The Empirical Manifesto

The wind was blowing something fierce outside, and it was dark out, too. Loneliness and dark seemed to ride alongside each other, hand-in-hand, like spiteful lovers. Sleet had been falling since dusk, collecting together like positively-charged ions, encasing everything, not unlike a tomb. Ruby herself was covered in an ever growing layer of tiny balls of ice. A frozen sepulcher she thought. And though her thick layer of blubber kept her body warm, her heart was as cold as the frozen rain which covered her, causing an involuntary shiver.

Days before she'd been happy. For the first-time-in-her-life-happy. The kind of happiness that only being with a kindred spirit and mate can bring. Like having the missing piece to the puzzle of true joy all to yourself, and never sharing. And while it was true that Banjo was no walrus in the bedroom, she'd had her fill of whoring around the ice shelf and was content just to let him have his way with her every evening, because she knew his love was sincere. She often mused that one of the advantages of him being slightly-retarded was his capacity for lack of comprehension and the simplicity which followed. Ruby felt she would be able to keep him happy forever, as she spread her flippers for him once again.

Word had come that the walrus princess, Her Most Prismatic and Humble Majesty, Rubi the Demure had issued an edict that any non-walrus living on an ice shelf was subject to be eaten, effective immediately. There would be no more social intermingling among the species. And while Banjo hadn't understood what the missive had meant, nay, even what the word 'edict' implied, his simply curiosity had been sparked when Ruby turned and bit him, taking a chunk out of his backside. When he screamed like a weasel, her surprised bark led him to believe she was acting out of instinct alone, but then he saw her copy of the new ruling, and laid eyes upon the portrait of Her Most Prismatic and Humble Majesty, Rubi. The Deumre. And something snapped. That's when Ruby barked a second time, for another reason entirely. Banjo showed no mercy as he took her again.

HMPHM Rubi the Demure, it is true, was difficult to define. Her reign as princesses was characterized by legendary modesty and a heart which overflowed with compassion and grace. She ruled the known-walrus world with an iron bar wrapped gingerly in lightly-scented cashmere; an unprecedented move which had placed the walrus as the greatest power the caps of the earth had ever seen, supplanting the polar bears as the ruling class. And she was as wise as an entire council of walrii, which is how she managed to retain her position for as long as she had - there were none who could out-think her. With no known weakness to her character, she was already in the history books as the most fair of all rulers of all the lands, ever. Not even vanity touched her, despite her epic beauty being the basis of contemplation and admiration for all future generations until the end of time itself.

Banjo packed quickly and wordlessly that night, leaving before the sleet started while a crushed Ruby cried hot tears of loss. He never noticed. His mildly-retarded mind's eye kept playing over and over what he had seen. A walrus like no other. A walrus so magnificent that he could not even fathom his own existence without her in it. He grabbed the flier and set out to posses the unobtainable.

Ruby was now the most popular walrus on the ice shelf! Everyone wanted a piece of Ruby!

Well, at least all the guy walruses liked her. She didn't have any girl walrus friends. They were nasty to her and called her unfair names.

Poor, poor Ruby!

One day, Ruby was minding her own business, humming along to a song her mama had taught her, back when she was just that little pup:

"One ^day you'll _be blubbery ^and fat, _with long ^strong tusks _for grousing ^at this _and that."

She was just finishing up her song when a group of girl walruses accosted her!

OH NOES!

They asked Ruby why she hated herself. Ruby (being smarter than all the other walruses), carved out hateful words describing her true feelings about life, the universe, and everything so that all the other walruses could read them.

After that, things were different for Ruby. Since people knew what was in her walrus heart, they stopped wanting to be with Ruby, even when she was displaying uninhibited depravity! Furthermore, as news of her walrus words got around, it seemed to upset everyone, even her mama!

To make everything right again, Ruby (being smarter than all the other walruses), soon found a way to erase the hateful words, thus undoing the harm that had been done! Now everyone on the ice shelf would be her friend again, because her words were now gone.

But her words had been written upon more than just the cold ice. Because they were written with hate, they were also written upon the minds and hearts of everyone else on the ice shelf.

Ruby learned that while you can let your proverbial walrus knickers down here and again, you can never let down your guard.