The Fulfilled Life, Vol. I

You and I talk a lot of shit about personal development and growth, but what are we willing to put in, to sacrifice, to actively work towards in order to live the fulfilled life which is out of reach for those who can't be bothered to put in the time and effort to do so? Our infrequent, disjointed conversations have covered a lot of ground over the past 18-months, but much of it has been discovering each other and ourselves wrapped in the easy familiarity of slow trust-building wouldn't you agree?

Let me know when you're ready to take it to the next level as the type of relationship I envision with you will absolutely require, especially given the current events in my life. I'm talking super-vulnerable, completely-out-of-our-comfort-zone, no-holds-barred, real-talk; the kind where honesty, or lack-thereof, will impact our (one possible) foreseeable future, and in this case specifically, one where we entertain the idea of facing that future together, indestructible, hand-in-hand with one another. One where dreams can become a reality with enough grit and determination and where no realistic goal is insurmountable.

Obviously, I thought I had that here, with Dorian. I grilled her for months, then years, as we embarked on our journey, convinced that the failures of my past could be overcome with the kind of communication and commitment than leaves even lovers blushing. And girl, it wasn't for lack of trying. You ever see those books and magazines from the 50s and 60s where they're always telling women to stop doing things they love in order to make themselves presentable for when their husbands come home so they don't lose interest or get stressed? I'm using that as an illustration of course but I strive for that in my daily life, even when I don't always hit the mark. And by that I mean I always endeavor to be the best personal version of myself all day, every day, for my partner. Why? Because my partner is always so many diverse and wonderful things all at once - and never just a static presence. She's a lover, a wife, an ally, a best-friend, a confidant, and an inspiration. I strive to reflect all those things and more upon her, and to always be her greatest cheerleader. If this frightens you, or doesn't fit an ideal you'd love to be a part of, please let me know right now, otherwise I will continue.

And here's the rub - I'm looking for someone who wants to at least try to reciprocate those things, and always move forward. I mentioned this may be an uncomfortable conversation, and I believe you know I am not one to gossip, or talk negatively about people - even those with whom I am in conflict - but I also believe that hard truths sometimes need to be compassionately expressed, and here's one. Given my current situation, I'm now wondering if you and Dorian haven't grown apart not because she's "outgrown" you, rather...the possibility exists that YOU are outgrowing her. I think she's reached the pinnacle of what she wants out of life and is happy where she is. Yes I enjoy quiet evenings sitting on the front porch, but I don't want to do that only in silence, not holding hands every night for the rest of my life. I still want touch, and communication. I don't see everything as a zero-sum either/or scenario. That is not how I live my life.

Which brings us to the next sticking point in all my previous relationships (though you and I are a safter bet now that you're 10-years older than Dorian was when I met her and I too am a decade further along). I am going to say some things, and you'll agree because it makes logical sense, and you'll understand and acknowledge and (hopefully wish to join me as part of it). As did Dorian. Until she didn't. Which is ALSO fine, because (and I can't emphasize this enough), PEOPLE CHANGE. That's OKAY. Its what we're SUPPOSED TO DO. So here it is: Contentedness is not my end-goal. A fulfilled-life is, in whatever manner it may present itself. This journey is way more exciting and fulfilling when you have someone with you on the adventure - someone with whom you can always (always) be your true, authentic, intimate self. Don't get me wrong, being your true, authentic, intimate self takes courage! It sounds easy but it is not! You have to have trust in a relationship - the kind of trust which does not come easily, especially after lifetimes of betrayal and trauma, but (and god I know you're probably tired of hearing me say this but) that's where the four pillars - the very foundations - of intimacy come into play. If you work (love means work to you, so here's your assignment), if you work at those pillars it not only becomes easier, it becomes an almost obsessive joy because it unlocks discovery in ourselves and in others, and honestly what could possibly be more fulfilling than that? This Cass, this is what I strive for, and what I would like to share with you.

Given enough time, sometimes two people who don't adhere to the above (or even sometimes if they do) may find themselves on different trajectories, and again, I am fine with that. All I ask in return is if that ever does happen, don't try to hide it from me, don't lie about it to me, don't just...withdraw from me while telling me everything is fine, then refuse to communicate with me if I come to you with my fears or doubts. Love me instead. Sit with me. Share your own fears and doubts and I promise to validate you and treat you with the same level of respect I want in return.

Love is not a list of things we may have in common or even an alignment of ever-changing values (because if it were, when values change - as they do - then what?). Its in the way we think, and our attitude, and our behavior. This is why I fell in love with you Cass, not because we both like 80s music, but because I saw in you the potential to embody everything I've said above - even if you don't yet. As long as you're willing to try, that's good enough for me.