So, You're Frustrated: A Guide

“I’ve started to get all these weirdo feelings.
Like I have fear with no specific object.
What is that?” ~Barbie

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This is not a treatise on generalized frustration (assuming there is such a thing), rather trying to determine if feelings of frustration have a specific trigger, and how to discover what it may be. While I will present this process in a step-by-step outline, the steps themselves may not be simple, or easy. These types of things rarely are when done properly, and for honest reflection. So without further ado:

• REVIEW this comprehensive Wheel of Emotion to ascertain if frustration is indeed the specific emotion we are feeling. As we can see, there are two sub-categories stemming from frustration; furious, and annoyance. My own feelings of frustration are almost never being infuriated, rather annoyed. On closer inspection however, we may find a closer match on the outer ring all stemming from anger. Study them closely, as if we discover it more accurately describes an adjacent feeling, that may help us discover its origin.




• DISCOVER the root of all these associated feelings (in this case, anger). We need to focus on what makes us angry, or more specifically, what is making us angry right now? This is where the outer ring can help us narrow down the cause of our now highly specific feeling. We have to ask ourselves, "When did these feelings start?" and "What happened recently?" or even, "Where was I/What was I doing?"




• COURSE CORRECT: Emotions are entirely normal and a part of navigating life successfully. We're not necessarily attempting to NOT feel frustrated, rather identify a possible pattern surrounding those feelings so we can either steel ourselves for future scenarios, or (if possible) avoid them altogether for a fun, happy, frustration-free life. As an example, the majority of my own frustrations stem from not being good enough/smart enough when I wish to do something new or challenging. Silly? Sure. Does knowing its silly of me help? Not at all.

• COMPARE our desire to live by specific values with the actual values we currently embody using this list of values.
  
  
  
  • INTROSPECT: This will require quite a bit of introspection, and has the potential to be rather uncomfortable. There are often values we want to live by, but often don't, for a myriad of entirely valid reasons we may not have even considered. And a lot of this will span numerous philosophical reasons as well. For example, we may want to live authentically, but struggle with betrayal. Or we wish to live religiously, but struggle with doubt. Perhaps we wish to live altruistically, yet our own basic needs aren't being met. This causes a chasm in our existential life, and reconciliation is only as easy as we are honest with ourselves.
  
  
  
  
  • SELF-EVALUATION alone isn't fun or simple, and we're beseeched by something almost completely out of our control called self-deception. This isn't a criticism, rather a truth. And it makes it exceedingly difficult to self-evaluate. Why? Well as author Joseph Nguyen posits, don't believe everything you think.
  
  
  
  
  • This is necessary only if we are sincere about living authentically and freeing ourselves from the cycle of unwarranted surprise emotions.
  
  

• ACCEPT that it's okay to get frustrated, and sometimes we just need that emotion to help put things in our life in perspective. If we choose to wield it as a tool, it can be a helpful indicator of what we wish to remove from our lives.




• It's okay, really - there's nothing wrong with us!

Values, Part III

Writing prompt:

Poly vs cheating. How and why are they different?

TL;DR: Transparency; authenticity

poly (Greek) for, "many" and amorous (Latin) for [sexual] "love" was a term coined circa 1990 to denote, "loving many." While at face value a cheater could be seen as also loving many, I would argue sex outside a loving relationship isn't love at all, instead something very different, which is why I prefer the term ethical non-monogamy. Even using this term in that way seems counter-productive given monogamy (Greek) for "single+marriage" as we practice it today only became a popular configuration for 0.28% of the time we have been on this earth. People who practice monogamy (ethical or otherwise) would be the clear outlier - even according to the Bible and its variants; a common pseudo-authority people enjoy misrepresenting for the argument of their position on the subject. But this isn't about the Greeks, the Italians, or even the Bible. Rather, a look into how each of us justify living authentically while attempting to adhere to the nonmaleficence principle.

This exercise requires shelving malum prohibitum focusing instead upon our individual value system, expectation management, conflict resolution, and communication skills, as would be required in any relationship regardless of sociosexual configuration. Ethical non-monogamy requires all of these skills to be performed out in the open, transparently, eschewing subterfuge. Reviewing a list of 419 values suggests we, collectively, do not maintain identical values as unique individuals. Throw into this already chaotic mix of diverse values with the understanding they should evolve as we experience, learn, grow, and change, and quite suddenly navigation through the knowns and unknowns appears even more precarious.

Tricky things values as they are wedged distinctly between beliefs, which form them, and behavior, which is their visible manifestation. This is how those with whom we interact can determine what we believe without us ever vocalizing it. We may also notice the goals which were most important for us to obtain in our 20s may differ from our goals in our 30s and again in our 40s. The values we embody will no doubt closely reflect those changing goals, and given how linear time works, this scenario would be applicable to the eight billion people upon this earth at any given time.

Within a percentage of that population, there are those who are seeking reprieve perhaps, in one form or another, and cheat on their significant other. This is an emotional or sexual affair which is kept hidden - an earmark of cheaters. Commonality among reasons exists for cheaters, most (not all) of which are heartbreaking, but the number one reason is lack of connection; creating, maintaining, and nurturing a connection within the relationship itself. A tall order to be sure. Serial monogamists often try another approach, having a string of lovers one-at-a-time which may better mesh with their personality or lifestyle, or within the confines of their pursuit of values. Often serial monogamists don't consider themselves ethical non-monogamists though the argument could certainly be made, and since the prior relationship is effectively over, neither do they consider themselves cheaters, as there is no need for secrecy. But all of these disparate behaviors are subject to our own, personal values.

Is it also then possible that the personal values of someone whose priority is connection may wish to engage in loving relationships with multiple people simultaneously, without getting tangled in the relative morality of either cheating or serial monogamy? Cheaters and serial monogamists both are chasing after their own needs looking to be fulfilled - we fault them while simultaneously endeavoring to fill our own needs. Our opinions of them are rooted solely in our own worldview, from which we judge. We endeavor to do no harm through transparent dialogue, vulnerability, and reciprocity. Yet when opposing values meet, we turn to them again as our authority to justify that judgement. Interesting things about values - none of them are more right or more wrong than another, yet when based upon our, "strongly held beliefs" we often cannot be otherwise persuaded.

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^{Values: The Beating Heart of Behavior
Values, Pt. II}