My Neighbor's Ass

[ehowton]

My neighbor's ass is always causing me frustration. Its just sometimes *right there* there, waiting to be noticed - and notice I do! Its disconcerting and a couple of times has caused me to nearly lose control of my vehicle. I mean, I know its there, close by, but I'm rarely expecting it where it causes me trouble. I'd be embarrassed about it if I thought it'd do any good, but I know it won't. Most of the time it just makes me angry; an unexpected delay. My neighbor's ass is not bad looking - I've even mentioned this to my wife, just so she's prepared when it happens, but I don't think there's anything to be done about it.

You see, I live in a nice subdivision, and all these subdivisions reside in town. A rural town. And there is one house off the half-mile county road from the highway to our subdivision, and every so often, his donkey gets out in the road. The road is beautiful and twisty, and every once in a while I have to come to a complete stop because of that donkey blocking traffic. I don't know how it gets out, and I've seen the cops there on several occasions helping secure it in its pen, but every so often it just surprises me out on the road.

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I found the following email in my inbox Thursday morning:

stay off the city forum with your insults-with respect I'm imforming you. it's your choice.

This from the same poster who, before we banned her, threatened, "you can't intimate me, with your actions. Laugh Now-tell your friends at the city office- No mess with Jesus Christ." Charming. Anyway, I mulled it over a little bit, and finally drafted my reply:

Ma'am,

You've listed no repercussions for my non-compliance, which essentially turns your demand into a request. That being said, I'm disinclined to acquiesce. Furthermore you've suggested that I have a choice, yet haven't outlined an alternative course of action. This is problematic for two reasons. First, though you use the word, 'respect' there isn't anything respectful about your tone or request. Secondly, the word, 'inform' denotes the impartation of knowledge of a fact or circumstance, neither of which you've provided here. Due to these inconsistencies, I can't even begin to imagine what you were attempting to communicate, but it was altogether ineffective. However, because I'm not in the business of allowing random people to dictate my actions, I ask that you refrain from doing so in the future.

Thank you so much for your understanding,

Eric

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I've been toying with the idea of getting a PlayStation3. My son overheard my wife and I discussing the pros and cons of such a multi-faceted device and very excitedly offered me $75. All of his savings.

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And finally, I discovered a fatal flaw in my perfect plan: Shifting my narrowly-spaced small-footed Korean clutch in those freakishly formidable Frankenstein boots I bought, is akin to a brachydactylic with anaphia attempting to dexterously digitize a supermodel to completion.

It just ain't gonna happen.

Comments

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

Means "no".

Two words: "HYS" "TERICAL!" Most of the time people don't know what they're walking into with me. The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded!

[dentin.livejournal.com]

I not feared of you I GOT WEPON!

Hmm, these are not the droids I'm looking for...

[ehowton.livejournal.com]

Auspicious! The email above came from user, "No Weapon" as in Isaiah 54:17 - No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn.