Cass - Day 6

[ehowton]

Was tired enough after our early start, full day, and two mile walk that I was downright excited to get to sleep by midnight. That's when Cassie did something she hasn't done in the previous five days I've been here: She sat down next to the bed, and talked until 0300.

Her daughter woke me two hours later to take her to school.

Don't get me wrong - I was thrilled we got to exchange so much information. It was super difficult to not fall in love with her all over again. I'm really trying hard to maintain composure and keep as much as possible tamped down so I don't have a resurgent chemical flood. I have my good days and my bad days. I'm also purposefully over-analyzing everything. That said, I've decided I suck at, "living in the present." Sure it's great short-term, and I'm glad some personality types can pull that off effortlessly. I'm not one of them, apparently.

We had a nice lunch just the two of us before we went grocery shopping, then we both got back to work. While the majority of the house is gone, I'm going to shower and see if I can nap.

-- time passes --

Didn't actually think I was going to fall asleep, but woke up from a dream where I had said something to Cass which made her cry, I wish you hadn't told me that she'd said - I was frantic because I couldn't remember what it was I'd told her. Clearly, I had napped rather hard, because Abbs returned with her mother just as I sat up, and with genuine concern asked me, "Are you okay, Eric?" Before I could answer Kaylie comes in, faces me, and asks, "Did you have a good nap?" Guess I was out of it.

Then - OMG - we were in the grocery store after visiting Cyra at work and it was too late to start dinner, so the kids were picking up frozen pizzas and the like and as we were checking out I exclaimed, "Wait, Cass! You didn't get anything for you," to which she replied, "I'm not worried about it." 😮 Like, that's totally been my line since Salina.

We talked on and off all day long. I mention to people that we talk, and based on their comments, I'm unsure they're aware the things we discuss revolve around philosophies, boundaries, emotional maturity, how we could have better handled past situations, how our strengths and weaknesses manifest themselves both in and out of relationships, alignment of values, as well as our fears, hopes, and dreams. I stay not because I don't know my worth, but because I do. Equally as important, I know hers.