Through Actions

Stardust

New Mexico, New Beginnings - Chapter 7

There is a common misconception amongst those who don't know me, Cassie, or the nature of our relationship. Awkwardly, there is the same misconception amongst those who do; that I am, "chipping away" or "wearing her down" over time to get what I want. They couldn't be more wrong.

I don't want someone who doesn't also want me; desires me and all I have to offer; what I alone and singularly bring to a relationship. I am simply undeterred by her initial refusals. What I am doing instead is planting a thousand seeds to see which ones take root; bloom. Of those that do, which ones she tends to, cares for, and waters. I want to watch them grow with her; within her. My desire is to ascertain her character and interests and philosophies outside of what she tells me - a way for me to see for myself to ensure I am on the right track and not chasing - pursuing - the wrong thing, the wrong ideals, the wrong values, and the wrong person.

In turn I believe once those seeds have bloomed, I will be exactly what she is looking for; desires; longs for. She simply doesn't know it yet. I do feel it would irresponsible of me to not allow her the opportunity to discover that for herself.

Why this arduous, 24-month long journey? In short, Dorian.

I dated her for five years before we married and discussed not only the breadth of our relationship goals, but also the depth of each subsequent point to ensure we were aligned in our thinking - that nothing would be able to rip us asunder. I know people grow, change, mature and evolve, which is why I'm not one to point blame, or find fault. But I too can grow, change, mature and evolve which is why I'm paying closer attention to actions and behaviors, and giving that the same weight as Cassie's words. I've told her from the start to not to believe anything which comes out of my mouth no matter how sincere I make it sound - rather to judge me on my actions, attitude, and behavior alone, because I've learned the hard way words cannot always be believed, especially when we require them to articulate any changes in our worldview rather than just reacting emotionally then dismissing the entire concept of culpability.

Because I have such an array of knowledge of psychology I rarely take offense personally; it's not in my nature. I forgive and forget rather easily - too easily if Dorian is to be believed. I tend to understand why people act and behave the way they do. Up until I don't, that is. I had been craving reciprocity across a wide range of love languages for a very long time - one of the reasons looking back I think I fell so in love with Cassie - without so much as a touch she was able to fill that lengthy void, and even across disjointed text messages I was able to forge a connection with her; grow with her, in a way which was being denied to me for so long. Still, I disclosed everything to my wife, up to and including how Cassie was meeting needs of mine my wife was either unable, or unwilling to. The entire 10-year relationship with my wife was predicated upon the idea that if our needs weren't getting met - for whatever reason - we would get them met outside the relationship with each other's blessing. I allowed her to do this, but the very first time I needed to do the same, she disallowed it. Permanently.

Not only was that confusing and hurtful - that she didn't care about me as much as I cared about her - I still retained my trust for her. Until she weaponized intimacy against me. Not the physical type - in fact that's all she still wanted. It was when she let me know she would judge my vulnerability, not reciprocate what she received from me, and saw my transparency as manipulation. So yes, I took that personally. For the first time in our relationship, I withdrew my trust. She hadn't communicated with me in months, so to be fair I doubt she even ever noticed. When we talked, it was at a completely superficial level about superficial things. I withdrew access to my communications - something she was always able to go in and read, or that I would share with her to build and retain that level of trust. I focused instead on Cassie - the relationship which contained trust, transparency, vulnerability, reciprocity, and dialogue.

As a young man, I considered myself a hopeless romantic, and longed for a relationship in that same vein. As often happens, life experiences proved very different than ideology, and any part of that which remained in me was replaced with brutal cynicism. The world had changed around me, and was trying to take me down with it. I would not go willingly. The first time Cassie told me she was a hopeless romantic was the first time those old stirrings within me began to reform. It didn't happen over night (though my reading of Pride and Prejudice did), but I started to remember who I was; who I was meant to be.

Several times throughout the course of this debacle I asked my wife rhetorically, "Are you asking me to hide my relationship with Cassie? To talk to her in secret?" Only, she never took it as rhetorical. She struggled with answering. Why? Because it is what she wanted. It would have been so much easier to play the martyr card had I cheated on her, emotionally or otherwise. It would have given her clear ammunition to cut ties with her best friend, and to wield power over me for my exposed indiscretions. But that's not who I am. Or at least who I was. The same day I withdrew my trust was the same day I changed the passwords on my computers and my phones, and the same day I started locking posts. It was also the same day I started teaching myself to write Shakespearean sonnets - a way to get back into the world I had once held so dear, now that I believed there was a possibility to be that person once again - this time, with someone who would appreciate it; appreciate me. Someone with whom I could build, and grow.

I think Cassie still struggles with the idea that I never wrote poetry for Dorian. First of all, poetry is a very personal thing - it's vulnerable. You must have the right kind of relationship with someone to reach that level of vulnerability. Secondly, it's emotional. Same rules apply - when you are with someone who allows you the freedom to express yourself without judgement, more is begat - this is the growth I was mentioning. Lastly, writing poetry for someone who would not, could not, appreciate it is meaningless. I finally had someone with whom I could share myself fully; unabashedly. I'm unsure even Cassie knows why I think she's one of the strongest people I've ever met, and to be fair, it comes down to my own ego. I have been courting her for two full years - 730 days of courting her ceaselessly - and not once has she faltered, or stumbled. Many people see this as her not being interested, but she has shown me so much more; I see so much more within her. Either way, I did finally get a slight verbalization from her with Sonnet 9:

King Solomon and Shakespeare both lament
there exists more things in heaven and earth
Than from our philosophies ever dreamt
Nor under the sun for finding our worth

Yet I stand today whole and undeterred
For the purpose to draw thy attention
Yes I will be seen and I will be heard
And will hear and see thee by extension

Thou vex me so with thy subdued disdain
Juxtaposed by thy gentle suggestions
Thou art my joy and my wonder; my bane
My query, my answer, and my questions

Enough time for us to remove our masks
A lifetime with you is all that I ask

And that's the thing no one else ever seems to understands - each relationship is unique. Neither Cassie nor I process as quickly as Dorian, yet ten years of discussing these ideas with Dorian and she still never got it. Twice now Cassie has surprised with her almost immediate synthezation and comprehension. Once, I'd asked her how she knew I wasn't only after her body. I meant it as a rhetorical question but she quickly answered, "Easy, your actions and behavior." I was blown away. The second time was more recently; we were discussing why I did stuff with her I never did with Dorian and she reminded me, "Because our relationship is unique from the one you had with her." Damn straight it is. So no, I never wrote Dorian poetry let alone taught myself to write sonnets, and the only reason I started making Cassie mixes as I do Dorian, was at her suggestion. It was Dorian's idea for me to make her a Valentine's Mix (yeah, I'm looking at you V23C) because during that time she still wanted me to woo her for the both of us - she wanted me to seduce Cassie, and by that time I was over the moon about doing so. Shortly afterward however, Dorian was devastated that I had done so - wanted to know what would motivate me to choose the songs I did for her Valentine Mix. I tried to explain to her that I was in love with her, and they were songs with represented that love, coupled with what I thought she might enjoy for her first mix, but she was genuinely hurt that I made her that mix, closing herself off to me even further, despite it being her idea.