Love Unabashedly

Be Present

Be Present

Be Intimate

Love Languages

Fears and Dreams

Show Them

New Mexico, New Beginnings - Chapter 5

"You can make love to me in the afternoons, but you should make love to Cass in the evenings - that's when she'll need you the most," my wife would say. Years before her best friend's divorce she often spoke of bringing her into our lives, and into my bedroom. She couldn't think of a more perfect triad - her best friend and her husband - it would be effortless - especially since she was the only one at the time who knew how similar the two of us were. Cassie and I also both enjoy cooking and Dorian would often share highly visual stories of us working in the kitchen together, laughing, feeding her. Our, "sister-wife" she called her for nearly a full decade. When I fell in love with Cassie, she was excited at the prospect it might finally, actually come true.

After her best friend's divorce - but before I realized I'd fallen for her so completely - my wife pulled her aside and explained they would, "take turns" marrying me. Her thought was I could divorce her and marry Cassie, adding her and her children to my insurance for a year so they could get checkups and medical care, then divorce and remarry her - a pattern which could be repeated over and over. Cassie, initially aghast at the prospect, queried, "...and you're okay with this? But how is that going to work if Eric doesn't love me?"

"Oh, he does," my wife told her, "And absolutely I'm okay with it - it was my idea," she beamed.

I don't know when, where, how, or even if the seeds she planted ever took root, but in retrospect, with Dorian distancing herself from support during the divorce, sleeping every time we were in New Mexico, and actually telling Cassie to talk to me all day every day instead of her, it opened the door for Cassie and I to grow rather close, and form an intimate emotional bond - something my wife would later call an, "emotional affair" as if I had hidden from her my growing relationship rather than having disclosed every word, thought, and action in realtime as it all unfolded - all the while blaming her best friend for initialing and maintaining our connection. It was curious hearing her tell our therapist, "Oh, I said those things, but I didn't mean any of them." Zero accountability of intimating, suggesting, then outright planning our three-way union over the course of a decade.

I understand changing one's mind - it happens. I understand grappling with new emotions - it happens. I understand receiving new information which alters our perspective - again, it happens. What I don't understand is embracing a completely opposite worldview, then denying any of the previous pattern ever existed, while simultaneously deciding to not discuss any of the reasons behind that fundamental shift, yet making new demands based upon it. Trust me, that will upend your world, and the world of those around you who have come to trust, over time, who you are, how you behave, and your standard modus operandi which, incidentally, is exactly how trust is supposed to work - consistency in action, attitude, and behavior. Those who irrationally fly off the handle, feel that irrationally flying off the handle is ever justified, and choose anger without articulated reason are the ones we do not trust, because that level of volatility keeps us off-balance. To her credit Dorian never outwardly displayed anger, but the volatility was present, throwing everything off-balance.

Especially after telling Cassie over and over and over she was fine with absolutely everything which was transpiring - because she wanted Cassie to have that secure, emotional, intellectual, and sexual relationship with me. Up until she didn't, then used it against us both.

When her reversal of intention led to the dissolution of our own marriage, the first words out of her mouth were, "I'm sure going to miss your medical insurance."

2024 - Eighth Session

I wasn't scheduled this week, but did ask to be contacted if she had a cancellation.

I was, for lack of a better word, "up" when I arrived. So many changes going on in my life seemingly culminating. I don't remember even giving her a change to speak, or respond. I just data dumped all over her, and left.