Why Are You Looking at Me?

[ehowton]

We're a curious people. Its in our nature. Some like to peoplewatch; that is, observe without contact in an attempt to muse upon their target's agenda for entertainment purposes.

I'm not one of those people.

When I was young I noticed that most people in other cars looked directly at you while passing or being passed. Idle curiosity I assumed. Invariably the spied-upon driver would look back. No nods were ever passed, or waves exchanged like motorcyclists do when confronted with each other on a reverse approach. Just a glance. But I'm a fairly private person. So I refrain from doing that when driving. In fact, I haven't looked at another driver in a very long time. I'm usually too busy watching the road and my mirrors anyway.

One of my pet peeves surrounds what I consider an awkward response when entering the men's room. No matter which level of activity the other occupants are engaged in at the time, many will take the time to turn and see who's coming in - something else I never do. Furthermore when looked at in this surrounding, I don't acknowledge the seeker. I have zero interest in ascertaining attendance, and often wonder why others do.

Despite these shortcomings, I do greatly enjoy eye-contact. I've been told my gaze conveys trustworthiness. But I reserve those times for my mother, my lovers or my children. Those I'm intimate with. Close friends and co-workers. For awhile I tried making sincere overtures to waitstaff - I'd read somewhere that is was disrespectful not to do so. But I found I couldn't keep it up. As an introvert, it took far too much energy. Besides, I tip well - and I'm sure between eye-contact and cash, waitstaff would rather have the cash.

Some countries I've been to find it disrespectful to look another person in the eye. I flourished in those cultures.

But there are those I run across those who are adverse to my hesitance. A co-worker mentioned that she wanted to take me out to lunch for my birthday. I thanked her - it was very sweet, and we often enjoy lunch together on any given day, then explained that I was never one to celebrate birthdays, and did in fact prefer them to be non-events. She said she understood, but enjoyed making a big deal about milestone birthdays. I explained that I was especially adamant about those remaining ignored.

If I am capable of understanding that some people feel strongly about their perspective, why do I have such a hard time convincing others I feel just as strongly about mine?

Comments

[melancthe.livejournal.com]

For awhile I tried making sincere overtures to waitstaff - I'd read somewhere that is was disrespectful not to do so.

When I was a struggling university student many years ago, I did a few waitressing jobs. I wasn't any good at it, but I was personable and I got decent tips. The people I disliked the most weren't the ones who were rude to me, it was the ones who'd feel the need to chat to me, presumably out of politeness. They'd ask me questions about my life, about what I was studying, about everything. In the meantime, I'd be desperate to just leave their table. It was acutely embarrassing and irritating for me. My favourite customers were the ones who'd order politely and with a smile but who wouldn't waste anyone's time with pointless chit-chat.

Now, when I'm in a restaurant, I try to do the same thing: be friendly but to-the-point. And tip VERY well.

I like making eye contact with people, but that's because it makes them remember me rather than because of any intrinsic desire to do so.

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

Cabbies and barbers are my top two incessant chatter violators. Subconsciously it may be the reason I go from buzz cut to ponytail & back again.

[melancthe.livejournal.com]

When I cut my hair from very long to a short bob, I had almost all the staff of my usual salon gathered around me because they were all, "OMG, are you seriously going to cut it??". It was one of the most acutely embarrassing experiences of recent years.

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

I had an eerily similar experience when I donated mine to Locks of Love (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locks_of_love). I did get a chuckle when I found that unbeknownst to them they were bragging about it to my ex-girlfriend who had arrived for her hair appointment later that week.

I can imagine her just rolling her eyes.

[irulan-amy.livejournal.com]

And this is one big reason why Tim trims my split ends. I can't stand the meaningless salon chatter. Just cut my hair - I don't care about your story, you don't care about mine, why do we need talk?!

[thesweetestnote.livejournal.com]

Being a waiter/waitress now, I find that a little conversation helps the tip. I hate doing it. I hate talking to strangers for money. I almost feel like a whore. "ooooh baby..yea. right there" all the time chewing gum and with non-expression. Some people will actually complain because their server didn't bother to talk with them or have eye contact.

