The Flawed Fraud

[ehowton]

At times I feel a fraud; a make-believe person in a cold harsh world. The skills I profess to have as useless as errant trivia, manifesting nothing tangible at the end of the day - but only when the wind chills me to the bone do I feel old, and frail. The next morning I may awake with the strength of ten men and outpace those younger than myself with efficiency and virility, for my arms are strong and my body lithe from feeding upon the land. I am a genius at whatever I set my hand to. Until I am no longer, and regress once again. An irrational game of up and down dependent seemingly upon the weather alone.

One cup of coffee in ten thousand might rouse memories of my maternal grandmother, a flawed woman raised in a society which subjugated her solely due to the slow evolution of flawed societal rule; raised to believe in things which did not exist because those who brought her up were taught the same by those which brought forth them in a broken cycle of a skipping record playing backwards completely deceiving the listener as to the real message.

Yet I saw no flaws in my grandmother as my own children see none in their grandparents. Will my own grandchildren who see only goodness in me be my sole salvation? Will the passing down from generation to generation unconditional love be enough to wipe away the sins of the father?

Comments

[pcofwildthings.livejournal.com]

I think there is a term for that: Imposter syndrome. Common among highly accomplished people. Not a big deal, really. As far as flaws, I think the greatest thing is that we all have the ability to love and cherish one another, warts and all.

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

Fascinating! Thank you - I feel better already :D No, seriously - that knowledge alone helps alleviate my irrational fear.

[snapper521.livejournal.com]

A deep post...

[michelle1963.livejournal.com]

I have been mulling this post for the past 24 hours. I find the feeling you describe fascinating. Why? I have always felt like far too much of an outsider to have ever reached the point where I might feel like an imposter. One would need to be "in with the in-crowd" first before moving up to imposter status.

In regard to children, there is no perfect parent. Our parents weren't perfect, nor are you. Our parents had anxieties, internal conflicts, questioned themselves, and generally had their own shit to deal with besides being a parent. Personal growth doesn't stop - which often includes not insignificant trauma - just because you are now a parent. But like your parents, your grandparents, and their parents before, you will do the best you can and love your kids. It's really all that can be asked of any parent.

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

One would need to be "in with the in-crowd" first before moving up to imposter status.

Or perhaps part of an eclectic team of outcast geniuses, each with their own skillset and idiosyncrasies? Imposter status studies have no noubt been done with the in-crowd, but surely that irrational fear could be applied more liberally to include less common yet wholly accurate micro scenarios?