New Mexico, New Beginnings - Chapter 10

I told her I would give her two full years to heal from her divorce before I started pursuing her, but that I would pursue her. The reprieve never happened, and I blame, in part, myself. I was subtle of course, with my gentle affirmations, but four things conspired against me waiting two years:

• My wife was really wanted me to get a girlfriend, pushing me to pursue her best friend; seduce her; bring her into the fold. While I'm sure we talked about it often under a variety of circumstances, the ones I remember the most are the ones where we were passionately engaged in lovemaking. While deep inside her she'd say things like, "Oh I can't wait for you to do this to Cassie," and suddenly exactly that filled my head. I can't say for sure if it was done purposely or not, but that imagery coupled with the emotion at the moment makes for some awfully powerful manifestation imagery. Afterwards of course, still laying in bed, I would often bring up Cassie and I cooking together in the kitchen. It warms my heart those are the memories Cassie retains to this day when she thinks back on me.
  
  
• Cassie, at some point, wanted to begin dating. This was well ahead of my timeline, which no doubt spurned me to shorten the start of my quest. I didn't do so independent of council. Geekfriend explained, "I'm not surprised it took you two years to heal, because men tend to want to process absolutely everything first, then seek. Women form new attachments quicker, choosing instead to heal and process in the background once that new relationship is established.
  
  
• This one is on me: I absolutely could not quit her, no matter how hard I tried. I would blame the chemicals flooding my bloodstream alone, but I was able to mostly temper them with my cognitive ability. Mostly. My desire fueled my interactions; I marveled at her willingness and ability to communicate, to be transparent, to be vulnerable - everything I crave in a relationship. Her knowledge and curiosity matched my own, while her propensity for philosophical discussion at times exceeded mine. She was a powerful aphrodisiac and I was entirely incapable of resisting it.
  
  
• Cassie is way too smart to be fooled. What I thought were subtle, gentle affirmations, she correctly identified and articulated what they really were - love letters. She saw right through me, and always has.
  

So no, I did not wait two years. Taking all the above into account, I have been pursuing her relentlessly the entire time.

How to Find Peace

I posted this about various Wargaming collaborations in a World of Warships group, but when removed from that context, it can and should be applied so liberally across your own thinking that it starts to become automatic:

I get it, I do. You don't like anime, you don't like non-historical commanders, you don't like childish collaborations based off comic books, toys, or children's cartoons, and you don't see what any of that would have to do with an arcade-style game based off real-world events with actual historical ships. Perhaps you even believe it's an affront to World War II, because your great-grandfather, who taught you everything you know about close-mindedness, served. Again, I get it. The fact you've joined a group to complain about all the things you dislike because it's a, "public forum" is awfully revealing about how you see the world - it gives those of us who don't feel like ceaselessly bitching about everything all the time the tools to measure and judge your emotional prowess, or in this specific case, the absence thereof.

That aside, I'd like to *attempt* to help you understand how the world actually works. Suppose you don't like bright, flashy, colorful camos on ships - for whatever reason - maybe its the idea they don't make logical sense because in warfare it goes against the nature of concealment itself, whatever - we're playing an arcade game which is pitting US and German ships against the Japanese and French, but sure, the camos is what really grinds your gears. That is perfectly acceptable that you dislike them. Again, setting aside you dislike them enough to actually vocalize your dislike on public forums, its the idea that while you know you could silently turn them off in-game without uttering a single word, your dislike seems to go deeper - you dislike that other people like them - and it is this which fuels your barely-restrained confused rage. It falls far outside your comprehension that other people like/enjoy/appreciate things that you do not, and you now hold an uninformed opinion about what other people do or do not do as sacrosanct. You post your opinion with the meme, "change my mind" and laugh knowing your inability to process unfamiliar ideas or data or factual statements can never be synthesized. In short, your mind cannot be changed! Which means it's not just that people like things you do not, more than entire societies exist who somehow manage to come to different conclusions than you've come to using the same data. This of course is void of any comprehension the differences in age, upbringing, experiences, geography, culture, education level and the like affect those opinions.

Communication can help. Dialogue is much, much more than shouting your opinion more loudly or more rudely under the guise of, "I'm just being direct" or "brutally honest" when you're actually doing neither. Your ineptitude is your biggest hurdle and why you find yourself in the same rut of a scenario over and over and over and why your life has never, and likely never will, improve. Its why deep down you know the friends you have aren't really there for you, and likely just tolerate you for what you can do for them, and barring that, you'd be completely alone because you don't bring anything at all to the table; you don't really know what friendships means, and have no way to either articulate nor illustrate it to others. If however, you tried being friendly, asking questions, and consider entertaining a difference of opinion without ever having to agree to making it your own, you may actually start to accept the idea that the world is changed by our example, not our opinion - and you may even find that people who hold opinions which differ from your own have really great reasons behind why. Things even - dare I say it - you haven't before considered. Now, don't blame me if you start getting smarter, start expecting more from yourself, and start winning friends and influencing people because you've learned how to be "politely honest" and "direct" without starting out as a raging, screaming, incomprehensible asshole who blames the other person for not wanting to hear the truth. It can, and should happen.

Reflect Love Given

Worldview Changes