I found an overwhelmingly positive answer <3 Indeed, its only happened like...twice in two and a half years.

I'm also enjoying nightly prayers way more than I thought I would. When she mentioned her and girls say nightly prayers, I surprised myself by asking if I could be included. She wasn't entirely sure how she felt about that at the time, but by the time I got here, it was just kind of natural since we were all already together. It was far less weird than I thought it would be, but after a week, I really starting enjoying them; the few minutes of quiet time we all spent together, the discussion which sometimes followed, and of course my favorite, the outpouring of gratitude. I was moved when she prayed for both her ex-husband and his new wife, but also for Dorian to find peace. I was equally surprised when she prayed for guidance as we navigated our potential future relationship. I find I look forward to them each and every night.

Was tired enough after our early start, full day, and two mile walk that I was downright excited to get to sleep by midnight. That's when Cassie did something she hasn't done in the previous five days I've been here: She sat down next to the bed, and talked until 0300.

Her daughter woke me two hours later to take her to school.

Don't get me wrong - I was thrilled we got to exchange so much information. It was super difficult to not fall in love with her all over again. I'm really trying hard to maintain composure and keep as much as possible tamped down so I don't have a resurgent chemical flood. I have my good days and my bad days. I'm also purposefully over-analyzing everything. That said, I've decided I suck at, "living in the present." Sure it's great short-term, and I'm glad some personality types can pull that off effortlessly. I'm not one of them, apparently.

We had a nice lunch just the two of us before we went grocery shopping, then we both got back to work. While the majority of the house is gone, I'm going to shower and see if I can nap.

-- time passes --

Didn't actually think I was going to fall asleep, but woke up from a dream where I had said something to Cass which made her cry, I wish you hadn't told me that she'd said - I was frantic because I couldn't remember what it was I'd told her. Clearly, I had napped rather hard, because Abbs returned with her mother just as I sat up, and with genuine concern asked me, "Are you okay, Eric?" Before I could answer Kaylie comes in, faces me, and asks, "Did you have a good nap?" Guess I was out of it.

Then - OMG - we were in the grocery store after visiting Cyra at work and it was too late to start dinner, so the kids were picking up frozen pizzas and the like and as we were checking out I exclaimed, "Wait, Cass! You didn't get anything for you," to which she replied, "I'm not worried about it." 😮 Like, that's totally been my line since Salina.

We talked on and off all day long. I mention to people that we talk, and based on their comments, I'm unsure they're aware the things we discuss revolve around philosophies, boundaries, emotional maturity, how we could have better handled past situations, how our strengths and weaknesses manifest themselves both in and out of relationships, alignment of values, as well as our fears, hopes, and dreams. I stay not because I don't know my worth, but because I do. Equally as important, I know hers.

Awoke under my own power at 0930. Missed General Conference today instead starting with a Cass visit on the back porch which culminated in cleaning the AirBNB, followed by a visit to her mom and dad's, then out to the Noe's new place for her to learn how to use the riding mower and to receive a blessing. We didn't get home until after dark.

Learned the hard way how to answer, "How do you know Cassie?"
Apparently Cassie tells them, "I've known Eric for years, my kids grew up with him around."

I answered, "My ex-wife's best friend," which led to the follow-up question, "Oh, are they still friends?"

I'm so bad at this.

I worked on homecoming photos while everyone else started dinner (leftovers) and we finished the night watching the next episode of Why Women Kill. Thinking of going to bed a couple of hours early to steel ourselves for the work week ahead.

Awoke at 0700, had a cup of coffee on the back porch overlooking industrial Pat D'Arco avenue. Cassie got home from running the girls to school then went back to bed as I took my 0800 Telehealth call with Tess. By the time that was over Cass was out the door, working 1000-1530. I met her halfway through her day and went shopping at the local health food store, then bought the bulk of our meal prep at the local grocery store when she got home. Got to visit with her middle child after school, but her youngest is still acting out-of-character. I say our meal prep but since Cass was off on a Friday night for the first time in a very long time (she usually works until midnight), she wanted to do the majority of the cooking single-handlely. While dinner was cooking she introduced me to the show, "Why Women Kill." I wondered aloud over her motives for doing so.

We did not get to bed early (again), instead sitting on the back porch and visiting until 0200. We both have the opportunity to sleep in tomorrow <3