[melancthe.livejournal.com]

When I make eye contact with people, they think I'm hitting on them!

[thesweetestnote.livejournal.com]

Because you're a babe. And they feel that any sort of connection with you could spark a chance. ;) I used to be like that. In my teen years when my boy-urges were at their strongest - a glance from a hot girl meant she wanted to get it on. Of course you learn this is horseshit. Sad to know many men keep this into adulthood.

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

Your first sentence alone was entirely adequate. Well summed.

[catttitude.livejournal.com]

I also hate pointless chit-chat. People seem to always want to be chatty and try as I might they wont stop.

[melancthe.livejournal.com]

Exactly! I mean, yeah, if you're hot like Speed Racer, you're welcome to shag me over the table and be friendly that way, but otherwise, I just want a glass of the house red and some steak/pizza/whatever. Shove the chit-chat!

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

Uh! Shoot it all over me! ~ Sex or Weightlifting, Adam Sandler

[thesweetestnote.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on this one. I never look at anyone driving. And when I get a stare or glance I get all WTF!? I keep to myself when out alone. My eyes fixed at the floor or any non-human object (the fish tanks at Wal-Mart are a favorite of mine). The restroom is different for me. I look out of defense. I guess I just feel really vulnerable while my pants are unbuttoned or down. It's an intimate act and there's other fuckers in there sharing the experience. It freaks me out sometimes. So I guess subconsciously I size up potential danger. I think I've seem too many prison shows/movies.

Eye contact is most important to me with loved ones and friends. It tells you everything that person is going through. The eyes are truly the windows to the soul. A main factor in my recent separation was that I was no longer getting eye contact. As if she was hiding something.

Yep. Eye contact and body language. A great form of communication. Here in my city looking at the wrong person can actually start a fight. Fuckin' machismo and gang fuckers. Another reason I keep my hands, feet and eyes to myself.

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

The eyes are truly the windows to the soul.

Trust can be gained, and trust can be lost in just a glance.

[celtmanx.livejournal.com]

[melancthe.livejournal.com]

... that reminds me of my cat Smeagy. He gives me that look every day!

[celtmanx.livejournal.com]

Maybe he's reading your journal when you're not looking!!!

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

That is entirely possible.

[celtmanx.livejournal.com]

My wife has company staying over with a dog and last night Q stood his group with a dog 4 times his size and told it to feck off and the dog ran away whining. Q didn't even raise a paw.

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

Q used his gigantic brain.

[hiro-antagonist.livejournal.com]

looking and gaze are often dominance techniques among most higher mammals, so direct gazes when two people aren't infatuated with each other tend to be avoided.

As civilization and the rules of behavior it enforces expands, the gaze is less emphasized (newer, better ways of dominant behavior[pay grade lol]), even though biologically speaking, the behavior probably hasn't lost any of its force. Thus the confusion, I'd imagine.

Awkwardness is also a good mechanism for avoiding false-positives in human behavior. If someone mis-interpreted any gaze directed their way as the other person intending to kill them, or steal their food or whatnot, that misinterpretation would lead to a lot of pointless slaughter. So people get awkward and try and figure out the other person's intent before deciding in any absolute way. Probably a good behavior when you think about it.

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

Quite. Doesn't explain the whole men's room thing though. I often feel as if I'm being sized up, so to speak. I expect at any time chest-beating to occur.

[hiro-antagonist.livejournal.com]

I'm sure we're only a few thousand years past chest beating stage, so the instinct has to still be pretty strong lol.

The brain sits atop some seriously ancient hardware, and I think a lot of people forget that it still heavily influences us.

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

Makes perfect sense. I'm glad most people I interact with are out of that evolutionary stage.

[hiro-antagonist.livejournal.com]

there are those who are disturbingly close to their evolutionary roots lol

[catttitude.livejournal.com]

But I reserve those times for my mother, my lovers or my children.

Glad to hear about your lovers, may I join in. ;)

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

You put the "GRRRR!" in lover, baby. Yeah!

