2024-05-22

ehowton: (Computer)
3 thoughts that *might* help

1. Is [wife] expressing a change of heart / understanding? In other words that she thought she could handle polyamory, but it turns out that she can’t?

Not at all. In therapy I explained I was not getting my needs met, so I was seeking that elsewhere. She explained it thusly: "By the time I get home I don't have the energy to have these conversations, and even if I did, I can't keep up with him. BFF can, but I don't want him talking to her." So in short, she acknowledges my needs aren't being met, can't meet them herself, but won't let me get them met elsewhere. As far as what she thought she could handle, that's an even more interesting/bizarre situation. Initially she was overwhelmingly expressive as to the logistics of a triadic relationship to the point it shocked her BFF, and BFF was so very perplexed by the idea of sharing me with her, she asked for assurance after assurance that our blossoming relationship was in no way intruding upon or harming our marriage. The BFF was very specific about our platonic relationship and wife was very specific about answering, then granting, permission to continue. One day, after about three months of wife being very angry I finally got to (what at the time I thought was) the root of all her anger; she was initially thrilled and excited about having this expanded relationship with her husband and her best friend, and the fac that I fell in love with her best friend was easily a blessing because it made the idea of a triad that much more simple and effortless. That was, she told me, until she started ceaselessly comparing herself to the BFF and that's when the type of jealousy which cannot be overcome took over. I say bizarre because that was the reason I suggested she get solo counseling, and couples counseling - which we did - but then she recanted the above to the therapist, instead telling her she's felt this way the entire time. Back to her being understanding, I've previously posted the comment she made which was identical to the one my ex-wife made. Here are two more which will no doubt sound all-to-familiar:

A) "He just wants his cake and wants his pie too."
B) "She's supposed to be my friend, not your lover."


2. What’s missing in your relationship with [wife] that is offered by [BFF]? (I could see what I offered that [ex-wife] didn’t, but I don’t know in this situation.) Damsel in distress? New brain to get to know?

Interaction mostly. She challenges me in completely different ways from you and wifey. And given the vacuum of intimacy in which I've been living, I've been relying upon that interaction more and more to simply maintain. We've only ever had a platonic relationship but given the lack of attention I experience at home, it's not just a distraction, it's a necessity for my sanity and survival. We've grown very close to one another over the last 18-months as you may expect. In short, I experience more transparency, vulnerability, reciprocity, and dialogue with her, over infrequent text messages, than I do at home. We have a very intimate, platonic relationship.
...and not Savior Complex/Damsel in Distress/White Knight Syndrome (though BFF did ask, "Eric, do I look like I need saving??" the third time it came up lol). Two things with that specifically:

A) I had eight sessions last year (different therapist) to help determine that (the answer was, "No.")
B) Before those sessions I did a lot a research on it, and the indicators were actually so unlike me in every single way it was clear that wasn't the case. My notes on that here.


3. Are you willing to eschew polyamory for [wife's]’s happiness?

Not at this point, no. Because I would be giving up far too much for absolutely nothing in return. I crave things like touch, communication, and trust. Once again, when transparency is seen as betrayal, vulnerability is subject to judgment, reciprocity is nonexistent despite clear, unequivocal communication for it, there is no more relationship. In short, there is zero motivation to give up myself for her happiness. During one six month period she demanded I stop texting BFF, but allowed me one email per day. Because she wasn't making any attempt to offset the loss, I became withdrawn, and crawled into myself for six months. There was no physical affection, no emotional affection, and no interaction - for half a year. At the conclusion of her little experiment, and myself very nearly completely broken, she told the BFF that our marriage was, "the best its ever been." That told me everything I needed to know. Interestingly enough - since you brought it up - I am willing to eschew polyamory for BFF's happiness. Why? For the opposite of the reasons stated above. She has proven herself able to deftly navigate and engage in transparency and vulnerability using communication, and I imagine, given what we've been through, reciprocity as well when the time comes.
ehowton: (my_lovers)

Conversations surrounding values just keep popping up these days. Most recently during our fifth session of couples counseling (though I did not mention it in my post). The therapist asked if our values had changed over the last 10-years. I let her know that my top five have changed priority a handful of times (much like my treatise on Love Languages but that my wife's absolutely have (mostly from leaving religion). I don't know why I feel like the therapist is always trying to stump me, but I'm fairly well versed on values as well, and took to her whiteboard to illustrate the path from worldview to behavior and how our values are determined by our beliefs. Off the cuff I listed mine in no particular order as curiosity, joy, connection, and intimacy. My wife backed up this assertion then admitted hers had changed quite a bit in the intervening 10-years.

The therapist then asked if we thought an alignment of values was important to a successful relationship. Of course I decided to throw her a curveball, because why not at this point. I stared with how our values should absolutely change to reflect our growth, experience, maturity, and understanding of the world around us (she's nodding this entire time), then mentioned that an alignment of values was only half the equation - how we get there is fully the other half. If two people end up with opposing values but took the same methodical, logical path along the way, which side of the balance/counterbalance is less important than the journey we took and the process we used. To put it another way, when my wife and I were filling out questions on the online dating site OKCupid for the algorithm to match us, a lot of hers said, "YES" and a lot of mine said, "NO" but in the text box we'd written nearly identical reasons as to why we gave our answer. The polarity of the YES/NO was inconsequential at that point as it was obfuscated by the perspective of our respective thesis.

So yes, let's compare our values. But let's also compare how we reached them <3




Values, Pt. III
◾ Tags:
ehowton: (battle)


◾ Tags:
ehowton: (Captain Hammer)

When you close your eyes do you think of me?
Am I the first thing on your waking mind
And when you lay down the last thing you see?
When you smile all alone what do you find?
Do thoughts of me cause pupil dilation?
Do you grin a silly grin when you smile
At the memory of our conversations
My sincerity cause for beguile?
Do you long for our fun interaction
And count down the days 'till exile ends?
Are you bored with this crazy protraction
Like every day doesn't even begin?
Not that that's how I feel at all one bit
At least not that I'd feel free to admit



◾ Tags:
ehowton: (ehowton)
I wonder sometimes if you’d be open
(Someday, perhaps if all the stars align)
- Hopefully this isn’t too outspoken -
To the possibility (by design)
Of gracing me with an answer to the
Question I’ve been asking myself if it…
Is in the realm of possibility
(Whether or not you will ever admit)
If uh, given the way things are heading
You discover you actually love me?
Would you tell me or just keep me treading
My heart is yours and you control the key

July 2025

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