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PSYCHOLOGY TODAY; OCTOBER 2013 - KINGS AND QUEENS OF CHAOS:



Borderline personalities are characterized...by volatility...Emotional dysregulation and impulsivity are at the disorder's core. Sufferer's swing from happiness to despair to fury, often in minutes, and each feeling is vastly disproportionate to its trigger.

volatility - evaporating rapidly; explosive
emotional dysregulation - having completely the wrong reaction
impulsivity - acting without thought or consequence
swing - to cause to or oscillate in different directions from a fixed point
despair - loss of hope which can affect thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being
fury - intense rage
disproportionate - magnitude of inequality by comparison
trigger - stressor event

There's an inner sense of emptiness that can be haunting. Uncertainty about who they are often keeps them from following a clear path in life. Seeding the emotional storms is a hypersensitivity to rejection. Borderlines are quick to assume others are excluding them - and quick to react to that perceived rejection.

sense - feeling or perception
emptiness - having none of the usual or appropriate contents
haunting - appearing frequently; recurring persistently
hypersensitivity - falling far outside baseline reactions
quick - easily provoked
assume - belief presupposes truth without proof
rejection - deliberately excluded for social reasons
react - to act in response to an agent or influence
perceived - belief based interpretation

Borderlines' all-consuming fear of rejection stems from a bone-deep terror that the people they're close to will abandon them. The fear of abandonment commonly drives borderlines to seek confirmation that they truly matter. Their overwrought rejection sensitivity lead borderlines to asses other people and situations in all-or-nothing terms. Borderlines engineer the ending of the very relationships they covet by wearing out friends and loved ones.

all-consuming - completely engrossing; the most important focus
fear - emotion induced by a (usually future) perceived threat
terror - great fear
overwrought - extremely and/or excessively agitated
all-or-nothing - grossly inaccurate representations; binary; black-and-white

In 100% of the borderline support websites which aid in relationship retention, the borderline acknowledges their disorder, and are in active therapy. In reality, not all borderlines believe in any of this crap.

Holding on so tightly to something which did not exist, burning it to memory, creating an immutable belief out of it so it could never be dissuaded, then orchestrating their greatest fear just to say, "I told you so. I was right. I win," as they stand amidst the ashes of their hollow victory.

Textbook.
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Because I normally operate in an optimistic state of awe about everything around me, I can extol the virtues of such - the strength in doing so versus the timid, unaccomplished mess I imagine myself to otherwise be. Because this modus operandi has been so successful for me, my assumption has therefore been that those who normally operate under (any number or combination of) aggressive/contempt/apathy/pessimism are, if not unsuccessful, then at least unhappy. How can one be happy and apathetic? Or see the world with contempt and be at peace in one's heart?

What if the answer is familiarity? What if it is indeed "because" of how I respond to everything around me? Were I a different sort of fellow I might write, "Because I normally operate in a pessimistic state of disbelief about everything around I can extol the virtues of such?" A pessimist would see themselves as strong, and battle-ready, imagining themselves perhaps as a whimpering apathetic mess were they optimists. Perhaps they are on a quest to sway everyone to their side as they've discovered the path to true happiness?

Given the complexity and inflexibility of our given personalities - that which encompasses the tightly woven mesh of how we act/react at an emotional and logical level, identified by our attitude and how we choose to behave under many different stimuli - and given the many different types of personalities/personality combinations it wouldn't be accurate to say one is better than the other. In fact, it might be more accurate to see that our personality works best for each of us.

But what about personality disorders?

I wasn't kidding when I armchair-diagnosed myself with EPD in August. Wikipedia says that "Those diagnosed with a personality disorder may experience difficulties in cognition, emotiveness, interpersonal functioning or control of impulses," and are diagnosed in 40-60% of patients. That number comes from the personalities which seek out answers. Extrapolate that with 40-60% of the numerous personalities who don't. What makes us think we're not somehow in "the majority" of people? Anyone who is reading this probably has some form of personality disorder, yet depending upon personality type probably don't believe it, or don't care. Funny how personalities work, innit?

