2024-08-14
My wife and I both practice - for lack of a better word - manifestation, albeit in very different ways. Hers is more closely aligned with the feel-good self-help book, The Secret whereas my own is steeped heavily in psychology. Don't get me wrong, she's very good at it as proven time and again. But so am I. While I freely admit to "visualizing" a life with my wife and her best friend, most of my energy has been put into changing the words I use which help create new synapses for different thinking, affecting my attitude which changes my behavior. Basically cognitive behavioral theory (CBT) is the "manifestation" I've been using for decades to great success. Far different (and, I assume far more sustainable), than The Secret and its ilk. Well, that and my first-ever, "Vision Board." I asked Cass once if she'd like to see my vision board. Knowing me well enough to be surprised I had one, she replied, "Of course I would!" I sent her the URL. It was every selfie she'd ever sent me, and every photograph of her I've ever taken.
I also assume (as I am not a psychologist) this is how the destructive power of the cognitive dissonance theory of self-fulfilling prophecies work. You become the thing you most despise because of the repeated cycle of dichotomous words, harmful thoughts, poor attitude, and erratic behavior. Which is why I knew exactly what was going to transpire, and why, when my wife stated, "You'll be in her arms instead of mine within two years." I begged her to change her thinking; to not say nor entertain those thoughts - but it was too late to convince her I wasn't leaving her for her best friend, despite having zero desire to do so. Ten years of discussion surrounding our respective experiences in polyamory and how we'd personally wield it collectively if the time ever came - gone in a flash - and with it, a brand new manifestation was added to our combined consciousness.
Months before, as we were laying in bed together, she brought up the relationship escalator, and my promise to her we would always reevaluate were something threatening the relationship itself. For those not familiar, it's the idea that all "serious" relationships follow an automatic pattern of escalation as determined by the traditions of the lowest common denominator amongst us. We promised each other not only would we eschew the escalator, in essence creating escalation procedures which were tailored for us, we would also revisit pressure points without limits as a way to gauge relationship health and apply any necessary changes. I was completely open to this of course, and listened intently to her concerns.
She told me she no longer wanted to be poly.
As this did indeed interfere with our long-standing plans, I began re-ordering my thoughts and reevaluating my options. I made a mental list of everything I would have to reframe in order to ensure her request was fully met while minimizing any potential collateral damage. She took my non-verbal processing for doubt, and reminded me, "You've always promised me we would reevaluate and back out if something wasn't working. This isn't working for me." When I had completed my internal evaluation, I announced, "Done. It is off the table and won't be mentioned again."
As God is my witness, it never was. I removed the polyamorous nature of the relationship from my scenario running, my thoughts, and my words. While I remained curious as to the reason behind her abrupt about-face on the very thing she promoted for years, up to and including as recently as the week prior, I nonetheless stood by my own vow to her, for the health of our own relationship. Once, during a rather moving expression of emotional maturity, she stated, "If Cassie is a better fit for you than me, you can go to be with her. I'll be sad, but I'll get over it." I was sincerely touched by the sentiment, but as that was never my intention, I reassured her I would gain nothing by giving up something I loved only to replace it with something else I loved - that love itself wasn't defined in such a manner. Looking back, my acquiescence was the beginning of the end.
It was a day like any other when my phone played the light melody of bells I used as Cassie's text notification. I reached for it, likely smiled, and no doubt replied. My wife asked, "Why are you still talking with Cassie?" I'm not sure words alone can express the level of incomprehension which must have crossed my face. Like, what was she even talking about? Where did something like this come from? I was literally aghast. It wasn't until later of course I was able to piece together that when my wife announced she no longer wanted to be poly, she'd actually meant she no longer wanted me to be poly, and took my announcement as agreement to cut all contact with her best friend, and...I guess no longer be in love with her? I was now guilty in her mind of breaking not only her trust, but also of engaging in an illicit affair. A notion she continues to hold. We'd go to the library and she'd check out books on, "How to forgive your husband for having an affair" as if she hadn't wanted me to do so, and as if I'd kept anything secret from her. That's not who I am, and I would never put someone Ioved through that trauma. To my own detriment sometimes, I disclose absolutely everything in the spirit of transparency for this very reason - so I can never be accused of being someone I am not. Awkwardly, that's going to happen sometimes anyway, because we can ever only be responsible for ourselves, and never what other people may choose to think or how they behave.
Cassie once told me that the (at the time) 18-months of pursuing her didn't show me what she's really like to live with, and that if I spent that kind of time with her in person, I'd probably discover I didn't really like her after all. It was then that I promised I would therefore platonically date her for 18-months in order to make that determination for myself. It's been a running joke with us ever since, despite my repeated intention to follow through. Once however, she let slip it wouldn't be platonic. "Oh?" I queried? Apparently my wife had once pulled her aside and told her, "I really do wish you'd consider having sex with Eric at least once. It's an amazing, loving experience."
Cassie replied to me, "With her manifestation skills, she really should've been more careful with what she put out to the universe."
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