Epiphany

[ehowton]

I feel as though a heavy weight has been lifted from me; I am light as air - best mood I've been in for months! In fact, looking back, I don't even know how she was able to pull off exerting such crippling control over me. It has all the tell-tale signs of an abusive relationship; I just didn't see it. It was so insidious I didn't even notice it happening and I swore to myself I'd never live like that again, yet here I was.

Please understand, I am not accusing anyone of purposely being abusive, simply that these things can sometimes occur in the background without either party being aware, but once identified, they lose their iron-grip of power immediately, which is where I now find myself. There are indicators of controlling relationships that I didn't think applied for obvious reasons - that being, falling in love with my wife's BFF - so they seemed reasonable until she was able to get a handle on them I think, as we all sometimes do. I now believe it was these perspectivally humble beginnings which caused me to be blinded to their escalation; being told when and when not to communicate, and jealousy which increases instead of subsides, that sort of thing. But it was the last two of these three which completely blindsided and ensnared me:

• A controlling partner will tell you what you are and are not allowed to do.


• A controlling partner twists your experience around.


• A controlling partner will always say that their emotions are your fault.

During one six-month period she demanded I stop texting BFF but allowed me one email per day. Because she wasn't making any attempt to offset the loss, I became withdrawn, and crawled into myself for six months. There was no physical affection, no emotional affection, and no interaction - for half a year. At the conclusion of her little experiment, and myself very nearly completely broken, she told the BFF that our marriage was, "the best it's ever been." After re-establishing communication with the BFF, she redoubled her efforts for me to cut all communication. That's a controlling partner telling you what you are and are not allowed to do.

As far as twisting experiences around, readers of this blog are probably bored with the many times I bring up endeavoring to practice, to the fullest extent, transparency, vulnerability, dialogue, and reciprocity. Gaslighting - if that's what this is - absolutely works, which is why it took me so long to see it. I wrote these words over a week ago:

When transparency is seen as betrayal, vulnerability is subject to judgment, reciprocity is nonexistent despite clear, unequivocal communication for it, intimacy no longer exists.

 
Her reaction to the most pure things I have to offer, were twisted into their dark, opposite meanings. I saw it, but didn't understand that's what was happening.

The last one has been the most difficult because I suggested therapy. And our Licensed Master Social Worker agreed with my wife that her emotions were indeed...my fault, and as she is speaking from a position of authority, is to be believed.

But on to a brighter future! Once I realized what had happened to my life over the last 12-months, I was immediately shed from (most, not all) fears and self-doubts. The behavior I was beholden to lost its control because this is absolutely NOT how mature, adult relationships are supposed to work. I remember wringing my hands thinking if my wife and BFF stopped being friends would I ever see her again? That was the controlling relationship reaction. As it stands now, I may drive out there and stay the weekend. My wife is welcome to join me if she likes, but never again will she tell me what I can and cannot do. Since she won't freely give me the same respect I give her, I'll simply operate under assumption of the same respect.