The Empirical Manifesto

I'd previously described my own personal demisexuality as a resonance thing where the physical and emotional and sexual and intellectual all just mesh so perfectly they intertwine effortlessly. Some understand that statement perfectly, while others wish to know what I mean by, "resonance" or "emotional" or any other part of that sentence in excruciating detail. I'm good with providing that, but at the same time knowing where it comes from is key. Most (not all) of the time it comes from fear. The question is being used as a sort of binary defense system, or worse, comparison. Comparison is truly the killer here as I have experienced far too often, because once your partner heads down the comparison path, it is seemingly impossible to recover.

Imagine, if you will, standing in the middle of an imaginary square. In each corner of that square reside wave form generators labeled physical, emotional, sexual, and intellectual. These are of course very broad labels. For example physical might include mannerisms, hobbies, activity level, tone, smell, appearance, et cetera. Ideally my partner would match my own. Anything exceeding or falling below my own may fall out of alignment with resonance. This isn't blame, or good enough, or again, any comparison whatsoever - simply, "Hey, it's not matching my own unique frequency or I'm not matching yours." It is also not a dealbreaker. So what if that one doesn't align perfectly - not everything has to. But for the sake of this exercise, let's say that one's vibing. Excellent, but there are three others which need to be activated to feel those deep delta waves from the center of the imaginary square.

The next one which hits off might be intellectual. Again, this doesn't necessarily include your IQ, your highest level of schooling completed, or your personal/professional accomplishments - it's really more in how you think; process information; articulate. Please understand it doesn't necessarily preclude those things either. Sometimes when those things differ too much from my own, resonance may be difficult to reach or be maintained. But it is important to keep in mind this too isn't a comparison, simply a thing which exists. Be advised if this wave generator kicks off, we're now going to have some overlap with the previous one. Does how you communicate for example mesh with your mannerisms in doing so? Or your tone; volume; expression. So not only resonance with me, but also resonance with the other wave generators. Again, not necessarily a dealbreaker, but the amount of compensation between the wave generators and also myself may not be as easily sustainable, especially with so many in play.

Sexual for those of us who are demi more often than not comes after an emotional connection is formed. More often than not - not always. Each one of these wave generators exists on a wide spectrum which is filled with nuance and discernment and many other as-of-yet-unamed pieces and processes which define love and attraction and chemicals and balance; again, resonance. I have been known to find the single most unattractive people I have ever met beautiful beyond compare once I get to know them - and vice versa. That's how it works with me.

Which brings us to the emotional connection part, and for the demisexual, the one on which the rest usually hang. Without this wave generator running, most of the others will never align. I get a lot of hate for pursuing that which does not immediately interest me. Subsequently I am saddened others don't apply the same risk/reward to personal relationship as I do. Went on a coffee date once with a girl I didn't necessarily find attractive until I spent time with her. Suddenly, I was smitten. Went on another coffee with an INTJ who told me I met only one of the three wave generators she required. I didn't need more explanation than that, and appreciated the opportunity. Fell in love once with a girl who met all four but I didn't meet all of hers. Was I saddened by this? Of course! Did I want to force a relationship regardless? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Because resonance is bi-directional. That said, I do wish some potential partners would give the ones which aren't jiving a chance, but only because it sometimes takes me a period of time to adjust my own in order to be able to receive another's.

Don't you also want someone with whom you vibe effortlessly?