ehowton: (ehowton)

Living authentically is powerful because it offers the freedom to be fully ourselves without anyone ever having to accept us as we are. Awkwardly, living our authentic selves is contradictory to demanding others accept our authentic selves - they are at odds. They are at odds because if we set the expectation that others allow us to live as we choose, and with the choices we make, it stands to reason we would also hold the assumption we would allow others to live as they chose, and with the choices they make. Were we to only have the expectation without the assumption, we open ourselves up to being in an indefensible position - for how can we truly hold expectations of others we don't hold for ourselves? I call this the level playing field - the rules we set remain constant for how we are to treat others, otherwise an imbalance will occur. Imbalance may sound benign, but it is within that balance of reciprocity we find peace.

If we truly believe that we should decide which behaviors we will tolerate, we must give others the freedom to choose whether or not to tolerate our behavior. Demanding otherwise is akin to allowing others to demand we tolerate theirs - basically dismantling the entire idea surrounding boundaries. This places them on a level playing field as well. While it would be nice if everyone respected our own to the same degree we respected theirs, in no universe are we allowed to demand respect for ours while not simultaneously respecting the ones others have themselves set - yes, whether we like it or not, agree with it or not, or even understand it or not. This is how boundaries work, especially if we wish ours to be respected. Sure we can make those demands, but we will quickly find we've broken any trust we may have had, and once again place ourselves in an indefensible position which leads to imbalance and lack of peace. Fortunately, the solution is actually as easy as it sounds: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

If all this talk of boundaries and authenticity sound confusing, there's a short, easy litmus test which can help gauge where we are in the process, and it is simply this - if living unapologetically authentic brings peace, joy, and happiness, it is being practiced properly. If however living unapologetically authentic continuously places us in precarious positions which do not bring peace or joy or happiness, we need to re-evaluate.
◾ Tags:
ehowton: (Default)

Thirteen years ago I expounded on blame (and fault) being unsustainable as a coping mechanism. Today I'd like to delve further into how blame (and fault) keep us exactly where we are, without the possibility of growth, and by extension, healing. I haven't re-read my 2012 treatise on blame, so there may or may not be some overlap here.

None of us are ever blameless. Not really. But just as we can't arbitrarily assign blame to other people for when we feel we've been wronged, neither can we blindly accept blame which is not ours - whether to deescalate a situation, or to truly accept responsibility - the assignment of blame or accepting blame in and of itself isn't helpful; we need to root out the underlying motivations and/or triggers for our behavior and own those instead. If we're capable of introspection we should eventually be able to find it, and articulate it to ourselves and others. Saying we accept the blame without understanding why - the part others may have played or our own unrecognized motivations does nothing - its surface. Equally, mature adult people who childishly point and blame others without any comprehension of their own unmet expectations are doomed to repeat their cycle forever. Because they have not grown. They have not identified within themselves that which manifests itself as actions, attitude, and behaviors ultimately commanding the Fates to execute their smooth-brained ideas to the letter unaware of how causation works.

And since we're on the subject, we're adults, yes? So please explain to me why people seemingly refuse to simply state, "I don't wish to do this anymore." I mean, at a minimum I can understand that. Do I ever get that? Nope. Instead I get, "Here's some ultimatums, and all the reasons why everything is your fault."
◾ Tags:

October 2025

S M T W T F S
   12 3 4
567 8 91011
12 13 1415 16 17 18
192021 22232425
262728293031 

Most Popular Tags

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags