Permission

The experiment was to try and see if one could create an emotional connection by practicing unbound intimacy. I learned that no, it absolutely also requires love in order to be successful - and of the four “pillars” affected without that critical ingredient: reciprocity - which can not be fully given nor received without. I stumbled upon this conundrum first, followed by Jennifer. It seemed an impasse was imminent. Nonetheless, I continued to try. And while it seemed at times insurmountable, insurmountability didn’t appear to be the correct answer (at least not without trying every single permutation I could dream up, as is my standard operating procedure.) As these things sometimes happen, an altogether different obstacle tried to insert itself. One I wasn’t quite prepared for: feelings.

Certainly not from the origination point from where I was seeking, which is probably why I was blindsided. That is to say, would have been blindsided had I not previously lived through the experiences I have, which, to use the parlance of our times, slowed my roll. The question I kept asking myself was, "Do I trust it?" Firstly because I wasn't expecting it at this point, and secondly because it was more familiar of old patterns (which frankly frightens me given my track record).

Jennifer choosing to date a broke, married, middle-aged man who resides in a meth house notwithstanding, I suddenly felt compelled to ask a girl with whom I was in love if she truly wanted me to fall in love with someone else. It was hard enough hearing she wanted me to date other people, but falling in love with them - while a natural progression according to the relationship escalator - is an altogether different ask. So why, despite all the evidence literally screaming otherwise, do I continue to subjugate myself to a non-existent relationship? (Hope, surely; sadly still). Simultaneously, I’m also in this place where I don’t know things - things I have previously never questioned. Jennifer, recognizing this, asked me something I don’t think I’ve ever been asked before: “Other than Cass and your kids, do you love anyone?”

I didn’t have an immediate answer, and that hesitation caused a concerned expression to rest upon my countenance. I’m still thinking about it to this day; contrasting and comparing the known with the unknown and questioning my past. Heavy stuff. How am I supposed to move forward being unable to contend with this most basic of human emotions, and how are my most recent experiences coloring my perception? Will I forever be the person I am now? Have I always been? Last night she asked me the same question Cass has previously asked me, "What is the difference between loving someone, and being in love?"

I may not get into that here, now, but I will mention the ensuing conversation afforded me the opportunity to finalize and express my thoughts on the importance I place on forming an emotional connection. As a demisexual, on the surface, I require that emotional connection in order to be aroused. Below the surface - and based on my years being married - that emotional connection is what feeds the loop in [making the choice to] choose my person each and every day. Without which I am adrift; vulnerable to being swayed via external influences. Because I know myself as well as I do, I refuse to enter into a committed relationship with someone without that emotional connection. I would not be true to myself without it. It is the thing which keeps me engaged, purposeful, motivated, and integrated. With that emotional connection being lovingly maintained bidirectionally, I can never be swayed.

2025 - FIFTH SESSION

Jennifer was downright giddy for me to tell Tess that I felt compelled to ask Cass for permission to fall in love with Jennifer prior to allowing myself, and Tess' response did not disappoint: "What the fuck?" The look on her face as she said this reinforced her disbelief. Were I capable, I would have been ashamed. Instead, when she asked, "Why??" I parroted the words in my last blog:

Hope, surely; sadly still

"And what if she doesn't give you permission??"

While I know it will never happen, I nonetheless tiredly repeated that I would require proof through actions, attitude, and behavior at this point in order to trust it. As Tess shook her head in disbelief at me, she and Jennifer picked up and talked amongst themselves for the remainder of the hour.

There is a swath of readers of my blog who've all come to the same conclusion, that my emotions are being toyed with for the purpose of fulfilling adoring attention - despite my protestations that isn't the case; Cass and I understood this from the start and agreed to terms (so to speak). If that's truly the case (and I simply don't see it), then I am Tristan in Stardust entirely smitten with Cass' Victoria. At what point do I become conscious that I am treating Jennifer exactly as Cass is treating me, simultaneously becoming Victoria as well? Consensus seems to be whether consciously or not, Cass is aware of this (my wife would no doubt feel smug at this point), but what does that say about me If I unwittingly following the same pattern once I become aware of it? More complicated still, how would one go about preventing such behavior that didn't conflict with trusting oneself to always be doing the right things for the right reasons?

Quick question - why isn't all of this just easier?