Inspired by Johnathan Strange and Mr. Norrell

Walk

I dreamed of Dorian again last night. She's been assaulting my subconscious here of late. We're always together, with friends, but non-communicative. Last night we were separating. In silence. I awoke angry. Those who know me would be shocked to hear me speak of having anger, as it is not really in my wheelhouse. Insidiously however, the emotion has been lurking in my background for some time. I assume for the purpose of reminding me I'm in yet another grief cycle, and will not, cannot, escape its grasp. I assumed the anger would subside as I sipping my morning coffee and blogged. It did not. Instead it grew. Being unaccustomed to anger, I didn't have any readily available coping mechanisms I could throw at it, so instead I seethed most of the day, unable to pinpoint where (gestures vaguely) all this anger was coming from. What was its source? Surely if I could identify where it was originating I could strategize a mitigation plan. Yet it remained elusive.

I'm not one to distract myself from thinking, or feeling. On the contrary I enjoy the challenge it brings cataloging the emotions which play across my physiology, despite how difficult some of them are to living every day life. I'm often curious where these Ms. Frizzle field trips will take me; what I may discover, even as a suffer under the weight of them. They fascinate me. To be clear, I'd prefer to not have them - I'd rather live my usual joyous life of ease and wonder - but I suppose every now and again, that's life. I guess the rarity is how often these things plague me. But when they do, hoo-boy.

Was I angry at my soon-to-be ex for throwing everything away? I didn't want to be. Was I angry at my on-again-off-again not-yet-lover for pulling away as she did every time things got too comfortable? I didn't want to be. Was I angry at myself for not being able to automatically and effortlessly apply the Buddhist concept of non-attachment to my budding relationship because absolutely everything else I thought I knew about myself has also changed so dramatically? I didn't want to be. Yet here I was, with all this unspecified (or collective) anger. If it even was anger! I experience it so infrequently it could be any number of things adjacent it along the wheel of emotions. Still. It was uncomfortable, and I had no coping mechanisms in place in which to address it.

I instead reached out to a couple of people, one who compared my brain-chemistry checklist to her own, and said to me, "So here's my first self-care item that you should consider: Go for a WALK." I used to have a walking path behind my house in Newton and walked three times a day. I did it to clear my head and keep my body active. It was infectious. But unlike New Mexico, where you could walk down wide sidewalks adjacent wide shoulders to breath-taking hiking trails, Midwestern hospitality contains no sidewalks and people are being killed trying to dodge moving vehicles between cars parked on both sides of the street in this dystopian hellscape. No thank you. But we do have a walking path 3.8 miles from the tiny meth house in which I currently reside. So I drove there. And I walked.

Almost immediately, all the reasons I remembered walking in my past came flooding back. Ten years ago I walked through grief and pain and sadness and hopelessness and despair. I walked for two years. I've been needing to break down and cry for some time now, but haven't yet been able to. It almost came today on my walk, and it was glorious. Twice a sob escaped my lips and I was so looking forward to the release which never came. But I'm going to walk again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. I'd forgotten how wonderful it is to simultaneously exercise the mind, the body, and the soul.

2024 - Nineteenth Session

I started with the whole "dating other people" and why specifically that is such an absolute shit show for me specifically. In a word, my demisexuality. While it's true that I first became infatuated with Cass after experiencing her personality, it was in equal parts the yoga pants she wore around the house that week. Or, to quote Cass herself directly, "You're such a guy." Yes, yes I am. A simple man, with simple needs. Either way, once I became emotionally and intellectually connected to her, she became as beautiful, and as desiring as my wife. Until my wife severed that connection. Now Cass is the stars and the moon and nothing in this 'verse could keep me from her. Except, as it may turn out, herself. Because I do not have an emotional nor intellectual connection with other women, it is impossible for me to consider them as potential partners. They simply cannot - and never will - hold a candle to Cass. I don't even, "see" them. Yet [online] dating requires I chose an overtly binary interest based solely upon a photograph. A fucking picture. Of a woman. And that's supposed to be how I - of all people - choose who to date outside of Cass. I dare say anyone who knows me understands how fucking ridiculous that is. While Tess didn't verbally say, "Calm down," by explaining once again those sites are for the majority who don't fall outside the two standard deviations, I imagine she was biting her tongue. So no, I am not - cannot - date while I remain in love with Cass. And I know Cass understands that about me. Thought that was one of the things she loved about me. Let's move forward with more things I thought...