[celtmanx.livejournal.com]

You two need to get a room!!!

[dawaioser.livejournal.com]

Again, Sir...we agree. I'm not one for eye contact or silly chatter.

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

All this has happened before, and will happen again.

[quicksilvermad.livejournal.com]

I'm a people watcher. But it's an artistic thing. I sit down on a park bench in DC and watch the crowds of tourists mill past me... Sometimes I'll sketch someone who catches my eyes, others I'll write little made up stories about these strangers amongst the blank pages of my sketchbook. I haven't done this since graduation—the last time I really just sat and "people watched" was my junior year when I still took the Metro to and from school. There are some really interesting characters on Metro trains...

I used to be a deeply introverted person. In fact, a few weekends ago, my mother and I drove out to the Dulles Town Center (really it's a huge mall) to check out AiW's Northern VA "campus" (a building shared with a pediatric clinic connected to the Sears). We ended up walking the length of the mall and found one of those specialty jewelry stores that has unique pieces like puzzle rings. Long story short, I actually ended up in a long conversation with one of the managers about college and other completely random stuff to the point where we both actually sat down across from each other with some lovely opal rings on display between us.

As we left the shop (one unplanned buy of a puzzle ring extra), my mother actually grabbed me around the shoulders and said:
"I remember when you wouldn't even ask someone for help in a clothing store and you actually sat down and talked with her."

I could say it was all because of the forced "stranger conversation starting" I had to do when I was in college or the fact that I've stood up in front of upwards of fifty people to describe my own artwork on more than one occasion and I was "forced" to interact, but that's only half of the equation. The other half was overcoming social anxiety through therapy and medication.

I understand your perspective completely because I used to be exactly like that. But as of this moment, I'm one of those people who will strike up a conversation about movies or whatever with someone waiting in line at the theater/Best Buy/restaurant/bar.

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

And as hard as this may be to believe, I used to be just like you. I found it exhausting.

[quicksilvermad.livejournal.com]

Interesting...

I suppose it's because I can glean so much information from people by looking them in the eyes and I never realized it until giving a speech and looking directly at these strange people with my glasses on for once.

I used to do that in high school when I was forced to get up in front of the classroom. I would leave my glasses on my desk and I literally could not see anything past my outstretched hands. So it looked like I made eye contact, but I never did.

My first job really helped to change me as well. I worked at a Suncoast (before they went all bankrupt and shit) and because I am a complete movie nerd and I was a holiday hire, I would actually force myself to question the helpless customers about who they were buying for and what this mystery person usually liked watching. I helped a lot of people find movies and peddled widescreen versions over the full frame with detailed explanation of just what was WRONG about the pan-and-scan of full frame. It was fulfilling. And I realized that I actually do like talking to people. A lot. And my brain is so full of nonsense facts that the proverbial "cup" runneth over.

It doesn't hurt that some people like looking at me—in fact, that really helped on Portfolio Day. Smile bright, make eye contact with the passing employer searching for new talent, and say "good afternoon!" cheerfully even though my back is killing me and I need a nap... I suppose I could be considered like one of those carnivorous plants or something. I draw you in with my pretty blue eyes and then you just can't get me to shut the hell up.

Seriously. I mean, look at how long this response is! You wrote two sentences and that spurred me on for all this! I just can't shut up anymore!

People must find that annoying about me...

[(Anonymous)]

Azeem: Salaam, little one.
Small Girl: Did God paint you?
Azeem: Did God paint me?
[laughs]
Azeem: For certain.
Small Girl: Why?
Azeem: Because Allah loves wondrous varieties.

[qualmsdotcom.livejournal.com]

Thanks for linking me here. While I am definitely a people watcher, which is exactly why I love trains, I live in an environment where staring at people can get you in big trouble. So any time I get the chance, I love it. Though I do share your point of view on birthdays. My 18th birthday was very difficult to ignore with everyone reminding me.

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping my 40th goes relatively unnoticed myself. Its like being 18...with 22 years experience!