Cyclogist

I was telling MemoDude about GeekFriend's suggestion that I see a psychologist instead of a therapist. Much to my surprise, he leans back and tells me, "I'm something of an armchair psychologist myself - nothing professional of course - But I'm willing to hear you out, and give you a psychologist's perspective." Honestly, I was curious what he had to say. He excused himself first, then came downstairs wearing a t-shirt with a bicycle across the chest, with the word, "Cyclogist" underneath.

I began my synopsis, but didn't to get very far before he said, "You need to flush this out of your system, whatever it is you're holding onto, be it anger, or anxiety, or fear."

"I'm not holding onto any of those things." I explained my attraction to intimacy - how it was, for lack of a better word, my worldview - but that intimacy was unique in that it is one of the few things which couldn't be experienced alone; at a minimum, it required a single partner. "Then what you need to flush Eric, is love," he said. I probably appeared dumbstruck. I mean, I can see ridding yourself of negative thoughts which manifest as anger, anxiety, or fear - but love?

"You need to decide a course of action, and this will free you. Move forward - give yourself a time limit on this, and follow through. Or, conversely, give. up the pursuit and move on - again on a time limit. This will free your resources and expel the dilemma trapping you."

I was dumbstruck again, but this time in dawning awareness. Damn, he was good. I'm not good with arbitrarily set time/date constraints, but nonetheless understood what he was saying, and already knew that's what I needed to do. Ultimately, it would be fine once movement toward an action was taken, no matter which way things went; it would allow time to grieve, heal, and progress forward. He switched out of psychologist mode and asked me about her - how we met, how it felt, that sort of stuff. Again, I didn't get very far before he stopped me: "Oh my goodness, Eric, what you experienced was a real, physical reaction. Do you know how rare that is? It happens once, maybe twice in a person's lifetime. What you experienced was a miracle. Now that I understand I will say, if you set a time limit and choose to back off, you will regret this for rest of your life. You may find someone else, but it will never be the same - never feel the same - and what you have with her will be lost forever. She is unique and will never be replaced. I would suggest instead you move forward - make a plan, and communicate it to her with a timeline. Do not let this opportunity be lost."

I told him, "I know she's unique but she always asks how. If it is indeed a miracle, that may explain it."

I also explained that she didn't feel the same - that I had been trying to move forward, but this was not something I could solo, that it required commitment on both sides. He understood immediately and told me, "No, she is already in love with you, but you two need to start from the beginning. When you see her next you say to her, "Hello, my name is Eric, and I'm single."" He was downright beaming, and even convinced himself she and I were lovers in another life 100 years ago, just now reconnecting in this life.

Sonnet 18

In this life, and in the next one too
We have limited opportunity
In which our dreams can actul'ly come true
To purely love, with full impunity

Why do we cower? Imagine failure?
Afraid of it all and fearful of fear
We forget we control our behavior
Which leads to happiness instead of tears

I won't run screaming, I'll face what you face
For together we can forge such power
And strength when I place you in an embrace
For years, months, days, and hour by hour

Actively, fiercely our fears to the test
And the only outcome we'll see? Success!