Cass had me ask:

Could you discuss with Tess how we could have conversations that wouldn't drive you being connection bound to me, but could still be worth while conversations? Or maybe that's impossible for us.

First of all, I know to believe people when they tell you who they are. I also know love can blind you. And I have struggled to feel...valued. Not valued by the unwashed masses with their inane, pedestrian opinions, rather valued by those with whom I admire, trust, respect, and share a connection. So yeah, ouch. Tess was less gentle. While Geekfriend and Dorian see my relationship with Cass as something I've created entirely in my head while a disinterested Cass sits idly on the sidelines, Tess does not, and having sat in session with the both of us, has a better understanding of what is going on. In short, self-sabotage; something Cass has been reading up on. Nonetheless, the thing we feared may have been happening - at least according to Tess - is happening. Whether intentionally or not, Cass is leading me on, and to make matters worse, I am allowing it through my own lack of boundaries.

Knowing that I am given to certain passive-aggressive tendencies, I was regaling to Tess the first time Cass noticed it in me - I had told Cass that with the circumstances surrounding my leaving New Mexico, I would not return until invited back. Tess, perhaps a little dumbstruck at my lack of situational awareness, explained that was the healthiest boundary she'd heard me set yet, and that Cass' reaction of pointing out it as passive-aggressive was the only thing passive-aggressive in the exchange. Pretty sure I wouldn't have seen that myself. Tess further explained that narcissists are so effective because they keep their partners off-balance. And while Cass is not a narcissist, her pattern of throwing up obstacles and pushing me away every time things become too comfortable or easy was in essence throwing me off-balance. Which is probably why the Avoidant videos resonated with me so strongly. What I want and what I need are apparently two different things, as is what Cass wants and what Cass needs. Tess went back to the fantasy versus reality, with the admittance my reality was often far more engaging for me than my fantasy, again pointing out the whole "outside the two standard deviations" thing. But here's where it gets super difficult...

Dorian often told me I was slowing Cass' growth by not allowing her to overcome challenges on her own - that I was acting as her crutch. Obviously that's not something I would ever purposely do. So we did what we always do, and discussed it. Here's the thing - I love her. That surely means something different to me than it does to her, but she seems unwilling to discover how that manifests itself. And because I love her, and want her to heal and grow and become herself - and because she has said over and over and over she does not know what she wants - I need to believe her. My lack of boundaries is keeping her from discovering what it is she wants.

And that's going to be the hardest part. She's so much a part of my life, I find it difficult to imagine life without her; cannot imagine it without her. Yet if I truly love her as much as I claim, my actions must reflect that. I was looking forward to talking to her today after work as I had two questions for her:

Do you want me to not let you push me away when you self-sabotage? Do you want me to stand by you when you do so, so I am there when your cycle ends? Or do you genuinely want me to let you push me away for good?

And

If I moved to New Mexico to date you, can a part of that dating still be going to church with you and girls every Sunday?

Yet we never got a chance to connect on the phone. I don't even know if those are appropriate questions to ask at this point, because it sounds like if she's going to be interested in pursuing a relationship at all, I'll need to stop pursuing her. I've beer chasing her for so long I don't even know what that would look like. Guess I'll wait and see if I'm worth pursuing while I attempt to sever our emotional connection so I can move forward per her request. While I don't ever see us not being the closest of friends, it will no doubt look very different in this new guise and I will admit to being curious how rekindling an emotional connection would look if she does indeed choose to eventually follow-through with that. I'm not entirely sure such a thing is possible Star Trek: Voyager S2E22, "Unforgettable".

According to Tess, the anger I felt the other day (for lack of a better word), comes from my closely tying together physical and emotional intimacy, both of which I have been starved for far too long, and it is beginning to manifest itself. I don't see that changing anytime soon.