Cass - Day 16

[ehowton]

It was an exceedingly slow day at work, and for the first time since I arrived I was completely alone in the house for the majority of the day. Spent most of that (as Cass put it) hyper-fixating on our kiss. Perhaps, but I also took the opportunity to shower and dress for the day. Eventually the girls arrived home, then later, Cass.

Abbs went to spend overnight with her father (who ended up leaving her at home alone most of the evening), Cyra went to work, and Kaylie retired to her bedroom. Cass and I ended up ordering craft pizza and cannoli's, snuggling on the couch, and watching Johnathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. As is often our pattern, we paused the show numerous times to engage in conversation, and this was no exception. We strayed deep into our relationship which, I believe, left us both feeling....frustrated for lack of a better word. We got dressed and went to bring Cyra dinner while she was at work. As we walked in Cass saw a couple she hadn't seen in the better part of year (and as the wife had a sweatshirt emblazoned with BYU across the chest) I extricated myself from her waist as she approached them. Cyra was behind the counter staring intently at me with a mix of surprise, and concern.

"What's wrong?" was the first words out of her mouth. I smiled, "Nothing? Why?"
"Something is wrong."
"How do you mean?"
"Your body language."
I explained how I didn't wish to make her mother uncomfortable in front of people I didn't know by fading all over here, especially given the spurious nature of our relationship.
"That's not it."
"How do you know?" I queried.
"Your body language, I pick up on it because of growing up with father."
"Ah, trauma response."
"Exactly. So what's wrong?"
Using a Star Wars reference I replied, "Your mom and I were engaged in aggressive negotiations."

The fact that she could read my emotional landscape so well despite my masking everything else was a surprise to me. A rather sad and unique gift I was unaware she possessed. Later, this lead to a longer-conversation on body language. Having watched so many police procedural shows and YouTube interrogation videos, I wondered if I myself, might display unwarranted signs - the answer is obviously yes - but I told them I often cross both my arms and legs when I am in fact, not being, "closed off." They had both noticed and explained it was a self-soothing technique, not uncommon amongst those on the spectrum. So that was fascinating to discover as well; it's simply an anxiety response.

We were back on the couch by the time Cyra returned home from work. Cass asked me to make her a Blue Bell back cherry milkshake, so I pointed at the wall behind Cyra and asked her, "What is that?" She turned around and I kissed Cass; the first time I've done so in front of a daughter (and then only after finding out she told the couple she met we were, "kinda" dating.)

We were talking about people she'd dated in the past who felt comfortable smacking her on the ass and her resultant reactions to that. I let her know I would engage in no such activity without first receiving her express permission. She gave me an odd look. I was absolutely appalled to hear I'd lovingly grabbed her ass during an embrace earlier that evening - in front of her kids no less. Appalled also because I had (and have) zero recollection of that. I began apologizing profusely but thankfully she saw the entire display as a sign of how comfortable I was with her these past weeks, so she took no offense.

We fell asleep at midnight.