Personally my wife accuses me of being non-emotive. While I have a tendency to agree with her, I've been told by many others with different personalities that I am the most emotive person they've ever met. Which is it? Well, depending upon personality, it can be both. Perception. Expectation. I would say this blog represents the sum total of my very personal and sometimes highly emotive thoughts. Just because its not seen in my face or heard in my tone doesn't mean its not there. Perception. Expectation.

That said, I know people who do experience difficulties in cognition, difficulties in interpersonal functioning, and difficulties in control of impulses. This could be me! This could be any number of us! Surely everyone who has a personality can't have a personality disorder, so what causes one? Usually a traumatic event. Given what we know about the complexities of personalities, I would guess different people could experience the same "traumatic" event at the same time/place in their lives and we'd get many different results, some not even registering the event as traumatic, and others having the rest of their lives forever changed by it. So really, what's the big deal? Sadly, maladaptive coping skills. A big deal because now we have this person who is cognitively challenged, behaving inappropriately because of it, and thinking their behavior is normal.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders suggests, "The onset of these patterns of behavior can typically be traced back to early adolescence and the beginning of adulthood and, in some instances, childhood." Patterns of behavior. Ah. And this could NOT be me. It might NOT be any number of us. I used to read a lot of Joyce Meyer. One of her books started with her having awoke and the day was perfect! No one pissed her off, she didn't have any errant thoughts or begrudging/resentful feelings. In fact, she stated everything was as it should be in the world - then she got out of bed. Suddenly, all of that was subject to change.

Maybe Joyce Meyer has a personality disorder?

It would be foolish to dismiss the idea. Even having inconsistent patters of behavior during times of change and growth and not having suffered "truama" in my youth I considered it applicable to myself. What type of personality do you think would dismiss the possibility? Or perhaps only those with personality disorders would?
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I've convinced myself I have a personality disorder. I have convinced myself of this based upon the behavior of those around me, through exhaustive research both online and printed material, and professional psychoanalysis. Because its brand new, I've decided I suffer from EHOWTON PERSONALITY DISORDER or "EPD".

When its suggested that someone has a personality disorder normal people would react with, "Nuh-uh" and immediately dismiss the notion, never asking for information or what would trigger such a statement. EPD sufferers react with, "OMG OMG OMG could it be true? Why do you think that? What do you see that I'm missing?" Then delve into attempting to confirm or deny the assertion. EPD sufferers have a genuine desire to understand themselves and those around them in an endeavor for peaceful relations through mutual cooperativeness and an extreme rational tendency. Pretty frightening stuff, and I would know.

Sufferers of EPD also have a whole host of far-reaching issues such as having a reality which remains consistent and unchanging no matter what emotion the sufferer may feel at the time, an acknowledgement and understanding of both the transient nature of change and its resulting causality, and the impermanence of ideas and beliefs based on ever-changing circumstances and experiences. Honestly, its a scary world out there when you know that people could change, or lifelong dreams could mutate based on any number of criteria over time.

EHOWTON PERSONALITY DISORDER is no laughing matter. While its funny to mock and take advantage of those who swim the foreign waters of shades of gray by lobbing purely black & white false dichotomies at them to watch them waffle with incomprehension, you might feel differently walking a mile in their shoes. Just because they feel that the beauty and effectiveness of critical thinking isn't in knowing everything about everything, rather identifying limitations in conceptions and seeking alternatives doesn't mean you have to flaunt inflexibility at them. We can't all be normal.

I guess the hardest thing about being me - the namesake of this debilitating disorder - is the constant feeling of aloneness in believing that relationships aren't just simply-constructed, one-way streets of security - that relationships require adjusting and adapting, knowing oneself, and constant redefinition to continually evolve and fit ever-changing circumstances. To incorporate each partner's changes and find ways to meet their new needs or wither and die. Nothing is forever unless it changes, and sometimes things change whether you want them to or not. EPD is all about thinking that while you can change yourself, you can never change other people, and that's one bitter pill to swallow; when others find your limitlessness, limiting.

I beseech you all - if any of this sounds like you - seek help before its too late.
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