DRIVING MY CAR OFF A GODDAMN CLIFF, Pt. II

I was enjoying a nice visit and meal with Mom and Dad in our large, ranch house somewhere in a mountainous, western setting. At some point, it was decided we needed something, so I offered to drive and go get it. Dad joined me, and suggested we take his car instead of mine - a new, shiny black Land Rover. He wanted me to drive. I got behind the wheel, floored it, overcompensated, and drove up over the side of a cliff with a several hundred foot drop. As we plunged over the edge, I noticed a small body of water below us while time slowed, and a sort of parallax optical illusion tunnel-visioned my view to the ground below. I turned to Dad to express my sorrow for killing us both - intimating that he deserved much better - but also mentioned we had a gorgeous view few got to see in their lifetimes.

We survived the crash.

I don't know how, but the car was completely flattened, and strewn across the landscape as if we were in an airliner. Dad and I were both unharmed. I squinted up at the mesa from which we plunged trying to gauge the distance. As the wind was blowing fairly forcefully in the basin, I tracked the trajectory our vehicle must've made in order to miss the water, and impact on the shore. There were quite a few beachgoers there - families - in swimming gear as this was a local tourist spot. I was surprised at how quickly the park rangers arrived, and marveled that Dad and I remained unharmed. I kept checking myself for shock, as well as any late-onset soreness which would surely manifest, but yeah, nothing.

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DRIVING MY CAR OFF A GODDAMN CLIFF, Pt. I

Purgatory

Purgatory is where I live, each and every day. I'm trying to not live here anymore, but it's much harder to do, rather than just say. I watch my words, I watch my thinking; I am pushing past the screaming din - but when everything moves in slow motion, looking outward is much more difficult than looking deep within. I find my comforting assumptions being challenged, and while welcome, this is the hardest part. I work diligently to update my understanding, but this is much harder to do when we're apart. I require that interaction, that energy, the face-to-face I crave. When we go too long without speaking, or you're under duress, I find I too am its slave. I've recently recanted many of my conclusions, making new ones since I've met you - you challenge me in ways to which I'm unaccustomed, and I feel I will grow and change much with you. This frightens and excites me both - uncertainty can be scary, but with you it's comforting instead. I am changing each and every day for the better, learning so much more with your inspiration, marveling at how you think, and all the things you've said. I'll admit I'm used to being the tutor, not the student as I am with you, but put us both together, and I can't even imagine all that we will do. We compliment each other in ways I believe with which you struggle, and I don't entirely understand, but when we have our face-to-face, surely then some semblance of a future can put so much of this to rest as we sit to plan. One way or another (you know where on the spectrum I fall), I hope to alleviate all your worries and fears, and commit to something which benefits us all. I fear you fear us unequally yoked, and this drives a part of your indecision. I don't see that AT ALL and in fact, our equality only strengthens my vision. Won't you please join me on this quest, to seek joy in one another forevermore? I could never ever find another you, not anywhere on this earth from shore to shining shore.