From Cass: For Tess: ask her the difference between self sabotage vs. Emotional unavailability.
From Tess: Self-sabotage is purposely doing things/behaving against your own best interest and/or the things you want out of fear of what it means were you to get them, while emotional unavailability is purposely closing yourself off from any form of vulnerability to protect yourself from getting hurt. But she needs to get to the root of that fear and try to discover if it is real or imagined.
She needs to ask herself this question: Does she want to live with the “what-ifs?” Is it because they cause us to feel shame, or guilt, or because we didn’t do them? What if she let herself allow you into her family - where could she then be? What would she then be able to accomplish? Who could she be? I don’t see you two ever not being friends, but I also don’t see you waiting forever to have an intimate relationship either. Don’t let self-sabotage steal those opportunities from you two, but keeping herself closed off to possibilities - she will never know what she wants or doesn't want or how she’ll feel until you try. She is not allowing herself to be vulnerable because she's afraid of being hurt again - vulnerability is hard. You have been very clear with what you want in a relationship - there are no surprises; you’re being authentic and sincere with her. You’re not hiding anything, or trying to manipulate or pressure her in any way, so what's the problem?
"Has she allowed you to kiss her?"
"No."
"Why not."
"She doesn't feel that way about me."
"How does she know? How does she know she doesn't feel that way if she won't allow it? What would happen if she allowed you to kiss her? What is she afraid would happen? Ah, fear of response if she were to get physical. She doesn't trust herself."
"But she says she trusts me, and she knows I would never take advantage of that even if she wanted it to get physical and go further. She'd have to first convince me that is what she truly wanted, and she tells me she doesn't know what she wants."
"Ask Cass what would make her life easier, and what would make it more difficult."
"She is also struggling with me being Dorian's ex-husband."
"Why? Is she hoping for a reconciliation with her?"
"Hoping? Sure, but she knows it's never going to happen."
"Then what is the obstacle where Dorian is concerned? Why is she letting that stop her seeing you as a romantic option? Why is she struggling with that - what is the obstacle which is blocking her path forward?"
"Well, she does keep trying to find me someone "more compatible." for me than her."
"What? Why? What’s the difference between Dorian trying to find you a girlfriend and her finding you someone more compatible?"
"I have no idea."
This led to a conversation about what Cass thinks I'm looking for in a partner versus the qualities she has, up to and including all the "social accomplishments" and the conversation surrounding my assumption of values rather than an expression of insecurities. So she asked what Cass did for work. I outlined her four jobs, and how she's been told what she does doesn't constitute, "a career" and needs a degree, which seemed to kinda strike a chord with Tess, "Cass is a self-starter! A small business owner! an entrepreneur! If you two got together she'd have the time and resources to get a degree if that external validation would help her gain internal validation." I explained that if I did that, Cass would feel like she was using me. "Being a partner to help achieve goals is part of what having a partner is about."
I then asked her about betrayal trauma, and how it confused Cass that one therapist told her it's what she was suffering from while she said it wasn't a thing. Tess said betrayal trauma is just attaching the word “trauma” to an “event.” She was betrayed and it was traumatic, so it’s just a term Tess is unfamiliar with. We all experience trauma to one degree or another. Trauma is nothing more than a loss, and we need to recover from that loss in order to heal.
Tess also suggested we look into attachment theory.
I then told her about my dream:
A week before I was to arrive in New Mexico I dreamed I was at home, and Dorian was there, just living her best life, and talking about how it was great to be back.
I was very confused.
I didn't remember taking her back, and I didn't know why she was walking around the house like we were getting back together. I think I kinda just...didn't say anything to see if I could pick up any clues on why she was there while simultaneously wracking my brain trying to remember if I'd missed some key point which could have led to her being here. I couldn't.
At one point, I went to bed. I was really surprised when she took off all her clothes and laid on top of me. I kinda freaked out a little bit, and remember thinking I'm not going to cheat on Cass. I wondered if I should call Cass and ask her if she thought I should sleep with Dorian - if that would be the simplest way to get her to leave, but as I was reaching for the phone I realized I didn't want to do that no matter what Cass would say. I wasn't going to cheat on her and I didn't want to sleep with Dorian.
"Sounds like you're conflicted that Dorian will change her mind and want to come back."
"I'm not - at least not consciously. There is no conflict."
"But you don't want to hurt Dorian."
"I do not."
"So you either hurt Dorian or you betray Cass."
"I will absolutely not betray Cass' trust. That isn't a choice."
"I think - with the imagery - Dorian being naked and on top of you, and your first thought being not wanting to cheat on Cass shows not only your level of commitment to her, but also your sincerity of monogamy with her. That shows dedication and commitment both."
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