From Clonish

[ehowton]

3 thoughts that *might* help

1. Is [wife] expressing a change of heart / understanding? In other words that she thought she could handle polyamory, but it turns out that she can’t?

Not at all. In therapy I explained I was not getting my needs met, so I was seeking that elsewhere. She explained it thusly: "By the time I get home I don't have the energy to have these conversations, and even if I did, I can't keep up with him. BFF can, but I don't want him talking to her." So in short, she acknowledges my needs aren't being met, can't meet them herself, but won't let me get them met elsewhere. As far as what she thought she could handle, that's an even more interesting/bizarre situation. Initially she was overwhelmingly expressive as to the logistics of a triadic relationship to the point it shocked her BFF, and BFF was so very perplexed by the idea of sharing me with her, she asked for assurance after assurance that our blossoming relationship was in no way intruding upon or harming our marriage. The BFF was very specific about our platonic relationship and wife was very specific about answering, then granting, permission to continue. One day, after about three months of wife being very angry I finally got to (what at the time I thought was) the root of all her anger; she was initially thrilled and excited about having this expanded relationship with her husband and her best friend, and the fac that I fell in love with her best friend was easily a blessing because it made the idea of a triad that much more simple and effortless. That was, she told me, until she started ceaselessly comparing herself to the BFF and that's when the type of jealousy which cannot be overcome took over. I say bizarre because that was the reason I suggested she get solo counseling, and couples counseling - which we did - but then she recanted the above to the therapist, instead telling her she's felt this way the entire time. Back to her being understanding, I've previously posted the comment she made which was identical to the one my ex-wife made. Here are two more which will no doubt sound all-to-familiar:

A) "He just wants his cake and wants his pie too."
B) "She's supposed to be my friend, not your lover."

2. What’s missing in your relationship with [wife] that is offered by [BFF]? (I could see what I offered that [ex-wife] didn’t, but I don’t know in this situation.) Damsel in distress? New brain to get to know?

Interaction mostly. She challenges me in completely different ways from you and wifey. And given the vacuum of intimacy in which I've been living, I've been relying upon that interaction more and more to simply maintain. We've only ever had a platonic relationship but given the lack of attention I experience at home, it's not just a distraction, it's a necessity for my sanity and survival. We've grown very close to one another over the last 18-months as you may expect. In short, I experience more transparency, vulnerability, reciprocity, and dialogue with her, over infrequent text messages, than I do at home. We have a very intimate, platonic relationship.
...and not Savior Complex/Damsel in Distress/White Knight Syndrome (though BFF did ask, "Eric, do I look like I need saving??" the third time it came up lol). Two things with that specifically:

A) I had eight sessions last year (different therapist) to help determine that (the answer was, "No.")
B) Before those sessions I did a lot a research on it, and the indicators were actually so unlike me in every single way it was clear that wasn't the case. My notes on that here.

3. Are you willing to eschew polyamory for [wife's]’s happiness?

Not at this point, no. Because I would be giving up far too much for absolutely nothing in return. I crave things like touch, communication, and trust. Once again, when transparency is seen as betrayal, vulnerability is subject to judgment, reciprocity is nonexistent despite clear, unequivocal communication for it, there is no more relationship. In short, there is zero motivation to give up myself for her happiness. During one six month period she demanded I stop texting BFF, but allowed me one email per day. Because she wasn't making any attempt to offset the loss, I became withdrawn, and crawled into myself for six months. There was no physical affection, no emotional affection, and no interaction - for half a year. At the conclusion of her little experiment, and myself very nearly completely broken, she told the BFF that our marriage was, "the best its ever been." That told me everything I needed to know. Interestingly enough - since you brought it up - I am willing to eschew polyamory for BFF's happiness. Why? For the opposite of the reasons stated above. She has proven herself able to deftly navigate and engage in transparency and vulnerability using communication, and I imagine, given what we've been through, reciprocity as well when the time comes.