Cass - Day 8

[ehowton]

Can't remember which day this happened, but was in the midst of one of our conversations when she began anew on one of her favorite subjects: there is someone out there better suited for me than her. Fine, I love waxing poetic about why I've chosen her over this non-existent magical creature. This time however, she gave actual specifics - and all of them were measurable social accomplishments; things which mean absolutely nothing to me - I do not judge a person based on these things. What's important to me is who you are are, how you think, what motivates you, what are your values and how that manifests within you. Not...social accomplishments. I let her know I was...dismayed that these things were obviously what she found important in herself and other people, and that I would be unable to work with that.

What's interesting is how much I've already learned just by being here. This is just one example. I know I can't think of everything, which is why I enjoy others' perspectives so much. I couldn't think of any other reason for her articulating the social accomplishments until she gave me one: insecurity. It was as if my eyes had been opened. It made sense to me. I better understood. And that I can work with.

I later watched a handful of unrelated videos about avoidants (Tess called it self-sabotage), and how it feels to be in love with one. Gotta say, hit pretty close to home. She's far more communicative than the examples, far more emotionally mature, and much less selfish. But I am feeling everything exactly as described nonetheless, and apparently that's an issue with my own lack of boundaries. I'm looking forward to sharing these videos with Cass to get her thoughts. To be clear, if this is what plagues us, this is something I can absolutely work with, and won't feel the need to walk away from - one of the fantastic things about my relationship with her is our ability to communicate and our willingness to try to overcome challenges. I'm very curious to see where she wants things to go if she sees us in these videos.

Avoidant future faking
Avoidants try to keep the door open after a discard
If severe avoidants were HONEST
Don’t ENABLE the avoidant!
Why are avoidants SO hard to get over?
Why is the connection so STRONG with an avoidant?
Avoidant, or just not that into you?

This next part hits a little close to home as well, and while I cannot take full responsibility for the dissolution of my marriage, I do wonder if setting boundaries may have, in part, at least extended it. Not that it was my goal to prolong the inevitable, but it is worth noting.

-- time passes --

We took Kaylie to Occupational Therapy and watched the videos in the car. I think Cass was initially aghast, but as we went through them, she could see why I thought that was hitting close to home. Yes, some of the phrases she'd used had been identical, and yes, out of that same insecurity as above, and she could also see how I correlated my own lack of defined boundaries. She then re-clarified her position, which I...may have forgotten in the intervening week I've been here.

Which led to my comment the other day that she, "didn't care whether I was here or not" which yes, she said, but that was in no way what she meant. It stung me when she said it, and stung her that I thought that's what she meant (didn't care if one was here or not [much as I do not require my children to halt their lives to be with me during holidays]). Since both of us got our feelings bruised needlessly, we've decided to not do that anymore. Abbs asked, "Isn't that just human nature?" To which Cass replied, "Sometimes, but we can strive to do better," which I found an overwhelmingly positive answer <3 Indeed, its only happened like...twice in two and a half years.

I'm also enjoying nightly prayers way more than I thought I would. When she mentioned her and girls say nightly prayers, I surprised myself by asking if I could be included. She wasn't entirely sure how she felt about that at the time, but by the time I got here, it was just kind of natural since we were all already together. It was far less weird than I thought it would be, but after a week, I really starting enjoying them; the few minutes of quiet time we all spent together, the discussion which sometimes followed, and of course my favorite, the outpouring of gratitude. I was moved when she prayed for both her ex-husband and his new wife, but also for Dorian to find peace. I was equally surprised when she prayed for guidance as we navigated our potential future relationship. I find I look forward to them each and every night.