The Empirical Manifesto

Not wanting to go through yet another failed marriage I've been really placing this relationship under a microscope. Yes, lessons learned from my past, but now with the wisdom to apply myself appropriately to the equation; highlighting things at which I've failed in the past - my shortcomings and how they'd work in this dynamic. I know my strengths and my weaknesses, but acknowledging one's weaknesses without actively trying to change them is akin to relationship suicide, and both parties absolutely must be present in order for any relationship to thrive. Am I stepping out of my comfort zone? Of course. And it saddens me how many people choose to conflate that action with not living authentically - that stepping out from my comfort zone is somehow not being true to myself, and portends eventual unhappiness. Forgetting of course that growth only ever occurs outside our comfort zone. Its less that I'm changing myself for the one I wish to be with, and more caring for her, myself, and the relationship enough I'm willing to put myself through an (often) uncomfortable growth cycle for the benefit of all. I just don't understand why no one else understands that. I wasn't happy, so doing the same thing over and over within a different relationship isn't the answer. The answer is to change myself; my perspectives, and embrace what I uncover through introspection and self-reflection. Being honest with oneself is exceedingly difficult because we can easily succumb to some degree of self-deception unconsciously which skews the results. That's why I'm putting in all this overtime with the existential data mining.

From my 2017 blog Do What?

I've been meaning to post about marriage for some time now. Mostly because I am inundated with memes outlining (often quite different) individualized views on the subject. Which is awesome if everyone happened to subscribe to the very specific expectation each meme imparts. More often than not however, they do not appear to be declarations of how one chooses to live their own life, rather indictments on how other's choose to live theirs. I cannot imagine, given the numerous, highly personalized perspectives on the ideal marriage, and taking into account the culturally diverse mix of heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, asexuals, Christians, Catholics, Muslims, Mormons, atheists, Hindus, Buddhists, agnostics who all run the entire spectrum of liberal, conservative, blue collar, white collar, narrative conflict (man versus man, man versus nature, man versus himself, man versus society), and wildly different reasons for choosing to (or choosing not to) marry for race, color, previous condition of servitude, cultural familial commitment, as a beard, for citizenship, loneliness, boredom, social standing, love, or to populate the world with spirit babies), that any one of those would magically fit a single, individualized expectation. Nor should it. Put that way, those silly memes do suddenly seem awfully unreasonable, don't they?

I'm currently at peace with myself, and all which surrounds me. That's the good news. Before things go any further (and they may), I needed to honestly answer why I am so adamant in pursuing her, and how far I was willing to go. To that end, the reason seemed to be, "purpose." I've waxed poetic here numerous times about contributing to something greater than yourself - which is how I see relationships - but it wasn't until this morning I settled on purpose as the reason.

Geekfriend: "I'm not following. You're feeling you have no purpose if you're not pursuing a relationship then?"

Me: "Not exactly. Simply that a relationship would give me a purpose I otherwise would not have."

Which comes back to what it is we value. I value relationships and everything they encompass and allow for. If one of my highest priorities in life is to practice intimacy, I cannot do that alone. Finding the right partner however, is not only paramount, but in exceedingly short supply. Not everyone has the same value-system as I, nor should they. I simply want to spend my time with someone who does.

Later, I rested, and continued Chapter Two in Moving Through Grief and came upon this gem which reinforced what I'd come up with on my own earlier in the day:

After we get dumped, we may immediately start dating again, without taking time to analyze what went wrong in the relationship or whether it was even aligned with our key values ... If you doubt a particular action, ask yourself, "is this action aligned with my values?" ... If the action does seem to appear to be aligned with your values, you can move forward with clarity and confidence.

In conclusion, I wasn't necessarily seeking purpose, but in her, I found it.

Much of the personal growth rhetoric concludes with the highlight, "contributing to something greater than yourself" and often provides examples limited to volunteerism or helping others. This is one I have struggled with for some time. Admittedly, I limit my "giving" to generous monetary tips - just about everything else denigrates into a racket, even tithes were I so possessed given the overwhelming supporting evidence of televangelism - but much like the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, I see giving, belonging, and contributing as a trinity of mythological beasts; a hypostasis of distinct yet one - the latter of which I now believe being wholly inclusive of, while simultaneously superseding, the former two.

To contribute to something [greater than yourself] is going to require giving more than just time, money or ineffective membership. More than satisfying the instinctual sociological desire to belong - the raw visceral appeal of political parties, organized religion, sports affiliation or violent gang membership - contributing is much more of an investment, requiring an almost sacrifice of self, a rebirth or self-starting intrinsic motivation. We're all familiar with working harder at doing better on projects which interest us - a gazillion job satisfaction surveys tell us so. Think then of that level of contribution to something greater than yourself as a life project, something which pays us back far more than we could ever put in it through simple vocal or monetary alignment. Something which pays us back in unwavering, universal happiness.

To what then, do those who eschew such dichotomous associations vis-à-vis the Two-Party Swindle seek out to contribute? This is what has plagued me. Until I found the answer in the most unsuspecting of places - my past. Looking back, while almost always marred by our own idealized projections, can still provide a unique comparison to our present selves. A veritable built-in time machine function which, if utilized with the understanding that our filters will likely misinterpret the results (The Blindfold and the Chestnuts), can be used to give us a fairly accurate glimpse into one possible future.

As an empiricism junkie, I was authoring a carefully constructed piece detailing flaws in a broad assumption which I admitted I would have made myself had I not experienced it first hand. In trying to be as correct as possible in debunking some very specific (and awkwardly erroneous myths), I settled upon anecdotal troubleshooting.

[Having assumed a position] every problem I encountered proved an exciting challenge to overcome; deep philosophical issues that could touch on every aspect of societal existence. Most people complain about the same three things THEIR ENTIRE LIFE: time, money, and sex. Finding the opportunity to be faced with so much more and joyfully accepting the challenge gave purpose to my life. I wonder how many of my doe-eyed neighbors feel their life is full of purpose? Maybe they each have a story about it happening once. I found myself having created a life-purpose generator which was running full-tilt all day, every day. Life wasn't just very, very exciting - it had purpose.

A fascinating aspect of that experience was how little I focused on time, money, or sex as anything disquieting - the bane of existence for most fell to the wayside. I'm now fairly convinced only those without purpose use those three things as their focus. Hence so much unhappiness in the world.

Contributing to the purpose-filled life may very well be the apex of self-actualization, and I'm the amateur who got a peek behind the curtain. There is a world of difference between "impossible" and "hard to imagine." The first is about it while the second spotlights our own limitation.

For all others, I hear yoga is nice.