Actions, Attitude, and Behavior

2024 - Tenth Session

Geekfriend wanted me to see a psychologist instead of a therapist. However, there are no psychologists in my area. Tess did tell me the only difference between therapists and psychologists was their ability to perform standardized tests, which I would simply blow through anyway.

This session I told her that I'm used to being the one who people come to for ideas on unique perspectives, but when I first fell in love with Cass, I realized she was my peer in this endeavor - that she had her own unique perspectives which I found refreshing- and how that has mutated over the last year to a bit of role-reversal, as I have learned so much from her. Not merely learned, but in the way she alone has challenged me, I have expired my old way of thinking and have been drawing new conclusions; how absolutely wonderful that was to be challenged in the way she challenges me, the way no one else ever has. And yes, how surely that is part of my attraction to her, and how given the events over the past two years, I imagine it persisting throughout the rest of my life were I to spend it with her.

We touched briefly on the importance of shared values, which I explained were nearly identical, despite Cass sometimes feeling otherwise, and why - that the values Cass holds are simply synonyms for, or subsumed under my own, giving her a couple of examples. She agreed and moved on.

Tess explained that Cass struggles internally with the relationship with her former best friend, but was amazed at how gentle I am with simply providing different perspectives and sitting back waiting for her patiently to do her own processing. I told Tess she does the same with me, and it's simply beautiful when she does. I foresee a lifetime of growth ahead of us both given our unique relationship and thirst for knowledge and continuous improvement.

When I mentioned Geekfriend's opinion on the matter, Tess asked if it was possible she was just jealous. Pretty sure my mouth dropped open. "What?!?!?! Absolutely not!" So then I had to describe the nature of my relationship with her, which admittedly is difficult to do. So much so, I don't plan to ever attempt it again. I did leave out the part about the giant elf penis which will ultimately end up on my daughter's wall, because I believe that would be too much for any therapist to wrap their head around. When I mentioned this to Geekfriend, once again she mentioned not being surprised at all, and had expected it. I of course did not expect it. At all. It was great for a laugh though.

Cass is scheduled to join us via TELEHEALTH for three sessions starting next month. If she enjoys/finds value in it, I can extend those, but its a great start.

New Mexico, New Beginnings - Chapter 9

When I fell in love with my first wife, it was based upon shared interests. That and she was interested in me. Yes, I was at that point in my life. Ultimately, that's not sustainable. We had a good 10 years, and a tumultuous five. Though I did not marry young, as often happens in first marriages, it helped facilitate figuring out not only who I was, but more importantly, who I wanted to be. It was during this period I far exceeded my potential in personal growth. I left her because I wanted to raise my children without the volatility she expressed while we were together. I knew I couldn't be the father I wanted to be while married to her, and that gamble paid off in the end; it was absolutely the right decision to make despite how difficult it was to do so. It took me two full years to recover.

When I fell in love with her cousin - who blew me away with her intellect, processing, and emotional maturity - it was very different. I was attracted to her, but the physical manifestation didn't kick in until she acknowledged it was mutual. I was standing on the front porch of the Newton house, and told her what I was feeling. Only after she admitted the same did the earth shift underneath my feet and the barometric pressure dropped - like a sonic boom reverberating through me. It was powerful, and surprised me because I'd never felt anything like that before. Ultimately, our entire relationship was predicated on the trauma inflicted upon us both, and I foolishly believed then that baggage could simply be, "overcome." I was wrong, and the realization left me in anguish. Walking away was not easy and the guilt weighed on me for years, but I simply could not carry on. I remember being frightened of everything, most of which wasn't even ever real, and that fear played a large part in the baggage I was carrying.

My second wife was far different. I'm pretty sure she was looking for a hookup, and I was simply looking for platonic companionship at the time. But the more time we spent together, the more we enjoyed each other's company, until we were spending all of our free time with one another. Eventually one thing did lead to another and we ended up dating for five years - I was not looking to get back into the marriage ring, but when she moved out once as an expression of her displeasure, l knew then and there I needed to act. My first wife's cousin told me, "Marry her." And we had another several years of great times. I found that I enjoyed life with her, more than I did without her, and will always look upon our time together with great fondness - I do not regret a single moment. There were no sonic booms, nor shifting earths; I once likened it to concrete which takes awhile to cure, but once it does, becomes impenetrable. Well, at least that's what I thought at the time. I attribute our breakup to her exceeding her own potential, requiring things I simply could not give, and having gone through that myself, I understood. I only wish she was able to articulate that, rather than uncharacteristically wielding fault and blame.

When I fell in love with her best friend, well, it required no mutual acknowledgement - I did all that on my own, completely independent of her. A full-on flood of chemicals dumped directly into my bloodstream forever changing my physiology and brain chemistry in a matter of moments. The chemical overload easily lasted six months, and was, by far, the most confusing, enlightening, infuriating, delightful thing I have ever experienced. In the intervening 18-months it no longer controls me, but I am still influenced by it. I had no idea such a thing could be as powerful, and as humbling as this is. I have relentlessly pursued her for two full years. I have reinvented myself from the ground up in the most amazing ways I never thought possible. While it looks very different than I thought it would, everything about this feels right. Never before have I made decisions fueled on emotion alone, yet here I am, unable still to articulate how or why she has made such an impact upon me. She is everything I have ever hoped for, prayed for, and desired - challenging me in ways no one before her ever has. As we slowly inch toward commitment, the more mini-earthquakes occur in my body, and in my soul. I am unsure I've actually mentioned to her that these chemicals flow through me still - because I am absolutely convinced the power of our emotional connection alone power them - and feel they are now forever a part of me. "What if they go away?" she might ask. I would reply only this: With our shared love for each individual pillar of true intimacy, coupled with her loyalty and my joy, nothing on this earth nor the next will ever minimize the impact she has made upon me, and I will fight heaven and hell both to keep her. Within me is a fire which will never die out, even if I wanted it to, as long as that emotional connection is lovingly maintained.