Narrative Conflict

I struggle. There is so much still I want to say; to experience. Info-dumping is one of my ADHD-fueled traits and I must be aware of it - attuned to those around me. Dialogue is not effective without the sender and receiver both on the same frequency of communication styles. The process can be arduous but wholly fulfilling once reached. At the same time I am fighting a measured, internal conflict of ensuring everyone's needs are always met - including my own - while attempting to adjust for psychology and the linear construct of time while operating in a veritable vacuum. I am heavily influenced through data gained via empirical evidence and input. When there is none to be had (or it is slow coming), my fallback is to rely upon my own past experiences adjusted for any present variables in the given scenario. It would probably be easier if I were kinder to myself in this regard, but in an information blackout, I often feel helpless.

Which is where my acknowledgment and acceptance of timing comes into play - I have absolutely been there myself so I understand the rapidly changing emotional storm and what is required to quieten it. Loosely, time itself. In other words the thing I most desire, if returned too quickly would be suspect given my knowledge of these things and I've experienced firsthand the damage that can cause when you're completely unaware of it. Likely easier for those who are not datapoint-driven! Push too hard and lose everything. Don't push enough - same result? I don't know. It's a balancing act. The Middle Path would be easier without chemically-induced synapses firing far too often.

The contradiction for me personally, is my seemingly limitless capacity of patience. Which is a godsend. But I seem to require data to process in order to maintain it. As long as the data is coming in, I find it easy to adjust. Without it, I am lost. I mean, to a point. I do understand this is a situation of my own creation and impacts more than just myself in a myriad of ways, some of which I am probably not even aware. I look forward to meeting those challenges with aplomb, I do. But its difficult to prepare for that which you're unaware, which is where stoicism seems to help - reminding myself I can only change my own attitude and reactions, and must be ready at all times to accept any eventual conclusions.

Thankfully no outcome will mar who am I, or how I behave. I will always be my friendly, loving, gregarious self no matter what. Perhaps in a modified guise until that too becomes the norm. Thus is life <3