Layered Equality

[ehowton]

I often try to look at things as they could be interpreted by others, and while I have only a limited perspective in which to do so, the act of the exercise alone I would hope keeps part humble, aware, and compassionate as the circumstance may dictate. Admittedly when I write, I sometimes use imagery in which can be layered with meaning; at times to obfuscate that which I wish to remain unspoken while simultaneously carrying out the feeling I wish to invoke or express, but also to observe which interpretation readers more closely identify. This can be a powerful tool in which to reverse-engineer attitudes, beliefs, and worldviews. It is also a mild indicator of how different people processes information.

During one our few sessions together with the last therapist, wifey wasn't entirely pleased to learn that some of my behavior was indicative of treating her as an equal. The therapist reiterated that, "this is a good thing," but I also understood where wifey was coming from - when you're aching to get your needs met, sometimes sharing an equal burden of responsibility isn't the best answer. It also seemed to surprise wifey's BFF when I told her I considered her a peer; this after getting the opportunity to sit and talk and really getting to know her.

I've been enjoying exploring the literary and poetic themes of pre-Raphaelite art in AI as well as inserting myself into the scenes. In many of these renderings, I am dressed as a knight, in brilliant armor. Wifey has never let go of the idea that I have an innate need to be the, "knight in shining armor" to gorgeous, delicate women in need - AKA white knight syndrome, despite it not being listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). So yes, I could potentially see reinforcing her claims by doing so. That said, having been a long-time admirer of John Williams Waterhouse's work surely supersedes that assertion. Which brings me back to BFF.

The reason white knight syndrome came up in therapy to begin with was how we each initially responded to the BFF as she was going through her divorce. Wifey felt it too close to, "good cop, bad cop" with her always filling the bad cop role, and me the doting father figure. I'm not entirely sure on the specifics of this next part, but my falling in love with the BFF surely exacerbated her feelings on the subject, at one point suggesting it may very well be an unhealthy relationship given the fact I was giving off daddy vibes. Our therapist merely echoed my feelings on the matter, that because our individual relationship with the BFF was different, it would be reflected in how, and what, we communicated. I was merely supporting her by being her cheerleader, which I apparently don't do enough with wifey when she needs it - as I see her as not requiring it. Simply put, I expect more from her because of my relationship with her and I know her strengths. And this brings me back to pre-Raphaelites getting their inspiration from poetry and literature.

I've noticed that while yes, I am in armor, I almost always render BFF in armor as well, which got me thinking about this post. In the intervening 18-months since her divorce, and upon the realization I see her as my equal, it would only make sense I would do so, rather than an incapable woman who requires saving. Now I don't know her feelings on the matter - perhaps she'd prefer to be seen that way, and if so, we can certainly explore that possibility together, but in my mind's eye, she's powerful; an equal on the battlefield. What about wifey then? Well, she's is generally draped with the most delicate of pre-Raphaelite clothing. Not because she has to be, because I do know that's what she prefers, and what I cannot seemingly accomplish in real life, at a minimum I can do so in the subtext of imagination.