New Mexico, New Beginnings - Chapter 4

The first and last time I was jealous - actual, primal jealously - was when I was 19. This was during my whole, only-dating-married-women thing, and I was awake in the middle of the night. I walked to the fireplace in the living room which was dying, but still putting out some heat, and I could hear the couple I was living with at the time making love. I suddenly didn't need the fire any longer, as this hot, burning flush filled every cell in my body. Logically, what they were doing made sense - they were married after all. But this was the first time my 19-year old self was experiencing this level of jealousy so I hadn't yet processed and cataloged it. Eventually, I conquered it.

I am not jealous of my partner's other lovers anymore. Compersion is receiving joy at another's joy, and I want my lovers and partners to be happy. I obviously shouldn't expect to be the only one to always fill all of my partner's needs all of the time. That too, is illogical. As is jealousy. Cass knows this about me - that I am not a jealous person - but she also knows I keep telling her that she is somehow different than all my previous lovers. This would appear to be another data point in that regard, as I am jealous with her. Surprisingly so. Perhaps another reason I feel I can be completely monogamous with her, forever. I honestly don't understand it myself. Those who know me know I love wordplay - double entendre's and such. The other day I said something which could’ve been taken as a double-entendre though at the time I didn't mean for it to; “I’m getting into shape so I can love you longer.” She replied, “Oh, the things I could say…” and I should’ve replied, “I wish you would,” to open that door, but completely missed my opportunity. I’ve been haunted by my stumble ever since. In part, because that's opposite of my normal response.

You see, she talks to other men - ones she says are meaningless - about sex. I want what they have. The part of her which allows them to tell her what they desire - presumably about her - sexually. And I assume what they’d do with her, for her, were they allowed. Perhaps even her thoughts on whatever tales they weave. But I do not have that with her. Yet I desire it; want it for my relationship with her. I’m also unwilling to lose the part of her I’m allowed to see just to get it. I don't want my relationship with her to be only this or only that - I want the whole of her; all of her. So yes, I sometimes feel inadequate knowing she doesn't share that part of herself with me, yet freely with others. And yes, for the first time since I was 19-years old, jealous - of other men. Citing my earlier stumbled responce, perhaps the fault is entirely my own? Perhaps she desires it too, and is as equally uncomfortable given our tumultuous beginnings. I will bring this up to her during our face-to-face.

My ex-wife and I were in an open marriage. I only ever practiced ethical non-monogamy; I never cheated on her. Dorian and I both came from polyamorous relationships, though we were monogamous with one another for 10-years. We were monogamous because our needs were being met entirely through our relationship. There were times I suggested she seek comfort outside the relationship. You see, I do not own my wife, I never tell her what she can, or cannot do; I do not attempt to, "control" her. She has free will. If my feelings are hurt by her actions, I do not request nor demand she cease those actions. Ever. I express my feelings on the matter so she has that information, then work on myself to overcome those hurt feelings, be them jealousy, insecurity, or any other points of contention. In short, I absolve her of the responsibility of my feelings and own them myself because that is healthy, just as I would never tell Cass to not text other men. I am confident enough in myself, eventually my committed relationship with Cass, and my trust in her to be able to handle her own needs as required. But that doesn't mean I automatically don't feel the feels sometimes when I'm first faced with new situations. Not emotionally reacting to those feelings is at the crux of emotional management.

But it did get me thinking about overcompensation again - going from one extreme to the other - and that perhaps there is such a thing as a healthy amount of jealousy? Like the kind of jealousy a husband should have for his wife, as an example. Perhaps I've been missing out and am only just now coming to realize that sprinkle of jealousy can keep couples engaged; interested; desirable. I don't know, but I am learning through experience and attempting to apply what I learn.