2025-01-30

ehowton: (Default)

Thirteen years ago I expounded on blame (and fault) being unsustainable as a coping mechanism. Today I'd like to delve further into how blame (and fault) keep us exactly where we are, without the possibility of growth, and by extension, healing. I haven't re-read my 2012 treatise on blame, so there may or may not be some overlap here.

None of us are ever blameless. Not really. But just as we can't arbitrarily assign blame to other people for when we feel we've been wronged, neither can we blindly accept blame which is not ours - whether to deescalate a situation, or to truly accept responsibility - the assignment of blame or accepting blame in and of itself isn't helpful; we need to root out the underlying motivations and/or triggers for our behavior and own those instead. If we're capable of introspection we should eventually be able to find it, and articulate it to ourselves and others. Saying we accept the blame without understanding why - the part others may have played or our own unrecognized motivations does nothing - its surface. Equally, mature adult people who childishly point and blame others without any comprehension of their own unmet expectations are doomed to repeat their cycle forever. Because they have not grown. They have not identified within themselves that which manifests itself as actions, attitude, and behaviors ultimately commanding the Fates to execute their smooth-brained ideas to the letter unaware of how causation works.

And since we're on the subject, we're adults, yes? So please explain to me why people seemingly refuse to simply state, "I don't wish to do this anymore." I mean, at a minimum I can understand that. Do I ever get that? Nope. Instead I get, "Here's some ultimatums, and all the reasons why everything is your fault."
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ehowton: (Default)

Tess had a cancellation so we had a two-hour session. Takeaway?

Love is not a feeling, its an action.

That was her view anyway. Naturally, I desired a little more specificity, on which we occasionally disagreed. She also opined that the reason I haven't gone all in with Jennifer is the dreaded, "too soon." I admitted the thought had crossed my mind, then again, that was one of the points of the experiment - to see if those pesky emotions could be processed faster with two people working on them, rather than just sitting alone, by ourselves, trying to figure out ourselves, the world, and our place in it. Jury is still out.

As I see things now, my fear is that without those feelings developing, I would be much more susceptible to influences I could otherwise control, now that I understand how my brain works. If I am enamored with those with whom I have that connection - those feelings - I know what to watch out for and presumably, wield some control over it. Without that lock in place, I feel like I would abandon everything to chase it. At least given what I've gone through in the past. That lock is the anchor which has always kept me in place; grounded me.

The reason not being ready had crossed my mind previously is a bit of a Catch-22. I am finally comfortable in my own place, alone. But that comfort came only after meeting Jennifer. I don't yet understand the dynamic, or if there even is a dynamic. The two things could be unrelated (though it doesn't feel like it unfolded that way). To add to the conundrum, if meeting Jennifer did shorten the time, that means the experiment worked in that regard (there are other parts to the experiment).

I meet with Tess again on the 4th.
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ehowton: (cyberpunk)

So...I'm not much of a macOS guy. I mostly use its unix shell, though I'm beginning to understand that it may behave more like Windows where dynamically linked binaries are concerned, despite appearing statically contained within its own executable environment (Applications).

So check it, Baldur's Gate 3 (BG3) is released as a Mac binary. Only it's not. It actually uses macOS's built-in Rosetta as its emulator. Fair enough. But I play Cyberpunk 2077 (CP77) which was not released as a Mac binary. No worries, the company Codeweavers wrote a neat little front-end GUI to wine called Crossover which utilizes brew (or so I assume based on their naming conventions) to run x86 apps on macOS. Now, whether Crossover replaces Rosetta (less likely) or simply leverages Rosetta (more likely given it already exists) is, at this point immaterial. I installed Steam into a discrete Crossover instance, then installed CP77 via Steam into the same instance. It plays flawlessly on an M3 Max MacBook Pro.

Much later I decide to install and play BG3. Because the x86 version of BG3 is not compatible with Crossover, I cannot install it into a Steam instance via Crossover. I thought (foolishly), "No problem! I'll use the native Mac client!" So I download Steam for Mac, and install BG3 for Mac. Again, it plays flawlessly.

Here's the tricky part: Awkwardly, now Crossover Steam calls macOS steam. Crossover Steam shows only CP77 installed, and macOS Steam shows only BG3 installed, but I cannot launch CP77 unless I uninstall macOS Steam. THANKFULLY the BG3 binaries are on an external (the same external as my Crossover app and games) so hopefully all I will have to do if I ever want to play BG3 again is to install macOS Steam, knowing I will be unable to play CP77 until it is uninstalled.



ehowton: (synapse)


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